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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let DS go to his grandparents he rarely sees?

21 replies

Mamabear144 · 01/09/2019 15:59

Ds grandparents rarely see ds, we don't get along and I don't feel comfortable with them in my house. They looked to take him without me there and he doesn't know them. AIBU to say no? They had seen him when DS was with his dad 2 days before. Parenting alone can be hard so I don't know if I was just stressed but don't want ds getting upset.

OP posts:

Orchidflower1 · 01/09/2019 16:01

How old is your ds? That has a big bearing on the answer.

CrazyOldBagLady · 01/09/2019 16:02

I suppose it depends on his age. Have you any reason to not facilitate a relationship between him and them? Not enough detail in your post to comment really.

elvis86 · 01/09/2019 16:05

If they're his dad's parents, then it's not down to you to facilitate contact?

You don't need to have anything to do with them. Contact with paternal GPs should be sorted by dad, on his time.

pikapikachu · 01/09/2019 16:07

How old is he? You can't really stop at teen but if he's at primary or younger then you're not unreasonable to say that he should see his paternal grandparents on Dad's time.

Original poster

Mamabear144 · 01/09/2019 16:08

Ds is 18mo and is in my care majority of the time, they are on his dads side. I personally don't trust them as they have known to lie about a lot and undermine me.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 01/09/2019 16:10

Surely that's for them to arrange with his dad.

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 16:11

Depends on his age. He needs to be old enough to have his own opinion on whether he wants to go or not.

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 16:12

Definitely not at 18 months. My 2yo would be terrified being taken off by strangers

user1493413286 · 01/09/2019 16:13

I would say no at 18 months; let them spend time with him when he’s at his dads until he’s comfortable with them then maybe in the future if you feel comfortable then let him

Catbrat · 01/09/2019 16:16

You don't have to let anyone look after your child you don't want to, especially when he is still so young. Regardless of problems or not, your child your rules.

NavyBlueHue · 01/09/2019 16:18

No way at 18mo.

SouthChinaSea234 · 01/09/2019 16:25

Does his father have parental responsibility? Are the residential arrangements determined by a court decision or have you agreed these directly with the child’s father?

If the father shares parental responsibility he has the right to decide where his child goes on ‘his’ times. You may not like his parents but unless you have a specific reason to believe they are a safeguarding risk, you cannot decide that your DS should not spend time with them - with his father or without him.

Unless the GPs represent a safeguarding risk, it is in your DS best interests to develop a relationship with them. He will adapt - just as children adapt to babysitters and other new carers.

As he gets older you can address the issue of GPs undermining you directly with your DS. In the interim try to do your best to make the arrangements work. Your child is the most important person in all this.

Original poster

Mamabear144 · 01/09/2019 16:38

We have an agreement signed by both of us and solicitors, DS resides with me which was signed off by a judge. I have full custody and his dad has the responsibility of paying maintenance (never a problem in his defence) and to take him for a few hours one day at the weekend. I don't feel comfortable with gp showing up at my house as they barge their way in when I'm getting ready to go out or bring strangers into my home, I would rather my ds make up his own mind about them and not see tension between us

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 01/09/2019 16:47

Well if DS dad is there that would solve the issue wouldn't it? Maybe suggest that. You have to be careful when projecting. I don't get on with my mum at all but she's a good Grandma to my DCs in many ways. Still is, now that they're grown up. I don't get involved. I do know she's made some snide remarks but I will always be my DCs mum & at their age now they know how to shut her up so she's stopped. You could keep your DS away then when he grows up he seeks out his grandparents. You won't be able to stop him. I've known that to happen more than once in life. See if visits can happen when he's with his dad then stay out of it.

Orchidflower1 · 01/09/2019 16:49

In that case no- the only time ds should his paternal gp is when it’s his dads time to have him. Then dad can facilitate seeing them.

Tbh unless there are safeguarding issues with the gp you can’t stop your ex from allowing his parents unsupervised access.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/09/2019 16:49

The barging in would well and truly piss me off, they would not be welcome in my house at all. Unless their attitude changes leave contact to in your X's time.

TonTonMacoute · 01/09/2019 16:52

At that age, no way.

When he is older, is more familiar and is able to express his own wishes, maybe.

ThanosSavedMe · 01/09/2019 16:53

They can see your ds when he is with his father, just tell them it doesn’t work for you

Northie · 01/09/2019 16:59

You don't have to palm you ur child off to strangers. Relatives or not.

Minai · 01/09/2019 17:24

No I wouldn’t. My 2.3 year old rarely sees his grandparents due to them living far away. I would not be comfortable with him going to them alone. I would have no concerns about their ability to look after him but I don’t think he would be happy alone with them and if he got hurt or woke up scared he wouldn’t be able to be comforted by them

Piffle11 · 01/09/2019 17:38

He is far too young for them to have him! They shouldn’t be barging into your home – they should see him when he is with his DF. Put your foot down and don’t let them in your house.

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