Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy presents???

53 replies

FeelUselesss · 31/08/2019 21:31

Me and my husband have had the conversation that we are not going to do Christmas presents or birthday presents for our son (who's going to be 1 in January), as we don't really see the point as he is too little.. we are just going to add money into his account we set up for him for later in life (if he wants a laptop for uni, a house deposit etc)
We explained to people we'd rather people give money for him for later in life than give presents which some have respected.
However, a lot of family have kicked off at us and told us we are being self centred and he needs something to open! Are we being unreasonable and cruel?

OP posts:
Zelda93 · 31/08/2019 22:15

I have said the same about Xmas and birthday my daughter won't know she'll only be 6 months at Xmas but if family want to buy for her it's not an issue. We aren't though and we'll add money to her account. I wouldn't do this long term but just till she's old enough to appreciate the events.

CatteStreet · 31/08/2019 22:16

I think it's a bit graceless and greedy to ask for money from other people, tbh.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2019 22:20

Do you buy him stuff as and when he needs it? If he has plenty of toys then in my opinion YANBU

It's my childs birthday at a similar time. I've just bought her a 'big' toy this week as she is developmentally ready for it. It's in good condition but second hand. She won't get anything for Christmas, maybe clothes and a token gift, as she doeant need anything and is still too little to want anything and ahes had her toy when she needed it rather than going by a religious calendar that we dont even believe in!

Its different when they are old enough to understand or care. But my opinion is, there will be years in the future when they want stuff, and want branded stuff, and will be glad you can use the money you saved when they were tiny and didn't care, towards whatever they want at the time. My friends with teenagers tell me they are loads more expensive than toddlers.

Bottom line, babies and toddlers will not care so who are you doing it for?

blahblahblahblahhh · 31/08/2019 22:22

Well done you - save on the plastic crap!
I've done no presents for a few years now (Xmas especially).
Mother in law didn't like it at first (especially for dear grand children), however, I stuck to my guns. I told her she could buy one present for grand child (and made a suggestion), if anything else was bought it has to stay at her house! The present pile soon stopped as it was crapping up her house rather than mine.
My mum and dad are fab if we suggest money or theatre vouchers etc for kids they will just do what we say. They don't see the need for all the plastic junk!

Nonnymum · 31/08/2019 22:23

It's fine for you to decide that but you can't dictate what others give him.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2019 22:23

Upto you what you do but to tell others you want cash and no gifts is very grasping and greedy.

notso · 31/08/2019 22:25

We explained to people we'd rather people give money for him for later in life...
It's not up to other people to put him through university or buy him a house. That's up to you and him.

JennyWoodentop · 31/08/2019 22:27

It's about them, not you. People like buying gifts for young children for all sorts of reasons and you are spoiling their fun! If they love your son & like to see him happy they will be thrilled to buy a toy that he adores. If your kids are older it can be lovely, up to a point, to go to a toy shop & get all nostalgic about what your kids used to like. Clearly your son doesn't "need " lots of plastic rubbish & at his age won't know he's missing it.

I don't think you'll be able to stop people getting him things & they will be put out if you tell them not to. The only answer is to regift or take to the charity shop stuff that you really don't want to give house room to.

One reasonable stipulation is if you don't have much space is that it is totally OK to say no large toys if you don't have room for them.

Love51 · 31/08/2019 22:28

I remember giving my second born Christmas presents at a few months old so older sibling didn't think Father Christmas had forgotten! Some had been dc1s toys previously, stashed away and wrapped, new dummies, and the one practical thing we didn't have already left from dc1. Money was tight at that point, my kids didn't get savings from me until childcare costs reduced considerably!
I think asking for things from grandparents depends from grandparent to grandparent. Mine have 3 sets and range from they choose, purchase, wrap and deliver, to putting money in our account for me to spend as I see fit. The givers make this decision, I just say 'thank you' - they are all happy giving the way they do, they wouldn't be happy giving the way each other do.

Nameisthegame · 31/08/2019 22:30

For my dd first ChristmasI bought her like one new cheap toy and then wrapped up some of the toys she already had, she just loved unwrapping them really.

Nameisthegame · 31/08/2019 22:31

The rest of the presents that were brought were just practical things really, clothes Muslin clothes etc

Sewrainbow · 31/08/2019 22:33

Dippypippy1982 has the right idea, it is your responsibility to save for his future and if you choose not to get gifts then fine that's your choice. I think that to deprive others that love him the joy of buying a gift is a little unkind as long as they don't buy too much.

I do understand about too much "stuff" though unfortunately my dm couldn't exercise restraint in the early years and went massively overboard. Although I'm now realising how short a time it is when children are young and play with toys. My DC are moving away from toys and I'm finding it hard to restrain myself when buying for nephews as I love them and do want to treat them to toys they will like, I love the whole thing about thinking what they will like, choosing it, wrapping it prettily and watching them open it. Let your family have that joy too but maybe guide them to what you want him to have?

tigger001 · 31/08/2019 22:36

It's absolutely your choice what you buy your child and money in an account is much more beneficial.

