To have a bit more time?

[saveallyourkisses]

I'm posting with genuine interest as to whether others think I'm being a bit silly, and how other people's households are, especially with young children. I also apologise in advance because this is long! It's also got quite a bit of background because I don't want to drip feed.

Myself and DH have 3 DC in our household, I have one DS who is from a previous relationship who is 8, and we have a DD 3years and a DS 3mnths. My eldest DS adores DH and and DH very much treats him like one of his own. He's a great dad who will play with them when he gets home from work and is always being fun with them and in that way, I feel very lucky. He's also very good about doing his share of housework/cooking etc.

He has an outdoor hobby that he will often go out to in the evenings once DD is in bed. Sometimes it'll be when eldest DS is still up as he has a later bedtime, but DS is happy enough watching his own program and having chill out time once his younger siblings are in bed to that's not an issue. I will usually be in bed with youngest DS feeding him to get him down in his crib as this has been the way I've done it since he was born, and I'll then quietly watch tv in our room with baby sleeping and make sure eldest DS is settled for bed.

DH will then usually get back just before it's dark, come and say hello and have a brief chat with me for around ten minutes, then he'll go back downstairs to watch his programs and relax. He'll usually come to bed at around 11ish, when I'm most often asleep. I still get up in the night to feed youngest DS as I'm bfding and getting up early with the older kids so I get very tired.

He works F/T in a very stressful job and has previously said that it helps his stress levels to get out for a bit in the evenings. He also does this on weekends. I often take the three kids swimming on one day a weekend with my mum as she has a membership at a nice country club and you can have lunch there. My kids love it and DH is always invited, has previously been and enjoyed it but will very, very rarely come. This in itself isn't a huge issue as he then gets chance to relax for the day child-free and I can understand the appeal of that.

So to get to my rambling point! I have previously spoken to DH about us getting very little time together, and I also feel a bit like our division of childcare is a bit unfair (not hugely and I haven't discussed this part with him.) We'll have some family time on one to both days of the weekend but it's usually the regular foodshopping etc and then once we're home he's off pottering doing his own thing and I'm looking after baby whilst the kids play. He'll also quite regularly go and do his outdoor hobby for an afternoon on a weekend too.

I think I just feel a bit down that he doesn't really show any interest in spending time with me and I feel run off my feet with three kids. We like quite different tv programs but I've said I'll happily watch what he is on a few days of the week so we can sit and chat and spend time together, but he says he doesn't like watching tv upstairs and I need to be next to DS's crib as I can sometimes not get him settled until quite late into the evening and can then just pop him straight in. He doesn't really want to do family activities that would suit all three age ranges like swimming or going for a walk and despite me trying to encourage this it's usually just me who'll end up going, and I'll arrange to meet a friend or my mum if I can. I've started trying to give youngest DS a formula feed in the evening before bed to lengthen his night feed out and hoped DH would do this feed so I can have some relax time or shower or just eat a meal without rushing (!) but he won't do this as it would disrupt the time he could go out to his hobby. I get that he works and needs some free time, which I think I try to facilitate as much as I can, but I don't get any time myself and don't feel he tries to spend quality time with me/us when we have the chance to.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm a bit lonely and miss adult interaction a bit tbh.

I think he sounds selfish and needs to sort his priorities out.

Thank you for readingit's nice to hear some else's perspective

He's taking the piss out of you. It doesn't sound like a partnership at all, either with the support (or lack thereof) with parenting and with actually being together. An evening a week or two max is plenty of time for his hobby. He's a partner and a father and he needs to remember that

Again I appreciate the reply. It does feel a bit like we're quite separate a lot of the time and it's tricky because although I appreciate youngest DS is very little and I'm still bfding which takes up a lot of time, it would be nice to feel he wanted to spend more time with me
It's also good to know whether I'm just being a bit whiny though!

However from a slightly different perspective, because you are out all day Saturday it only leaves Sunday to do something together as a family which feels a bit pressured . Plus you still have to cram in all the weekly jobs.

