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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second hand clothes.

30 replies

Magicmama92 · 31/08/2019 22:51

My mil from the moment I got pregnant has become very pushy in her views on how to parent. My child is now 1 and I've had a full year of being told how to fee, how to dress my child and constant comments on my childs appearance.
she has an opinion on everything and constantly makes me feel I'm a terrible mum. She never listens and is always right so it's hard to even explain things or talk to her.
We buy our child clothes but we also get second hand clothes becouse it's so expensive otherwise and we like to know our child has enough before going up a size.
My partner showed his mum a bundle of second hand clothes we were bidding on and she said

"Why are you buying your child second hand clothes. You both have family and friends that love you and your child and get her clothes your child dosnt need second hand"

Am I wrong in thinking shes being snobby and not thinking about how we cant just relay on people and expect them all to buy things?
I'd be a bit stressed if we didnt get enough clothes becouse we just expected them. Plus when my mil buys clothes she never asks what we need or are low on so I cant really think ok I dont have to buy coats becouse I never know what shes got.

Shes now sent us money to buy clothes. I appreciate that but I'm still going to get second hand clothes to save money and well kids get messy and grow fast. I feel a bit upset becouse we still buy new clothes and my child dosnt wear rags but I'm feeling shes implying we are bad parents for not getting everything new or relaying on family.
I'm really struggling with how my mil seems to think she knows best and it makes me feel undervalued as my childs mum.

OP posts:
Shplot · 31/08/2019 22:53

I love second hand clothes! 1. Kids grow so fast, it’s expensive and wasteful to buy all new. 2. It’s so much better ethically and environmentally to buy second hand.
Just say you appreciate the thought but you’ll still buy second hand!

CalamityJune · 31/08/2019 22:55

YANBU. Young children go through clothes so quickly, it is obscenely expensive and also wasteful to buy a whole new wardrobe everytime they go up a size. On the other side, tour house can quickly become overrun with clothes that are too small and people are only too glad to give them to someone who has use of them.

Would she feel the same if a friend or relative had given you clothes that their child had outgrown?

acquiescence · 31/08/2019 23:00

Explain to her the environmental and ethical reasons why you may choose to buy second hand. It’s not just about money surely? I totally agree with you and hardly ever buy new.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 31/08/2019 23:02

I buy second-hand clothes for me. I wouldn't hesitate to buy them for children.

Tell her it's more environmentally-friendly.

summersherewishiwasnt · 31/08/2019 23:04

Stop sharing your domestic arrangements with her, smile and nod. Fuck off and keep your beak out may be a little ott.

drspouse · 31/08/2019 23:07

Buy the second hand clothes and use the money you've saved from her gift to buy some fancy wooden toys/lovely handmade soap/gently used handbag for you. Tell her how very kind she is and the planet is grateful too!

ballsdeep · 31/08/2019 23:13

Buy them. For my first I bought everything brand new then realised when my second came along how many hundreds and hundreds of pounds I'd wasted! I have boxes and bags of clothes that are practically brand new because kids grow so quickly.

Original poster
Magicmama92 · 31/08/2019 23:14

Thank you for your responses.
One of my friends gives us a lot of her eldests clothes and I give her things for her youngest. I never knew why my mil would pull a face or suddenly act differently when I'd say oh that's one of my friends childs outfits isn't it cute. Now I guess I know she hates it.
We dont have the money to buy all new which i know she knows and i love a good bargain a lot of second hand is in such good shape and lovely.
My child only wears stained or well worn items at home when eating or being messy. I was brought up on second hand clothes and toys. Oddly the mil has got second hand toys herself which I dont get but anything second hand we get shes funny about.
My partner only showed her as there was a cute pair of jeans.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 31/08/2019 23:18

2nd hand clothes is 85% of mine & dc wardrobe. Recycling, supporting charities, better for the environment, much cheaper-what's not to like?!

PandaPantaloon · 31/08/2019 23:20

We only buy second hand clothes because it's more environmentally friendly. Kids clothes in my local charity shop are 1euro each and I am constantly surprised by the amount of brand new with tags clothes we get. Last week my 9 year old got 3 brand new zara dresses that retail for 20euro each. Who on earth buys clothes and never wears them? It is such a waste and I don't see the point of buying new when you can get a whole new wardrobe for the price of one dress.

