I'm going to try and keep this as neutral as possible as I don't want to weight the incident in my favour but DH and I have just had an argument that has left me feeling rather perplexed and unheard by DH.
It started as a rather basic conversation, he asked if I had fed our cats this evening. I replied "yes, had they been fed whilst I was out today?" (for context I spent most of my morning rushing about to prepare myself and our toddler twins for a visit to my Grandmother who is currently in hospital - today was the first chance she had to meet them) he replied in what I consider to be a rather accusatory way - but I may be overthinking it,
"Why didn't you tell me they needed feeding?"
I explained that, as we were both here together for the whole morning whilst I was sorting things out for the trip to the hospital, he would have noticed if I had fed them - so I didn't think he needed to be told as it has been the routine, for as long as we have been a couple, to feed them once in the morning, I then feed them in the mid afternoon, one in the evening and then finally before we go to bed. He could not see my point as valid and became very frustrated with me.
I then tried again to explain, that I didn't feel he needed to be told that our cats need to be fed as the schedule rarely changes. He wouldn't hear it and became very condescending about my memory recall and claimed his memory is better than mine - which seemed as though he was using this "fact" (that can't really be proven either way IMO) as a way of completely dismissing my frustration that he "needs" to be told about a very basic, not complicated, day to day occurence i.e. feeding the poor cats!
Then when I wouldn't back down he got louder and I had to tell him to keep his voice down as I will not be spoken to like something he stepped in, also our DC are asleep upstairs and I didn't want them woken up by an argument that never should have happened.
I tried to explain that if he had just replied to my question with something like "shit, sorry didn't realise it needed doing." that would have been the end of the matter, but when his immediate response is to level blame on me, that by saying "why didn't you tell me" (in a not so nice way I might add) it was shifting accusation where I wasn't trying to lay any and that, had he just admitted he forgot, or didn't realise, without that statement, I wouldn't have felt the need to defend my position.
It's such a stupid thing to argue about, but his reaction has left me concerned as he was like this with me previously, earlier in our relationship, the arguments would get worse then as I let myself get caught up in them, today I was using the Grey Rock method.
He had improved so much over the years that to have it rear it's head again tonight over something so simple - has left me questioning are we headed down that path again.
Additional context, we have both recently suffered a horrible bereavement, we lost our third child, our son Christopher to stillbirth, he has been spiralling somewhat as he tries to cope with this loss. I feel I am the one who has to maintain the strong front, to get the day to day sorted at home and keep the family going as a unit. So it is possible I projected onto him additional frustrations.
But I don't feel I should apologise for this altercation, as the longer he continues with his spiral the harder it will be for him to undo the hurt he has and may continue to cause, so I have to address it with him as I do not want to lose him to this - but I will not be a doormat.
Thank you if you have read this far and please let me know, should I have just dropped it, regardless of his defensive and accusatory comment, or was I right to try and nip this behaviour in the bud, knowing that we have been in a similar position before and it nearly broke us.