Could your mum take the kids occasionally so you do something as a couple ? Or have you asked him to suggest somewhere ?

Sounds like you are both exhausted

He’s taking the piss and needs to step up, no wonder you feel lonely

Serious chat needed

@LaMainDeFatima thanks for this perspective as well. I can see what you mean with just the one day a weekend, and us both being exhausted. My mum and in-laws are both great in spending time with the kids, however because they all still work, weekends are also their free time (my mum is single so I sort of feel it's important to spend time with her too so she isn't lonely, but that being said it's nice to have her help with the kids and my DC do love it when we do go out with her.)
It's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy really, I spend probably two Saturdays a month going swimming with my mum and kids because I want some help and adult company, and DH seems to have become a little reliant on that and doesn't see how much work it is trying to care for the three on my own as he hasn't been able to yet due to bfding.
It's a good suggestion to try and have some time child-free together though and I'm hoping once I've got youngest DS weaned from bfding we may be able to as my MIL has offered to take the three of them out once he's established on solids and only needs the morning and evening feed.

@ShirleyPhallus yes it's looking like that's the best approach. I guess I wanted to see if I was being overly sensitive before I broached the subject with him again.
It seems silly, but it's upsetting me that I'm having to 'ask' him to spend more time with us, and more one-on-one time with me and feels rather embarrassing that this is the case. We're both early thirties and whilst I appreciate we currently have a young baby, I feel like it's important to still make time for each other (and for him to understand that even just being 'at home' doesn't count as quality time unless you're actually engaging with me )
He's good at spending time with the two older kids when he's home with them. He plays with the baby but it's never for long. It's having a bit of an effect on my self-worth if I'm honest. He wasn't really like this when we had DD (our first together) but we did live in a house with only one tv and living room area then and it was right next door to the bedroom so I could feed DD, put her down to sleep and still be in the same 'social space'

YANBU.

He can't expect to have kids and a new baby and for this to have zero impact on his time for hobbies.

He's particularly unreasonable to have refused a perfectly reasonable suggestion from you that he gives the baby his last feed because "it would interfere with his hobby". What did you say in response?!

What on earth is the hobby that keeps him occupied every single evening?! Sounds more like an obsession.

And he should take the kids out sometimes to let you have a child-free day (or at least couple of hours). Bully for him that his hobby "helps his stress levels" - when does he think you get the opportunity to help yours?

@elvis86 written down what you've said all seems so logical. It's difficult to maintain a decent overview of your home situation sometimes, especially when you're still in the new-baby fog, so thank you. No I don't get any time to de-stress, and I've sort of blamed myself for that because I've 'chosen' to bfeed (I stopped earlier with my previous two DC but I've found myself adjusting to it better this time round and it's much more convenient rather than making and washing bottles with two more children to care for!) however my youngest DS doesn't take a bottle well and I couldn't switch over now even if I wanted to (which I don't really tbh)
However, DS's feeds are getting a little more regular so I could easily hand him over and I get frustrated that I can't even really get a break for a shower/bath etc without asking, and if I do it's always 'I just have to go and do this first' or 'how long will you be because I need to do that'
I've been saying to myself that because he will usually cook dinner, and does help with keeping up with housework (we're both neat freaks so it's in both of our interests) that I should kind of accept the other issues

Being conniving..... could you temporarily ‘break’ the downstairs TV? Nothing permanent. But he might decide watching TV upstairs is fine....

@lifecouldbeadream that's made me chuckle it's a good idea but unfortunately he's pretty good at fixing that sort of thing and I'm quite technologically inept so he'd probably work out how to fix it before I'd even broken it
I think we need to have a chat, and I'm grateful for all your responses as it's confirmed for me that he is being a little unfair and needs a bit of reminding

Good Luck OP..... or hide the remote.

Those pesky kids! Ours ended up inside the sofa after we’d left Oldest DC home alone ( teenager). It was missing for 6months + by the time we found it!

I think this is just how it is when you have three young children surely?!

