To ban my children's consoles and tv until they move off their bums??

[ginandwineneeded]

Probs should be in parenting but looking for replies. My two boys aged 11 and 13 refuse to do anything apart from play on their hand held consoles or watch you tube. Youngest has missed his sport again tonight as he refuses to leave the house and says he doesn't want to do it anymore. Eldest does nothing apart from school and then games the rest of the night. If I take away or turn wi fi off they swear at me, tell me to F off, call me a shit mother and sometimes physically attack me. I am a lone parent but I do have a partner who they seem to listen to sometimes. Have had a row with ex h who seems to think that it's all my fault and I don't encourage them enough because I'm not sporty myself but I can't do anymore. They have no respect for me, even food packaging is dropped to their bedroom floor and dirty clothes chucked anywhere for the slave to sort out. They refuse to go out anywhere with me even to the point that we literally have no school uniform minus shirts and polos as the stuff I ordered doesn't fit them and I need them to physically come with me. DD 5 has ASD and is a challenge anyway but she's starting to copy her brother bad attitudes. Luckily her dad is great and helps out often unlike DS's dad who sees them twice a fortnight. I'm on my own with all three all weekend and just don't know what to do anymore. I love them all but wish I'd chosen my life differently. What can I do to make this better?

The screen time is the big thing. It has such a negative effect on their behaviour that everything else will get easier if you can combat that. I don't know another way other than to go cold turkey. Make wifi a reward for other stuff and set a strict limit on it. It will be awful at the start, but it will quite quickly get easier.

Right well you need to do a total reset. They’ve (you’ve) lost their way in how to behave properly and respectfully.

Remove all phones, consoles and screens. (They will tantrum, ignore, stand firm)
Allow no food to be taken outside the kitchen. They must ask permission to have any snacks and eat it in the kitchen and dispose of their rubbish in the bin. If they sneak food to their rooms you just stop buying it. If it’s not there, they can’t sneak it.
Any laundry that isn’t in the laundry basket doesn’t get done. Instead you deposit it into the bed of the person who owns it. Every single time. Do not wash a single item of clothing for them that isn’t in the basket. Even if they need it this evening for something important. They can wear it dirty or wash it themselves. They will learn this lesson the hard way.

They can earn their screen time (not unlimited screen time- 30 minute slots and all devices handed over an hour before bedtime) by completing the following chores daily.

1. opening their curtains and window and throwing back their duvets to air their beds
2. clearing all rubbish and laundry from their bedroom floors
3. one emptying The dishwasher and the filling it after dinner (or one washing and one drying if no dishwasher)
4. showing you all their completed homework for the day and their homework diary to check against
5. sitting respectfully at the table for breakfast and dinner
6. taking an interest in your day/their sisters day/ each other’s day.

Any violence results in losing a device for one week.

All existing commitments like sports activity are non negotiable unless ill. (Properly ill, not just can’t- be-bothered-itis)

Do you have anything locally like scouts/army cadets/football club/youth centre etc that they could get involved with?

fwiw I got rid of the console permanently from my house and it has changed the dynamic entirely. My children are pleasant to be around again.

Sit them down, with your partner present (but you taking the lead) and tell them that things are now changing. Tell them the new system. They will react. Remain calm. Always remain calm. It will be stressful, but deal with your stress away from them, your partner will support you. In front of them you are calm and consistent. You are in charge, you know what you’re doing. They do it or no privileges.

I'm a bit of a tight arse when it comes to buying expensive technology for ungrateful children as it is, so I might be a bit biased, but there is absolutely no way I would allow children that treated me that way to have games consoles (each!!), and they would be made to know it. So no, I don't think you would be unreasonable.

I think the advice you got from @Joxer is very good.

Thanks all - some really good advice. DS1 has some learning difficulties, EP thinks possibly ASD too but dad refuses to acknowledge anything, even when DS1 was in hospital with appendicitis he told me I'd made it up and convinced the doctors to operate and that I had munchausens. Partner is great but has no kids and is older and I don't like to involve him too much as to be honest it took us s long time to get going anyway. Ex has been on the phone playing the blame game and I'm always getting it in the neck. It's my fault, I'm the one who has the kids, I'm on benefits blah blah blah Says he'll have them and still work full time. He lives 45 minutes away too. Reduced DS2 to tears on the phone as he point blank refuses to do sport anymore. However I can see ex's POV as they need to do something! Just feel lower than low. Went for my first job interview in eight years last month and completely failed it. Just went blank. Feel like I can't do anything right in anyone's eyes tbh. Even my partner has said before I have no ambition, despite completing my degree to a 2:1 last year. No one realise how difficult it is to be entirely responsible for two boys with literally no help.

Stand firm, stick to your guns and I agree with what others are saying, my teenage son knows if not in laundry basket doesn't get washed, and tell them to have consoles etc time has to be earned a bit at a time

You can do this. You really can.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart gives fantastic advice. Follow it to the letter. No wavering. They need to learn and you (kindly) need to find your self respect. If they have to sit in their rooms bored because they haven't earned any privileges then so be it. They'll learn super quickly.

The other thing I've found works are schedules. Say they're allowed 30mins or 60mins a day on the console (you decide) at a particular time and after that, that's it. Stay firm.

Had a chat - 13 year old says he now wants to kill himself even though I've said they can have two hours a day on console. Told him to go live with his dad, the option is there, and they've said no as really they hate it there. I literally feeling like running away, my life is completely out of control. I can just see this getting worse. I will follow the advice given and I know it's not going to be an overnight fix but it just feels like it's never going to get better.

The easiest way to do this is to get the consoles out of the house. If you have a neighbour who could have them that would be good. Reason for this is that you won't be tempted to return them for an easy life when you tell them about the new rules and they react.

Oh, sweetheart, that's so tough. It will get better, honestly. You don't have to fix everything all at once. Focus on one thing, the screen time, and the next thing will be easier. And do not blame yourself. You've made the best decisions you could at the time, and now you are making the next decisions.

Yanbu.
I lock the consoles in the car and have taken the tv in the past. It creates huge meltdowns but it's ok after a couple of hours.

Mine aren't allowed to keep their consoles in their rooms either.

No one realise how difficult it is to be entirely responsible for two boys with literally no help.

I know I’m no use to you IRL but i just want to tell you I do. I have two boys, entirely on my own, no dad at all, no partner, youngest has SEN, had the violence for far too long, Social services, police, you name it. Unlike you I couldn’t even complete my degree because it was just all too much (fucking well done to you! That’s a proper achievement. You’ve a brain in your head and a work ethic to get you places) I felt like a piece of shit. I was a useless mother. Failing them both. It was hell. I know how you’re feeling. I also know that it will get better. With some grit and determination on your part, you will turn out a couple of fine young men that have you bursting with pride.

DS1 has some learning difficulties, EP thinks possibly ASD

Are you seeking an assessment? It can be really helpful for your DS as they can use a diagnosis to put proper support in place for him in school.

will follow the advice given and I know it's not going to be an overnight fix

No it really won’t. It will be small steps, every day and one day you will be getting ready for bed and you’ll realise no-one shouted at anyone today.

Not sure what is available in your area but Action for children were good with my DC. Also play therapy for the youngest (massive anger issues) social services paid for it. I was extremely lucky to get an amazing social worker. Do you have a local children’s centre? You could ask for support. Or even ask your GP if they can suggest any services.

It sounds so so tough op, especially dealing with it alone. Maybe try calling "young minds" parent's helpline it's 02070895050. They gave me good advice about my 12 year Old's screen time. Good luck.