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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a winge?

15 replies

Twilmer · 30/08/2019 22:25

So my partner & I have a DD who has just turned 6 months. Since going on maternity from work I have continued to pay half the bills plus keep the house & gardens (minus a tiny lawn) up together while taking care of our beautiful daughter. Since she has been born my partner has changed 5 nappies, never bathed her, fed her bottles or food (she has been weaning since 5 months & I breastfeed with the occasional bottle). Got her ready to go out, got her to sleep or looked after her for more than an hour. I attend to her during the night if she wakes up which last night was every half hour 🙈, I am feeling a bit under appreciated and feel like my partner thinks I should be doing all that on my own as he goes to work and now is the bread winner. However up until this month I have paid my own way so why should I also be the main care giver. Don’t get me wrong I love doing it and I love my daughter but a shower/ bath for half an hour would be amazing, I just don’t feel like I can do that as my partner is not confident in looking after our DD. And when I ask him to have her I get told he has taken time of for golf. Am I being a winge for having a go at him for hardly doing anything or am I being to soft on him and should make him more involved? He loves her with all his heart but I feel like we are living back in the 70’s.

OP posts:
Soreo · 30/08/2019 22:29

I genuinely die a little bit inside every time I read one of these posts... they appear so frequently and I can't believe women have to ask.

YAN a "winge" OP. Your DP is a waster. That's about all I can manage to type without getting furious on your behalf Flowers

One tip: do NOT have any more children with this man.

Ponoka7 · 30/08/2019 22:42

When you go back to work, will you do as little as him in regards to your DD?

Of course you won't. Working doesn't get you out of being a Parent.

You come home and your young children are now your life and leisure time. That's just something you, or rather he, has to get his head around.

He can't justify you doing everything, especially while you are still paying half. He isn't doing his share.

Tiredtessy · 30/08/2019 22:45

Agree with soreo, do not have anymore kids, though my ex would be great and he wasng so left him after a year

justbeingadad · 30/08/2019 22:52

He loves her with all his heart

This may be true, but I can't imagine he loves you with all his heart. No person who loved their partner would allow them to undertake so much for THEIR child. Some men (and women) are scared of babies especially if they have never had babies around them before, but this is where being involved and interested is important. It doesn't sound like he's either.

One option is to simply tell him, no discussion, no choice, no option, that he is bathing her and putting her to bed tonight. See what happens. As a PP said, I'd not be having any more children with this partner!

Original poster
Twilmer · 30/08/2019 23:17

Thank you all for telling me exactly how it is. I think I knew the answer but sometimes you hope you’re overreacting. Think I’ll try the you have got to look after her option and go from there. Will let you know. X

OP posts:
letsjog · 30/08/2019 23:22

You are not being a winge!

I would also assume he takes time off for golf/any events/nights out without even consulting with you because you're the designated childcare?
What's the plan when you are back at work?

What happens if you are ill and unable to look after your little one?

dollydaydream114 · 31/08/2019 00:46

He loves her with all his heart

Not quite enough to actually care for her in any way, though, apparently.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2019 00:59

He loves her with all his heart

Love is an action, not just a feeling.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2019 01:04

Why have you put up with this bullshit? Something tells me he was never that great of a husband/adult to begin with. It's only after you had a baby that you fully admit how useless he is.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/08/2019 01:39

He loves her with all his heart

Look at what they do, not what they say.

motherbott · 31/08/2019 01:52

Ask him to do his fair share of caring for his child. And no it is not considered "helping" or "babysitting". He is equally responsible for her so he better put the brakes on the golf plans.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2019 01:53

Don’t ask him. Tell him.

ICJump · 31/08/2019 02:04

This is not to gloat but rather to show what men are actually capable of.
My partner is the bread winner.
This morning I slept it.
He had our older kids clean their room, had hung out and put washing on and tidied the kitchen.
After I got up he made me coffee, has folded washing, and as I have volunteering work to do has taken the boys out for some shopping and a play at the park. Later tonight I'm going out with a girlfriend so he'll be looking after the two boys and our 7 month old too.

So no I don't think you are having a winge I think your partner is being lazy and mean.

motherbott · 31/08/2019 03:19

@PurpleDaisies I agree - tell don't ask

OP my partner and I have a 6 week old daughter. He is the breadwinner also. He does as much as he can. Most mornings he brings me coffee in bed. On weekends I will wake him up and he will do nappy change and bring baby to me for her feed. He is in charge of bathing the baby. When he gets home from work he will feed the baby a bottle and mind her so I can take a shower. Before bed he will do all the laundry.

Most men I know with young children are very involved with child care and house work. It's a team effort.

Ceebs85 · 31/08/2019 03:53

Oh love Sad

You and your daughter need more than this and he's capable. Just leave him with her, don't give him the option. Book a hair cut, your nails doing, anything! You matter too

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