To feel like a massive fraud?

[NotAProperGrownUp]

Quick background: my ex-husband left me in February after admitting a year-long affair with a colleague. There were no obvious problems in our marriage as far as I knew. I went briefly insane with grief, but think I am doing a reasonable job of holding life together for myself and my children. Divorce nearly final, house sold, new house purchased. I’m making more money than I have since pre-children, my juggling has got better! I’m generally upbeat and sociable, going out and doing new things and reconnecting with old friends etc. BUT, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been roundly rejected, if the person who knows me better/longer than anyone found me so seriously lacking then I must be a bit shit! I want to think the future could hold lovely things, but feel like I’m just pretending and everyone can see right through my pretence. AIBU to worry that I’m making a n even bigger fool of myself?

You're not making a fool of yourself, it sounds like you're doing really well!

It's not that you're a fraud, just that your self esteem has understandably taken a serious battering and might need a little bit more time and extra nurturing.

Watch Kathy Burke all woman, you will change your mind, he is the shit to string you along. I accept people fall in and out of love but having the decency to end things. Arseholes.
You sound like you are doing brilliantly, be glad you are rid of a cheating twat and look forward to tomorrow. Friends, hobbies, children, work embrace your life. Don’t wallow in what changed in his mind and caught his eye. “men would fuck a ham sandwich” according to Kathy Burke.

The resources here may help: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

Your ex is the one who was found lacking. Enjoy your new life and be you're free of him.

*be glad you're free of him

OMG - try not to feel that way! You are obviously an amazing woman and have a great life ahead of you. You sound inspirational. The fact that your exH is a lying, inadequate twat is not your fault and best of all, he is someone else's problem now.
Celebrate your new life of freedom where you can do anything you want to do at any time.

Thanks, I know objectively he’s the one who did wrong and that people fall out of love etc. However, it is possible I am awful but deluded enough not to see my own awfulness. How do you tell the difference between low self-esteem and a depressing but realistic self-awareness?

You sound great and authentic. At work you wouldn’t be doing well unless you were actually productive. If you are authentic, you know people will like you for who you are. Sure someone might think they might fancy you, but after a couple of dates they don’t - that’s dating and the purpose of dating, not you.

No, you're not awful. I can totally see why your confidence has been so knocked way down low but you're not a fraud, you're not lacking and you're not a fool. Perhaps he didn't know you as well as he once did, as you both grew older, had children etc. He didn't look to see what kind of person you'd become. That's his loss.

In a few short months you have pulled your life together again and you're doing brilliantly. Give yourself more time and you'll see just how amazing you are - look at what you've achieved already!

I think I understand what you mean, I was the 'injured party' in my divorce and I used to feel like this, thinking I must be defective in some way, or not as attractive, physically and mentally, as other people. It didn't matter how many people said how surprised they were, and how it was his loss, I still felt inferior and rejected, and looked for reasons why my life had fallen apart.
You just have to give it time, you are doing all the right things , be determined to enjoy your life, that feeling will fade in time. I have had a good life since my divorce and although I did marry again eventually, I was happy and confident as a single mother.
Incidentally, I now see my ex and feel I dodged a bullet, without the rose tinted spectacles of love, he is sooo boring

Thanks again, you’re all very kind.
Do you think people can see I am a bit broken though - I feel a bit like I’m constantly trying to hide an injury and that makes me feel less than authentic. But at the same time I’m not prepared to appear as a victim. I’m pretty good at the single mum thing I think, am ok by myself, but I’d love to be loved again at some point and can’t see how that would be possible! Who on earth falls in love with a rejected single mother of two?!

It wasn’t you that was lacking OP. Sometimes I agree people can be helped into someone’s arms, but it is still them. Normal, good people don’t go around breaking others.

But you're not 'a rejected single mum of two'. That doesn't define you. You are you, a unique, special individual, just the same as the rest of us! Equally worthy of love.

And guess what, you come with a back story and history and baggage that's helped mould and shape you. You don't need to apologise for them, or be embarrassed about them.

