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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DP is so bloody frustrating.

24 replies

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/08/2019 20:00

Just for context, I'm pregnant, hormones raging. We've drove back from France this morning after a holiday with my family of two weeks in twin beds. So were both a bit tired and miserable.

But two thing have happened today that makes me want to tear my hair out.

A) we decided to get take away for dinner as we havent done a food shop yet. I said to DP my only now fitting bra (my boobs have grown past GG's now!) Is in the wash so if he dodnt wanna ring and order take away I would wait in the car but I cant go in without a bra on. He said shittly "no, popping. You are coming in"
I lost my rag abit and asked why he was being shitty and demanding, I cant go in there braless, I've offered to either wait in the car or call and have it delivered. He wasnt happy with either. He then started using a baby soft voice telling me he asked nicely for me to go in with him. He didnt, he demanded I go in, there was no question. He was utterly convinced he asked nicely!

B) I've told him I want to go and have a nice bath and get ready for an early night and we can watch a film.
He came upstairs 10 minutes later and said his brother was coming to sort out a water leak we've been told we have.
DP told me earlier we have to call someone yo sort out the leak as Severn trent cant do it because it will be expensive. I said I thought they needed access to the kitchen to find the leak first before they can decide how to go about repairing it.
He said his brother is coming to find the leak.. I asked how when they need to dig it up?! He said his brother has a special sound tool he can use to find the leak. I asked if Severn trent could do that he said no they dont have the equipment to do that.

I've just heard his brother come through the door and ask how Severn trent found the leak.. DP said they have a special sound tool to find it... fuckin liar

I am absolutely livid. Why is my other half such a god damn lying piece of shit?!

Wait wait.. I've just heard "oh, ok.. I'll get popping to ring them to try and fix it... you havent hot sound equipment like that to try and find it?"

I cant hear what his brother said but basically no, he doesnt.. and is confused why DP called him out when he doesnt even know where the leak is..

Its bordering on funny now because that was an absolutely pointless visit.

Noone has to reply to this. I just needed a massive moan.

Or if anyone knows how the hell we sort a water leak that would be great.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 31/08/2019 20:04

Read Pat Craven, Living with the Dominator and then throw him out. I am very sorry but you are at the start of an ugly road.

Take notes. Get your wits switched ON. Contact Women's Aid. And remember that when you start working hard to teach your spouse basic civility you are in an abusive relationship.

Snowfalling · 31/08/2019 20:07

His behaviour is quite concerning, he sounds immature at best and nasty at worst (ordering you to go in the takeaway shop, lying).

Has he got form for behaving like this? I bet you've only seen this side of him since you got pregnant.

Motoko · 31/08/2019 20:08

Yeah, it's not looking good, abuse usually starts when the woman gets pregnant, buys a house with, or marries her partner.

I'm not saying to LTB, but I do think you should read up on the signs, and don't dismiss or minimise anything on the grounds of being cranky.

Snowfalling · 31/08/2019 20:09

He's controlling. Why did he not want the food to be delivered?

Starlight2004 · 31/08/2019 20:10

Does he do this kind of thing often? Speak to you in that way? Blatantly lie to you? And go out of his way to stop you doing what you want to?

PositiveVibez · 31/08/2019 20:12

Why did you have to go the takeaway with him at all? Can't he drive?

It does sound like odd behaviour. Does he have form for telling lies?

Monkeymilkshake · 31/08/2019 20:21

The take away thing does sound odd. Why can't he go in by himself? Or have the food delivered? Regardless of you being pregnant and having an excuse not to want to go, it's a weird thing to ask!

Fairenuff · 31/08/2019 20:24

Why did you agree to go away for two weeks in twin beds if that's not what you wanted?

baldyfromstressy · 31/08/2019 20:28

He sounds manipulative.

Original poster

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/08/2019 20:38

My mum booked the holiday for 8 of us as a surprise, we drew the short straw being in separate beds when we got there.

I've not noticed him lying before. As much as he would disagree, he does rely on me to sort our anything that takes a bit of brain, he gets confused and is too proud(?) to ask for help when he doesnt understand something. I've had to sort out all insurances, housing and billing issues so far as he doesnt understand what they say when he calls them. But now were stuck in a rut as hes been trying to sort out our water leak but hasn't understood what theyve said on the phone, I think he feels abit silly for not asking for more clarification so hes getting abit defensive.

I feel like he isn't abusive, we are both quite stubborn I guess. I think he just gets a bit upset when he realises he could have done more to help the situation. But it's so frustrating that he is pretty incapable of managing a situation.

