Mother issues

[shas19]

Ive already mentioned on here how, to put it lightly, how shit my mum is. We've had nc since end of last year due to her actions and how she treated my daughter and partner, and making us homeless.
Ive recently been in contact with an old friend and she's sent me some screenshots of her conversations with my mum. My mum has told her that my partner is controlling, abusive (he is not) and that I'm blinkered by him? She's also said 'my main concern is my grandchildren, mainly my grandson'. She shows no interest in my daughter maybe because she is my partners child and my son is not. She's said in one message she wanted to kill me at one point?? But expects to be in my kids lives, mainly ds obviously! Now this is one among the many times she's lied and verbally abused me to my friends and also on social media (cringe she is nearly 50) and I'm absolutely sick of it. I've lost a close relationship with my family because of this, especially my nan, her mother. It's like she has them under the thumb! I feel really sorry for my nan especially as she just doesn't see my mum for who she is! I sent my mum a message yesterday telling her if she carries on slandering mine or my partners name I will take it further. Would Ibu to take it further? How would I even start? She really impacts on my mental health and I don't want it anymore!

Your friend knows you've gone NC with your mum - so why is she telling/showing you communication from your mum?
Why is she accepting communication from your mum?

Your friend needs to cut contact with your mum, and NOT pass on ANY information from her to you.

@SavingSpaces2019 my friends not the one in the wrong though? Understand what you're saying. I hadn't been in contact with her for about a year and my mum contacted her out of the blue.

Family issues are never easy, OP. All I can advise is what I have done with my own dm. She also kicked out my family and I (we moved abroad to be closer to her as she has a terminal illness). She also blames my dh (who is the most loving person).

I think for me the penny dropped when I realised that her horrid behaviour isn’t only affecting me, but my dh & dc. In the past I’d just accept it & move on..now I see how upset she makes my family and that is unacceptable. I decided to go nc and the emotional roller coaster has stopped and it feels good. I am struggling, however, as she’s now in hospital. She’s made no attempt to contact me at all, which is her choice.

Like you, she has turned my family (sisters) against me. Please look into narcissistic personality disorder as it sounds like something your dm has. Mine does, it’s shockingly common and unfortunately sufferers never seek treatment as they think everyone else has the problem!

Good luck, OP, you are not alone

Yeah, your friend's being a flying monkey here, maybe inadvertently.

You can't control what she says about you, so don't give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you. The thing about a controlling partner is an excellent lie because it's a really upsetting insult and it makes people have sympathy for her (not for you though, she'll make out you've gone mental and keep attacking her because you don't want to face the real truth or whatever). It also helps her recruit other people into helping her make contact with your DS because they will think he's in the middle of this abusive family situation.

I don't have any answers really - I'm vlc with my extended family because of precisely this sort of thing (don't know exactly what my mother has said but it's something similar). There are tons of nice people out there who have normal families, my advice is focus on making some normal nice friends like that and don't worry about keeping in contact with family. This is how we break the cycle of abuse. People will criticise us for it and misunderstand but at the end of the day you'll be clear of all that shite, and your boy too.

@toomuchtooold this hit the nail in the head. The first thing that everyone says after she's spoken to them is 'said he's controlling'. Whenever she's around there's problems! That's why I cut all contact because without her I'm so much and so is my family! No tension or anything!

@toomuchtooold also said many of times it crazy or insane!

@Utterlyexhausted yep without her there's no tension and I always feel fine! As soon as she starts up again my anxiety goes through the roof and makes me so angry!

@HugoSpritz I don't see the correlation of my post and how old people on here are?
Cringe that a woman of that age is still using Facebook as an outlet to write abusive messages for the whole world to see.

I read it like that too - I’m
Nearly 50 and use social media (and have a 4 year old ) 😂 glad you clarified

Haha no course not! She just uses it the way a 15 year old would. Bloody embarrassing!!

I just had another thought about when they spread lies about us being in a controlling relationship: is it that they just can't see us as people with our own will? So if they're not able to control us any more, they assume that someone else must be pulling the strings?

I am NC with my parents. I would be so hurt if my beat friend who knows all about what's gone on was having a civeeatation with her about all this.

Not really sure what you mean by 'take it further' really. She is obviously horrible.

But I think your friend was wrong to get involved and wrong to then pass it all on to you. I would be wary of that friend if I was you too.

@Ilikethisone
I mean maybe gettjng some advice from the police. It's constant!
My friend didn't get involved, my mum contacted her. I asked my friend for all the messages she didn't just send them over.

@toomuchtooold

Oh defiantly!! Ever since I had my ds 4 years ago I think she felt almost entitled as his dad wasn't around. Then as soon as I met my partner she realised she'd lost control and obviously didn't like it!

I'd be printing a copy of all the texts and lodging them with the police to protect yourself. If she gets social services involved saying she is concerned about the safety of the children as your partner is aggressive then I'd want to have got in there first and be able to go back and say "oh her again, I've reported her to the police for her behaviour and she trying to get back at me and here is the text evidence".

Another one from a dysfunctional family. At one stage I had enough as it was making me ill. I minimized contact and kept things on my terms
Although I would say as time moved on and circumstances changed I have gradually made contact and things have improved. I am glad in my case although things are not perfect .
Re your mum's age it has nothing to do with the way she behaves on social media. There are ones 20 years older than her who do the same.
I was recently ghosted by an older friend ( almost 70 and a social media addict)
You must do what is best for you and your kids and partner.

I don't think YBU at all to take it further. If it's having an impact on your bf your relationships with other people then it's gone too far.
As for your friend telling you, I don't get how people think your friend is in the wrong. I would except my friend to tell me if something like this happened until a point I asked her not to anymore (if I asked her not to), I think that's someone being a good friend, letting you know what's going on. If she isn't posting on social media and just showing you I think it's good.