To try stay out of it and feeling used?

[Defeated10]

I received a message yesterday from a women I vaguely know. The message basically said her husband had left her and she feels awful and knew that I left my ex a while ago and do I have any advice for her and how can she get through it. I thought this is such a random message. Anyway I replied just saying oh no hope you're ok, I made sure i had people around to support me and hope it works out. She's come back telling me all about it and asking if I'm with any one and what should she do?

I barely know her and yes I feel bad for her but I have my own problems too. AIBU to feel a bit used? She hasn't messaged me before. Should I just wish her well and stay out of it?

I'm trying to make my boundaries better as I haven't had good ones my whole life and people have walked all over me. I don't want that anymore. But am I being a cow? I don't know? What to others think?

Sounds like she’s vulnerable and seeking reassurance. I wouldn’t feel used at all. If you don’t want to talk to her then don’t but I don’t think she’s really trying to get anything from you - what do you think she’s using you for exactly? Maybe she’s just heartbroken and wants to hear a happy ending to give her hope.

Agreed with Katealwayslate, unless she asks for money, stuff or major part of your time, doesn’t look like she’s using you.
She might just want some kindness and reassurance that things will be ok for her.
You obviously, don’t have to talk to her but when we go thru a phase we try to reach to people that would understand us.
When I lost my DSis to DA I reach out to people that had lost a sibling or had experienced my situation for reassurance that it’d be ok and I’m still in a bereavement group.

You are being weird.
The woman is just reaching out, in the same way that people in similar circumstances post on MN for support.
Perhaps send her to MN if you don't want to talk to her?

I would try and stay well away. Yes she's vulnerable, yes she may just be looking for reassurance, but i would want to avoid being the "breakup expert" she turns to whenever she's had a bad day. I think it's a bit weird she's reached out at all given you're not friends and i wouldn't want to encourage her.

I don't think I'd be upset over it, defeated. She's hurt and bewildered and you know what that's like which is why she reached out to you. Sometimes it's easier to 'offload' on someone who isn't a close, personal friend.

However it's entirely up to you how you proceed or if at all. We can all be out of our depth occasionally with confidantes.

Giving advice isn't always helpful either but you can tell her, if you don't mind doing so, how you managed.

Other than that, it's cathartic to have somebody listen and it costs nothing to just be there.

All the very best

I think YABU. This lady is in a horrible situation and it would appear doesn't have any close friends who've been through it, so she's reaching out to someone who has. At this point it doesn't sound like she's overstepped any boundaries whatsoever. You can set your own limits on how often/how much contact you want but it would be kind to chat to her. From your post it sounds like you had a good support network when you went through this - not everyone is so fortunate.

Why has she got your number if you vaguely know her ?.
Sounds strange to say the least.

Yea I guess I didn't think of it like that. I'm not trying to be a cow but I just don't want boundaries over stepped like previous friends have done in the past and taken advantage of me. Think I'm being a little insensitive. Thank you

@kuga it's through a social media platform

God it doesn't take much to be nice does it ? Just reply for some numbers for support groups or friendly meetups like the WI if there's a local one to you , or say you go to such and such coffee morning just to chat to people and get out the house
Suggest cab for benefit help or something similar
Basically the sort of advice people on here give but with a couple of local contacts

Ah I see easy to find people on Facebook these days

Hope you're ok xx

Ahhhhh that makes sense now.
It`s also why I steer away from that stuff.
Can only cause problems.

I know lots of people are saying ‘just be nice to her, she needs help, she’s just reaching out’ but I would feel weird and unsettled having a conversation as personal as that with anyone I only ‘vaguely know’.

It’s a very personal topic and I wouldn’t want to discuss anything as emotionally fraught as my own relationship breakup (which is what she seems to be expecting you to do, in order to help her) with someone who was barely more than a stranger to me. If it was a friend, fine - but this woman isn’t a friend, you hardly know her, and if the conversation is making you feel uncomfortable you don’t have to continue it. As you say - boundaries are important and people shouldn’t be encouraging you to engage in a deeply personal conversation, that’s linked to something that was once really upsetting for you, with someone you barely know if you’re not comfortable with that.

She is probably reaching out to someone who has been where she is and probably going you can reassure her that it gets better. I can also understand that you are feeling unsettled though. Yanbu and she is nbu.

I wouldn’t give any personal information, if you want to help only give general information, I definitely wouldn’t say if you are dating or who, it might be someone, may be an ex, trying to find out about your relationships.