SurfingGiantess · 31/08/2019 23:22

It's actually better to have 2nd hand clothes because all the toxins have been washed out already Grin and it's better for the environment. Yes she's a snob and your OH needs to tell her to butt out and leave you to it.

SaveTheTreesPlease · 31/08/2019 23:24

If she’s that mental way inclined then just stop talking to her about that kind of thing - it’s none of her business! If she brings it up just nod, smile and change the subject to the weather/last night’s TV, etc.

Voice of bitter experience

MotherOfTheNoise · 31/08/2019 23:29

Oh dear, I must be a terrible parent! Our baby is wearing some baby grows that have been passed down through 4 children. I mean, she's sleeping in them, at home, no one can see. Also, breakfast is a messy affair so why would I buy brand new for her to mush banana and weetabix into?

Thehagonthehill · 31/08/2019 23:30

I got lots of second hand clothes for DD,things pass around through friends.They are out of early clothes between 3-6 months so it makes no sense to buy all new.
DD is a teen now and scours Preloved sites for her clothes.

LavaLamp5566 · 31/08/2019 23:31

I buy second-hand clothes. Cheaper, environmentally friendlier and I often find I can get my sizes

Tell your MIL if she doesn't butt out then she can't come round anymore, but stick to your guns - Don't be letting your OH invite her around. Or tell her to buy one of those reborn babies and she can be that baby's Mummy. Yours already has one and you're doing amazingly Flowers Wine

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 31/08/2019 23:32

You need to care less about what your mil and other randoms think, and have more courage in your own beliefs.

‘Thanks, mil. We believe it’s better value, better for the planet and cheaper to buy preloaded clothes. You had your chance to parent dh and this is our baby, so we’ll parent our way. Another cuppa?’

pointythings · 31/08/2019 23:37

We buy lots of second hand clothes and have done since ours were little. Mine are 16 and 18 and they make their clothing allowance go a very long way by charity shopping almost everything. You get great clothes, you help a charity and you're saving the planet. Your MIL needs educating (but may well never learn).

My mum gave me clothes for my DDs that I had worn when I was a baby - immaculate baby grows, handmade dresses, a gorgeous baby sleeping bag before baby sleeping bags were a thing. We used every last scrap and some of it was good enough to be passed down to other friends and family!

bigshiplittleboat · 31/08/2019 23:40

We have been incredibly fortunate in that somebody my SIL clothes has emptied her attic into our house clothes wise, and I don’t have to buy anything for my daughter for the next four years. Second hand clothes are amazing, generally good quality as they have already lasted, and much better for the environment! An absolute godsend if you are a pair of skint freelancers trying to bring up a child too! I’m proud of our second hand wardrobes!

bigshiplittleboat · 31/08/2019 23:41

SIL knows, not clothes! Pregnancy brain (safe in the knowledge we can clothe this one too!)

Purpleartichoke · 31/08/2019 23:48

We are very comfortable financially. For the first few years, almost all my dd’s Clothing was 2nd hand. In those early years, sometimes kids only wear something once or twice before it is outgrown. You can get clothes that look like new for a fraction of the price. I would rather not waste money on clothing so I can indulge in other ways.

Elieza · 31/08/2019 23:49

Back in the day second hand clothes were only given to charity when they were stained or threadbare. If the mil is old she perhaps has that in her head. Nowadays it’s a very different and as others have said it’s better for the environment, wallet, and toxin wise too. Not to mention helping a deserving cause. Just don’t mention where the clothes came from. Just the label ie “where did you get that top” “it’s George at Asda, their clothes are great for children” (rather than “it’s from oxfam”)

megletthesecond · 31/08/2019 23:51

Yanbu.

Fridakahlofan · 31/08/2019 23:53

yanbu! thank you for thinking of the planet and buying second hand.

PickAChew · 31/08/2019 23:53

Keep doing what you're doing, only don't keep trying to explain yourself to your MIL. She sounds insufferable.

MoggyP · 01/09/2019 00:01

We've always had hand-me-downs (same when I was a child) and sometimes bought second hand.

You do sound a little anxious about having plenty of clothes, and perhaps making a bigger deal about going up a size (you really don't need to replace everything as sizing is not that consistent)

Buy less, reuse - both excellent for the planet.

Make sure you don't discuss purchasing habits with MIL again, no matter how cute the item. If she asks where something came from, stock answer is: "can't remember, what does it say in the label?"