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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you think he is an alcoholic?

23 replies

namechange32 · 30/08/2019 19:01

I just don't know. I have been dating a man who is kind, sincere, and intelligent. He was a friend when I was in my 20s, and now (early 40s) we are dating and have been for around six months.

His family consists of his parents (both alcoholics), his brother (alcoholic) and sister (married to an alcoholic). When he visits them, he drinks all day and night, passing out unable to return a good night text or call.

He holds down a decent job (no day drinking there) and drinks most evenings, but not to excess generally.

I suppose you won't know really... just wondered whether this drinking madly for several days (starting 9am some mornings) could point to alcoholism, or beginnings of it, even if he doesn't do it all the time..?

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/08/2019 19:32

Think the phrase is 'functioning alcoholic '

minisoksmakehardwork · 30/08/2019 19:38

Functional alcoholic springs to mind. On the surface they hold down a good job etc, might not even appear drunk a lot of the time, but they still need a drink.

And the binge drinking does point to issues with alcohol. But if they've grown up with it, it might seem very normal to them.

WhyBirdStop · 30/08/2019 19:41

Problematic alcohol misuse is the term we would use at work. But essentially, yes.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/08/2019 19:43

Yes, he's an alcoholic.

How do you feel about it at this point? Could you ignore it when he's in that mode or is it something you're not ok with?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 30/08/2019 19:48

"Functional alcoholic springs to mind. On the surface they hold down a good job etc, might not even appear drunk a lot of the time, but they still need a drink. "

This. Absolutely. This also describes my ex. He also drank more than what I realised initially, hiding bottles everywhere etc. I don't want to worry you, but the problem could be worse than you realise.

My ex is dead now due to the alcohol. Your partner needs help.

AltheaVestr1t · 30/08/2019 19:48

Alcoholic isn’t a very accurate or helpful term as this implies a person who has a physiological dependency on alcohol and it doesn’t sound like he fits this bill. Most people with alcohol issues don’t, and this term is not used medically any more. But yes he certainly engages in disordered or problematic drinking.

Original poster
namechange32 · 30/08/2019 21:16

FudgeBrownie2019 I don't really know how I feel about it. I wouldn't want to make my life and that of my DC worse by being more heavily involved if he does have problems with alcohol.

I guess I will have to have a think about it all. He's the most well-suited partner I've had, probably ever. I just don't know if I can take the risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange32 · 30/08/2019 21:19

UserThenLotsOfNumbers sorry about your ex, that's awful.

My boyfriend was a good friend for a long time and I hate the thought of things getting worse for him. I suppose I can't really do anything??

OP posts:
Lind57 · 30/08/2019 21:22

You can do absolutely nothing and I'd suggest you walk away. It isn't your job to save him and his entire family will be telling him that what he is doing is quite normal. It's not a 'normality' you want your kids to witness.

Original poster
namechange32 · 30/08/2019 21:24

Thank you Lind57

OP posts:
Graphista · 30/08/2019 21:31

In my opinion he is. Personally I think all the wanky "we would call it..." Bollocks just gives alcoholics a way to deny what they're doing/suffering from even to the point of denying they have a problem at all.

As you're only dating you won't actually know the full extent of his drinking.

You have DC to consider, someone with addiction issues is NOT someone you should have anywhere near them!

Especially when his whole family is the same.

I speak as the child/grandchild/niece of alcoholics and the relative of several with other addictions.

Alcoholics & drug addicts are in my experience more likely to be violent too.

FoxFoxSierra · 30/08/2019 21:49

Graphista said a lot of what I wanted to say. If he's drinking every night he is likely to be using it as a reward and incentive for all the time he's not drinking during the day. Getting so pissed up at the weekend too and not showing any motivation to spend time doing anything other than getting wasted is very concerning too. You could try talking to him about it to see if he's willing to work on it but don't as he's surrounded by alcoholics he's unlikely to see the problem Sad

FoxFoxSierra · 30/08/2019 21:50

ignore the random don't in there - fat fingers!

Original poster
namechange32 · 30/08/2019 22:08

FoxFoxSierra he does do other things and has hobbies etc. He complained that when his brother visited (his family don't live nearby) all his brother wanted to do was go to pubs.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange32 · 30/08/2019 22:09

And thanks Graphista as well.

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 30/08/2019 22:31

It’s a drinking style that’s fairly common amongst my (mostly middle class, 40 something, ex party people/ravers, mostly media/tv/film - basically successful & getting away with it...for now & the last 30 years or so) - clearly not really ok but normalised, as presumably it is for him?

Very hard to know how to approach it. Is he aware it could be an issue for you? Does he have breaks from it (no drinking in the week/go to the gym etc). I’m often surprised by posters on here who are so far removed from that lifestyle & can’t easily comprehend how complex or ingrained it is, or how common and not always catastrophic, even fun for some who make it through unscathed, although the risk is always there of course.

Regardless of the potential health issues if it’s a problem for you and not for him it’ll only get worse in terms of the impact on your relationship. Maybe post this on one of the threads on here where people are overcoming alcohol issues (long running one - can’t remember the name), they will be able to advise from a position of experience & probably have some helpful advice..

Lind57 · 30/08/2019 22:51

Maybe the posters have been around when it became catastrophic, and don't want the OP to be around similar, because it's not something you'd wish on your worst enemy. There is no point in OP speaking to other alcoholics. It's not her job to understand why he drinks. Her main role is to protect her kids, and getting involved with a heavy drinker isn't the way to go, in my bitter experience.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 30/08/2019 23:03

Yes, he's an alcoholic. Walk away now while it's still relatively easy to do so.

sadandtired01 · 31/08/2019 01:41

Run like the wind. Seriously

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2019 01:50

Yes, he’s an alcoholic.

Don’t do it to yourself and certainly don’t drag your kids into that.

managedmis · 31/08/2019 02:09

So he and his family sit around getting pissed all day?

HouseworkAvoider10 · 31/08/2019 02:40

Yes he is.
Don't let him pull you and your kids down with him.

Alcoholism can be hereditary, by the way.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 31/08/2019 07:57

OP, in your shoes, this is what I would do.

I would sit him down and express your concerns about his drinking, esp in the context of his family. Ask him if he feels he has an issue with alcohol, and if he'd consider support such as going to alcoholics anonymous. Offer to go with him for the first session, if it helps.

No need to go all guns blazing, just be kind but firm. It is then down to him, but your chat could be the wake up call he needs. His reaction to your chat will tell you everything you need to know. Denial? Angry? ashamed? Ready to face the truth? The truth will out.

In my opinion, you cannot be in a relationship with him while he is having these issues, but can support as a friend. Bear in mind the onus is on him to seek help, and you are not to rescue him.

The problem is, to quote princes Diana, there are 3 people in your relationship.

You cannot be in a successful relationship with an alcoholic. You need to put yourself and your children first.

Also just to stress - you are his friend, not his rescuer, can't say that enough.

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