Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I might be but I don't want to be.

18 replies

Flaming · 31/08/2019 23:14

My husband told me a year after we married that he had an illegitimate child. Born when he was expecting his second child to his ex wife. It shifted things massively between us, lots of trust issues on my part to work out, the feeling that he wasn't the guy I married etc etc.

I pushed for four years for him to meet his wee boy, literally pushed. Told him that whatever happened that none of it was the boys fault, told him I'd have his back in whatever happened - as long as I was kept in the loop.

Two weeks ago we finally met him. He's wonderful, a credit to his mother, really polite, all the things. I told my husband he had to tell his family, rip the plaster off. And I'd be the to support him 100%. Last weekend I was away with our youngest son for work. When we got back my husband said he'd phoned his mum. I thought nothing of it, thought it was a general chat. Tonight he's been getting messages all night from his brothers. He'd told his mum last weekend when I wasn't here, and she'd obviously passed on the happy news.

I'm hurt and upset that I wasn't invited to that conversation, he's telling me that I'm being unreasonable. I might be. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
KellyHall · 31/08/2019 23:17

Unreasonable is a bit strong but I think ultimately it was his thing to tell his family and now he's done that.

You can feel a great sense of accomplishment for getting him to this point but now he is taking the responsibility himself by telling his family I would actually see it as a positive step.

Silenceissilver · 31/08/2019 23:19

It’s such a non issue and I wouldn’t make a fuss

Mamaty · 31/08/2019 23:22

Can see y u feel left out after u did the hard work to convince him but maybe he was nervous about their reactions and wanted to do it on his own for that reason

SandAndSea · 31/08/2019 23:23

Maybe he needed a bit of time to himself to work up to having the conversation with his mum?

Hecateh · 31/08/2019 23:25

He wasn't sure how they would react and didn't want you to catch the fallout if they reacted badly.

You have achieved your aim of having an innocent child included in your family. Celebrate and build on that if you can. AND celebrate that you have been instrumental in this.

icedgem85 · 31/08/2019 23:25

YABU. Sorry! His son, his mum, his news. His reasons are his own too, but bear in mind it might have been to shield you from his mum’s reaction, if it were not positive it could have been embarrassing. However, you’ve done a fantastic thing and I hope he makes more effort himself now he’s met him. Well done :)

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 23:26

I think YABU. It was OK for him to have that conversation on his own. It must have been a difficult one for him to have.

You’ve been absolutely great about the whole thing, but I think you just need to let this element go.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2019 23:26

Did he tell you he had token his mum and family? If so YABU but if not and he just glossed over it, that is weird given from what you've said you sound v supportive, it sounds like he hid it from you for no reason

tigger001 · 31/08/2019 23:35

He has probably just seen the right opportunity and grabbed it while he had the confidence to do so.
I can see you being a bit miffed as you have helped get him to this point, but no, I would read too much into it and just enjoy you time all together with no skeletons in anyone's closet SmileSmile

justbeingadad · 31/08/2019 23:37

I think your issue is more he hid the details of the call? If so, YANBU. That seems a strange thing for him to do since he knows you'd be fully supportive, maybe even proud of him.

Sadly it sounds like more trust issues.

SilverySurfer · 31/08/2019 23:43

You did a good thing to get him to contact his DS but I really don't understand why you would need to be involved in the conversation with his family. What do you think you've missed out on? So I would have to say YABU.

ShirleyPhallus · 31/08/2019 23:45

YABU

Original poster
Flaming · 31/08/2019 23:53

Thanks so much for the replies, you've all genuinely helped me. I just spoke to my husband and he really thought when he told me he'd phoned his mum that I knew what he meant. I just made a massive issue in my head that wasn't there, and he's just trying not to rub everything in my face, bless him. Here's to the future 😊

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 31/08/2019 23:56

You took your DC away for work?

Skittlesandbeer · 01/09/2019 00:05

I think it’s fine that you’re sensitive to ‘secrets’ after he kept such a massive one for so long. It seems obvious to me that he’ll need to be extra careful around topics and actions that could be read as ‘secrets’ for a long time.

I’d be confirming with him that you expect clear and full disclosure on this topic (and others) and none of this ‘I thought you’d figure it out/put the pieces together yourself/intuit my meaning’ shit.

That’s how he can build trust back up. He can’t expect to revert to ‘normal’ level disclosure after showing such spectacular lack of judgement in the past. You’ll need a touch more effort (long term) from him.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/09/2019 00:10

What Skittles says

You're not asking for thoughts on the w

EarringsandLipstick · 01/09/2019 00:15

Sorry. Posted by mistake.

Meant to say...

I know you don't want to discuss the wider issue, fair enough.

But this is a huge disclosure and I can only imagine the challenge it presented for you and your relationship.

He cheated on this then-wife, who was pregnant and then ignored the entire situation and the child involved.

I know some years have passed since his disclosure but God, he needs to be 100% honest and transparent.

I'm a hit 😳 at your 'bless him' comment. Can't see he merits this, at all.

Sounds like you've been amazing in terms of putting the little boy first. 👏

Givemealittkewan · 01/09/2019 00:28

I'd imagine he didn't want you to witness his explanation to his mother about his infidelity and lies and the years she has potentially lost with her grandchild. She could have reacted in any way to the news too

I think you are amazing too that this little boy has been your first concern.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.