WWYD - Advice re: contact for relative

[Tatty101]

My relative is looking for advice and tbh, I dont know where I sit on this - thoughts, experience, advice?! Long one sorry!

My relative was with her ex for around 4 years. She moved into his house after about 18 months. He had 3 daughters from 2 previous relationships. My relative encouraged him to spend time with his kids both 1 on 1 and with her separately and made a real effort with his exes.

After 3 years, they decided to try for a baby of their own. My relative had some fertility problems in the past (she had no kids of her own) and didnt expect it to happen but was hopeful. She got pregnant after a few months of trying and was over the moon.

Her partner changed immediately almost overnight. The house they were in was too small even when they had just 2 of the existing kids visiting and when my relative found out she was having a boy, she suggested renting a bigger house for them all (my relative, partner, his 3 kids (during the weekend) and their new baby). He refused because 'if she left him, he'd have no house to live in'. My relative was quite rightly angry about this and even moved out for a while when pregnant. Her partner's Mum eventually got involved and told him he was being silly and he had to want this to work for it to actually work and they rented a bigger house (3 bed) from the local council. He also didnt show up for scans because he was working.

Needless to say, they broke up when the baby was one, partly due to him not spending anytime with the baby 1 on 1, not showing up to needles/showing any interest at all. His mother messaged my relative saying she didnt want to see the baby again because my relative had just used her son to 'get a bigger house' and the now ex was of the same thinking. (My relative works full time, earns enough to support herself and the baby and was paying the lions share of the rent even when she was on Maternity).

Initially, my relative was really open with her ex. Offered him furniture from the house, wanted him to see their DS as much as he wanted, even went as far as saying he could spend time with him in her house and she'd go out etc.

The child is now 5. He sees his Dad for 6 hours most weekends and one overnight stay every 3 weeks or so. The Ex is not involved in parenting - he has no idea what school he goes to (has never asked and refused to come to parents evenings because they were outside of his 6 allotted hours) pays next to nothing despite having two jobs and refuses to engage with my relative on parenting decisions. He says he's a good dad because he sees all his kids once a week and pays for all of them. He wont have his son outside his chosen 6 hours a week (even when my relative was in hospital for emergency surgery, when we had a death in the family or during holidays).

The son now cries every time it gets to time to go with his Dad. His Mum has so far been making him go "it'll be fun, your Dad loves you etc". The last three times he's gone, the ex has rang after an hour to say he's bringing him home because "son doesn't want to be there."

Now speaking to the son, he says it's boring at his Dads, that his Dad only wants to do stuff with the girls, that his grandparents (who he calls by name not Nan and Granddad) dont want him around. None of this has come from my relative - she's heartbroken and listening to him come out with this stuff is really distressing.

What advice would you give my relative?

I think there is far too much emphasis put on maintaining relationships with disinterested. Dads. I wouldn't pressure the child to go.

Thanks Gabriella, this is probably my gut reaction too but I dont want the son to grow up not remember these break downs and think his mum stopped him seeing his Dad?

I would advise to stop the child seeing the father, he can always take up a relationship with his dad when he's older

Sadly you can't make a man like this care. (And its not your job to make him) It must be awful for a child to be around.

Maybe he'll grow up one day - the dad.

You could suggest a less pressured form of contact - indirect contact, like facetime, or swapping pictures/photos. Reduce the regular contact but suggest special events, like day trips.
Indirect contact is a good compromise between reassuring the child that the resident parent is supportive of the relationship without putting them through the stress of feeling uncomfortable in the NR parents company.

OP this is really complex. I did a lot of research when my ex left me and the bottom line is children need to be able to know both their parents on a ‘warts and all’ basis without (this is crucial) the interference of the other parent. Essentially, if you slag off dad, interfere with contact and generally try to be difficult, you run the risk of dad becoming some kind of exotic, amazing ‘other’ that in the teenage years they gravitate towards because they don’t know who they really are. In the case of a difficult dad (which you are describing), this scenario results in formative teenage years with dad evening up the score with tales of how awful mum was....no one wins.

Your family member therefore needs to manage her ex’s behaviour as best she can. This is easy when you have an ex who regularly misses contact, for example, by not having children sitting in their coats waiting by the door for a dad who never comes. Rather, they are up, ready and doing and if dad turns up, coats on, out the door with a cheery ‘have fun’. Child still sees dad, they get no message from you that dad is ‘bad’ and as they get older, they begin to understand that dad sometimes lets them down and as such, start to vote with their feet. Their decision based on dad’s behaviour. Child is secure, at least one parent has put them first.

At 5, I would suggest he is too little to be making decisions about whether or not he sees his dad. On the other hand, he is clearly entering an environment where he is uncomfortable and ‘othered’ and is brought back as soon as he complains (very dangerous game the ex is playing with that). At 5, dad should be able to distract and make things easier for his son but he’s taking the easy option.

In all honesty, I would seek out a psychologist who specialises in these issues and seek their support and advice as to where to go next. Stopping contact altogether sounds reasonable, at least on the face of it, but that runs the risk of mum being the bad one as the boy grows. Equally, he can grow feeling mum never protected him from an environment where he wasn’t really welcomed if she insits on sending him off to contact.....very difficult. A neutral,person for the child to talk to and then some support for mum in managing the situation going forward would be helpful but I think it really needs professional input to do what is right by the child.

Thank you so much for the considered responses all!
This is exactly the issue, my relative has been very upbeat about his Dad (and ensured the grandparents etc are in the son's earshot too!) He has never been slagged off in the son's hearing. But my relative is now stuck between carrying on forcing her child to go (despite tears and clearly being very distressed) or allowing him to stay home when he wants.

I'm in two minds - on one hand, he's young and as a parent sometimes you have to force your child to do things that are in their best interest e.g. eating their greens etc. On the other, if his Dad isnt concerned about this at all (I'd be devastated if a kid of mine was like that with me!) is it worth putting the kid through something he clearly doesn't like/enjoy?

Of course we make kids do what's good for them sometimes but this isn't like eating greens. If there is no benefit to ds and his dad can't get him back fast enough, why insist?

It sounds traumatic.

If he was coming back saying he'd had a great time and telling you about the visit it would be different.