Iv been there. Could you go downstairs and watch tv with him once baby is settled then head to bed. What is his hobby? Does he go for a cycle or run? Could u ask him to do it in morning or combo of mornings and evenings? Could he take your eldest with him?

It's hard when your bf. I used to do the same as you settle middle one in bed, pop older one into bed with ipad to watch tv then feed the baby. Quite often I would doze off once put baby down. Even if I didnt u had to be in bed for 9 due to night feeds. We did introduce a bottle at 10/11 which dh gave so let me doze on. He did it as a dream feed so basically didnt lift him and just fed him in the cot - that helped hugely though took a few different bottles to find right one.

OP ask yourself how much his life has changed since having DC? Really, on a day to day basis, what impact do they really have on his time?

And then compare it with the changes and sacrifices you have endured.

If the answer is that his life has changed very little and yours a huge amount, then this imbalance needs to be rectified. Sooner rather than later as I suspect it is already a default pattern that the DC are your responsibility. He needs reminding that he can no longer act like a carefree single bloke.

@formerbabe this is what I wondered, and a large part of the reason I wrote this post.

@Waveysnail thanks, that's really useful to know. I like the idea around the dreamfeed and may get him to try this as it would often be the time he's coming up for bed anyways.
I do think I could try and go downstairs on some evenings but it does depend on what time DS goes to sleep and that can be slightly changeable. I guess I may have to wait for things to even out a bit more and then look into getting our evenings back, but (and I'm aware I may sound a bit immature here) I'm sort of angry that he hasn't been making any effort to spend time with me during this quite difficult time of looking after a newborn and feel like I'm not sure I want to make the effort once things become easier. I know that seems ridiculous, but it's hanged my opinion on how he feels hiding by the lack of effort on his part

That should of said changed, not hanged and judging, not hiding. Autocorrect fail

@BendyLikeBeckham that's a really good way to look at it, and with that in mind, I guess my life has changed a huge amount and his not so much. I understand with things like work, my life will have changed so much more because I'm the one taking maternity leave, but the crucial difference to me is that he has retained his freedom and I haven't. I don't have an issue with losing that carefree life as I expected it as part of becoming a parent, but looking at it from that perspective, I don't think he has.
Obviously I came in to the relationship already a parent and very much accustomed to the sacrifices that involves. He has always been excellent with my oldest DS (I wouldn't have considered a relationship with someone who wasn't) but he was understandably still able to retain his non-parent lifestyle without the full responsibility to an extent before we had DD. I'm just not sure he ever fully made the adjustment once she was born as my role of being 'the main responsible carer' was already set so this is where it may have stemmed from perhaps? Maybe I'm just overthinking

There’s an extent to which ‘this is how it is’ but this isn’t that.

It’s normal to get bogged down the drudgery, not spend much quality time together, etc but one has to accept hobbies can’t carry on in the same way as before.

My DH and I had an all-consuming hobby (two, actually), neither of which are compatible with small kids.

Our priority is our family.

We both go out separately with friends, watch TV together, do family things etc.

My DH’s life has changed as much as mine. That’s how it should be.

OP you are not overthinking. You have only just started opening your eyes by the sound of it. Keep opening them wider, seeing the reality if your situation, family life and your relationship, and ask yourself what changes do you want to see and how are you going to bring about those changes. It may be possible to open his eyes and show him changes are necessary, or it may not. You are ultimately responsible only for your actions, not his. You may have to make some difficult decisions in the long run. Best of luck, and keep posting here for your reality check.

Is he a bloody cyclist?

Could you do a food delivery rather than spending part of the weekend doing it ?
I think you need to arrange an evening every other week and go out. Get a babysitter.
Could you take up a hobby a couple of nights a week and leave him with the kids?

If you value the relationship you need to find a way to spend some time together. We try to make it a thing to watch a show together every night even if he works late or things are chaotic. We started this when things went downhill in our marriage as we both became obsessed with different pursuits and life goals. It really does help us stay close. That and having the same bedtime together each night.