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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my nearly 7yo daughter that her dad took drugs and has been in prison

4 replies

Lorayn · 07/08/2007 14:13

DD has been asking lots of questions lately about why me and her dad split up, why he never bothers to see her when she goes to her nans, why she isnt allowed to sleep at his house, why we dont live near him anymore etc.
She is quite clued up for her age, and I felt she would be intelligent enough to understand certain things,she asked me herself without anything being overheard from us(maybe his family, I dont know, but not us) if he was an alcoholic as he is always in the pub, she has also told me she remembered him smashing our front door and hitting me once. Anyway, i hate the thought of lying to her, and was worried she might ask him/his family these questions and be told I am stopping her from having too much to do with him because I am selfish or something along those lines, she had also heard from somewhere he had been in prison. I explained to her that he had been in prison for hurting someone and that he sometimes took drugs, which was part of the reason we moved away, she also remembers the police kicking my door in at 6am, which i have now told her they were looking for her dad, and that I was worried about him teaching her and her brother bad things as I love them so much and am so proud of them that I want them to have all the best possibilities available to them. I'm not sure if I should have told her though, she seemed to understand and made very grown up responses. Has anyone else had experience of maybe being cruel, and telling children about the reality of the situation??

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 07/08/2007 14:17

I think you are absolutely right to tell her the truth if she asks. There is nothing worse than hearing half truths through other people. This is kind of what happened to me as a child and my mum tried to protect me, but it came across as everyone else knowing the truth about my father except me.

If she brings it up again stick to the absolute truth and try not to be judgemental, let her draw her own conclusions.

It sounds like you handled it really well

tearsndtantrums · 07/08/2007 14:32

my friends dd is the same age as yours and her mum has told her the truth about her real dad who always lets her down. she didnt do it out of spite but since the reason that hes not always around is because hes doing stints in preison she felt she had to be honest.

her dd made her own choice about visiting him in prison so my friend took her and we think its helped.

theres only so many lies you can tell a child and when they are older they may be resentful about not knowing the truth. yanbu at all.

anorak · 07/08/2007 14:46

I agree with the others, it sounds like you handled it just right. It would have been an insult to lie to her when she remembers so much, and anyway why should you lie to protect someone who did these bad things?

You didn't have a field day slagging him off. It's a different matter altogether.

Lorayn · 08/08/2007 11:09

Thanks, she seems to have totally taken it in her stride and hasn't mentioned it since, hopefully it was the right thing to do.

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