It sounds like you were dealt a serious blow, and came out fighting, for you and for your family. That is admirable and suggests someone with tremendous strength of character. Be proud of your achievements. That is what defines you.

Thing is, I’m not inspirational or admirable. I’m pretending to be. I’m fucking knackered and lonely and out of my depth.

Just doing the things you are doing is amazing. Don’t feel bad about feeling down or lonely. It isn’t your fault, we all yearn for company and someone to share life with. You sound like you are taking active steps to make your life better - going to work, meeting people. It is no shame that you have been hurt before and it affecting you. Don’t feel bad about it - you sound like you’re a lovely person.

Wow you sound amazing ! Seriously! I think everyone will have nothing but admiration for you .
Hope the future is kind to you x

You have done amazing to rebuild your life. And it is fake at the start but in time you will heal.

Keep doing what you are doing. The betrayal from the one person you thought would always stand by you hurts like no other. It will pass in time.

Just keep taking it Day by day. And it will be your new normal at some point.

His leaving for ow. Says a lot more about him and his morals and decency than you. Hold your head high.

I totally understand where you’re coming from with this - it’s 7 years since my exH had an affair with a women 14 years younger than me, and then did a right number on me - it was all my fault, blah, blah,blah...

It does mess with your head and it took me a good couple of years to work through how much it had affected my self esteem. There are still vestiges of that left now, but time is the healer and you keep on pushing through.

It is not a reflection of you. It just demonstrates what a weak, pathetic and selfish man he is. Even if he was unhappy with you, he had the option to talk to you and either work on it, or leave you, without someone else to go to.

I know you don’t feel inspirational or admirable - I’ve lost count of the times people have told me this and I’m thinking that I’m barely holding on by my fingertips. Same thing - knackered, lonely.

The only thing I can suggest, that works for me - see your friends regularly. Accept that you will have bad days/weeks - they won’t last forever. Counselling helps if you can do it.

And you are amazing - you may not feel it. But you are - even if you’re shattered, lonely etc, you’re still getting through each day and that is something to be proud of after what you’ve been through.

Are you getting enough time to yourself?

I’m not inspirational or admirable. I’m pretending to be. I’m fucking knackered and lonely and out of my depth.

Those things aren't mutually exclusive. You're inspirational and admirable because you're holding it together and are in some ways doing better than you were before. You feel knackered, lonely and out of our depth because it is hard doing these things, especially while you're hurting so much.

I so know how you are feeling!

Remember though the things you have achieved are not fake, they are real and show everyone how strong and capable you are. This doesn't mean you can't feel worn out by it all. I'm having mental health problems and on the surface, I look better, in reality, I am better at masking how I feel. It sounds like you need someone to talk all this through with, someone neutral like a counsellor who can help you deal with stress in a healthy way. Good luck.

OP you are being way too hard on yourself. You are not rejected and abandoned. You had the rug pulled out from beneath you and your trust has been shattered. You are still healing from the worst betrayal.

You are not awful. Your ex is awful to do that to you that and the children. Men like that will most probably do it again - the other woman knows he is capable of cheating and walking away without a second glance because he did it for her. Besides, you would have hated yourself even more had you stayed.

You sound as if you are quite a private/stoic person, do you have anyone you can really confide in when you get the question 'So how are you doing?'. You are doing so brilliantly outwardly, it's okay to let your guard down and scream to a friend.

Also, it's only been a year - that is no time in the grand scheme of things, especially when you say there were no problems.
You have sorted out all the practical stuff for you and you children - be kind to yourself.

I’ve read over this several times this morning. Thank you for putting me back on track. I do have good friends I can be honest with, and I recognise I’m doing ok with a shitty set of circumstances. I needed to hear it from people who have no connection to me! Thank you again 🙏

It was his fault, his issue OP- not yours. Well done for getting through such a difficult time and picking yourself up again. Keep going

It's still early days for you. Sounds like you're doing really well.

I've had similar thoughts to you but now feel better about myself than I have in years. I hope you will too.