Relationship wise he is extremely caring, he will do anything for me and speaks highly of me to everyone. He never ours me down or makes me feel shit. He just makes me so bloody mad sometimes!

OP posts:

Original poster

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/08/2019 20:45

In regards to the take away.
I think he tries to get me to go with him because I suffer with anxiety. I had CBT which helped alot and I was able to start leaving the house normally. But I go through patches of wanting to hole myself up and not go anywhere. I think he tries to keep me getting out so I dont fall back into a routine of wanting to be inside.

He can act like such a child sometimes. But I look at some of my friends other halves sometimes and thank God uve got him and not them. So he cant be all that bad.. maybe it's the hormones

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/08/2019 20:47

OP why did he want you to go in the takeaway shop without a bra, when you didn't want to and offered two sensible suitable alternatives (waiting in car or calling for delivery)

He never makes you feel shit.....how did you feel when he was trying to make you go into the takeaway braless?

He will do anything for you.....other than walk from the car to the takeaway by himself?

Your original post reads like his entire objective was to piss you off

blankittyblank · 31/08/2019 20:51

This sounds a lot like my dad. We didn't realise how bad he was until my mum died, and then we realised he is completely incapable of doing anything on his own as he severely lacks confidence. So I expect when he was making you go in the shop, it's because he didn't want to deal with it on his own. My dad used to do similar things to me, and it was only I saw his real personality after mum not being around, I began to piece it all together.

I'm not defending this behaviour by the way.

My dad also lies a lot, and it all seems to come down to lack of confidence, and in his case, his complex about his intelligence (he's always felt stupid, even though he isn't). So he will lie if he knows he's in the wrong, because he can never admit he's wrong. He also cannot apologise ever.

I don't know if it's the same with your partner, but it all seems familiar.

What I would suggest as his partner is you must encourage him to do things without you, don't become his crutch. It will cripple him if anything happens to you, you will become resentful and he will become needier. It can also creates a pretty oppressive atmosphere in the home.

OhioOhioOhio · 31/08/2019 20:53

He likes making you unhappy because it makes him feel better about himself. I know this script. I lived it.

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2019 20:58

What happens when you refuse to do these ridiculous things? E.g. did he go into the take away on his own in the end or not? And I would tell him no, he will need to ring the water company as he is the one who's been confidently explaining what the leak situation is up till now.

Upanddownandroundagain · 31/08/2019 21:02

Your update does change things a little.... was he trying to do it for your own good? To stop you from going backwards? Only you know where he was or not. It doesn’t sound like he approached it in a very good way at all, but it does sound like you’re all tired. Is he always like this?

Original poster

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 31/08/2019 21:10

If he was trying to do the best thing for me then he definitely went about it the wrong way. I dont feel like going anywhere with him when he speaks like that.

OP posts:

Motoko · 31/08/2019 23:34

Relationship wise he is extremely caring, he will do anything for me and speaks highly of me to everyone. He never ours me down or makes me feel shit. He just makes me so bloody mad sometimes!

You're being contradictory. He won't do "anything" for you, otherwise he would have agreed with one of your suggestions regarding the takeaway. I would feel pretty shit if he tried to make me go into the takeaway when I'd given a perfectly reasonable explanation of why I didn't want to.

So, what happened, you've only given half the story. Did you go in the takeaway, or sit in the car?

Original poster

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 01/09/2019 08:18

We went, halfway there he suggested going to a flashpoint to get money out and just going home and ordering it.

So we went home and ordered it

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 01/09/2019 09:32

Living with your DP sounds exhausting, what on earth is he going to do when all your attention will be on your baby, sulk and whinge?

fedup21 · 01/09/2019 09:36

He won’t ‘do anything’ for you and he does make you feel like shit. Be careful.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/09/2019 09:41

Be careful, OP, that you don't become his 'second mummy'. If he hates making phone calls, filling in forms, dealing with people, and you've taken all this on for him, how annoying is it going to be when you're ALSO having to deal with a baby who needs you to do everything for him/her.

If you want to stay with him then you need to start NOW, making him make those phone calls, talk to those people, learn to ask questions if he doesn't understand. Don't let him put it all on you because you will be massively frustrated at his lack of adulting when you have a(nother) child to look after.

Suebnm · 01/09/2019 09:47

If your boyfriend is this childish now, you just see what happens when your baby is born. This doesn't sound like a one off.

Bigmango · 01/09/2019 09:57

I’m thinking some kind of learning disability? Like a language processing disorder? Has he ever been diagnosed with anything? What was school like for him? Wouldn’t make abusive behaviour acceptable of course.

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