I hate plastic toys and I am really trying to buy less, so my family insist on buying DS presents at Christmas (except in laws, who do the money thing like us ) but I do ask that they try to buy wooden toys and only 1 each. BlushBlush

reluctantbrit · 31/08/2019 22:38

In one way I do understand you but on the other there are items he will be able to play with and you may want to get him anyway.

We didn’t go overboard and I agree they don’t understand the idea of presents but getting some toys is also some kind of investment.

Look for items 18 months and older, he may enjoy them in the months to come afterwards. We also got vouchers for shoes and the next car seat when DD turned 1.

I am ok giving money but for that age there are lots of things a toddler will enjoy or need from a practical point of view and they do change a lot between 12 and 18 months, something you may not realise yet.

You could also look into classes like toddler gym, music groups, swimming or a membership somewhere locally to go regularly.

leomama81 · 31/08/2019 22:39

people may be able to pick up toys v cheaply but would feel they’d need to give you a larger amount than they would spend in cash.

This is a good point. I think it's absolutely fine and sensible for you to do it but asking other people does put pressure on them. At Christmas you can get amazing 3 for 2 offers on toys at M&S for example where someone might get toys for a few children of friends/family members and spend a fiver on each one. But you'd feel a bit mean just putting a fiver in an account where the parents could see how much was spent. I would probably avoid giving presents at all, depending on who the child/parents were to me, if this was the request.

mama345 · 31/08/2019 22:42

Stick to your guns, I'd say! People claim they are worried about global warming and plastic pollution, yet they insist a six-month old should have gifts to open for Christmas / his birthday; I find that a bit hypocritical tbh. Perhaps you could suggest vouchers for a day out / swimming lessons or that they make a sensory basket.

Coconutbug · 31/08/2019 22:42

I think it is sensible and I think we did it for my daughter's first 2 christmasses. She was 6 months for her first so didn't get it at all.
Now I buy all of her presents secondhand or from charity shops. Also means no trying to get toys out of boxes when she's desperate to play with them!!
People do hate the idea of giving money. I've said a few times to people money for activities is the best thing for us but they are insistent she 'must have something to open'.. frustrating on both sides I guess.

I'd rather have the money so I can get her things throughout the year and space out toys when I find something she's interested it rather than guessing on toys and them being complete failures (which has been the case a few times).

If people are insistent on buying him a present maybe make it practical things, clothes, new car seat, books, colouring stuff, cot duvet sheets etc etc things that will be used in the future.

Catsandchardonnay · 31/08/2019 22:43

YABU and also a grabby fun sponge. Hth

Notnownotneverever · 31/08/2019 22:44

It’s not up to you to dictate what others give as gifts. It’s frustrating as a parent but it is what it is. They can gift whatever they like. So if they have said they want your DC to have something to open then I would start thinking of ideas of presents you would like for him.

TiredOldTable · 31/08/2019 22:45

Our friends wrapped up their childs existing presents for 1st birthday and Christmas plus helium balloon (foil type) wrapped in a giant box

Genius

phoenixrosehere · 31/08/2019 22:50

Yanbu.

Your child is only turning one. Definitely not going to remember who gave them what and such. Our boys are 4 and almost 2 and husband and I agreed we’re not throwing any parties until they are able to ask for one. Any money that they receive go straight into their accounts and we match it. The most I buy is usually an outfit for pictures. They have more than enough toys and books that I’m pretty much telling people not to worry about it. If they still choose to there’s not much I can do other than thank them and donate any toy given to a baby bank if the boys show no interest in it. Rather it be given to another child who would be more interested and enjoy it more than it sitting stored away and likely forgotten for another year.

SaveTheTreesPlease · 31/08/2019 23:09

We’re trying to do similar OP, but we’ve only suggested to grandparents to do the same if they’d like to (wouldn’t dream of asking other less close family members or friends to give money, but that’s just me). For Xmas we’re putting money into savings but getting them a few books each and a couple of small/useful things so they’ll have something to open but we’re not just buying tons of pointless stuff for the sake of it (they already have WAY more toys than they need)

RoseMartha · 31/08/2019 23:14

You will find some family and friends will buy your little one clothes. And to be honest about 18 months up they really need a few more toys as rattles etc dont cut it by that age so you could always suggest to people to give a little something for 18 month olds plus.

You could ask for membership for an activity ie; to the swimming pool or baby gym or sing and sign etc.

raspberryk · 31/08/2019 23:40

@PapaShango it is not mean, what a strange concept. He will have presents from lots of family, something from his sister, no doubt countless crap at his dad's, I don't think taking him to Lego land instead is mean pmsl. It's bloody expensive for one.

jesuschristwtf · 31/08/2019 23:53

your child - surely your choice? Whats the issue - are you afraid of being judged by others?