Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask SIL to speak to my father or she’s not coming to my wedding..

26 replies

Wooweewoo · 30/08/2019 12:44

A few months ago my father and SIL had a bit of a heated argument. SIL always talks down about my brother (in front of him) and my father had enough and told her he’s fed up of it and the way she speaks about him. My brother is such a gentle person who gets walked over so easily, unfortunately he seems to go for women who take advantage of this.

Since the argument, they haven’t seen each other and she will refuse to go to my parents house to collect her child even when my parents babysit their daughter 1 day per week

My wedding is coming up soon and it’s very small, less than 20 people. Would IBU to tell her if she can’t make an effort then don’t bother coming? I’m worried my brother will decide not to go if she doesn’t and I would be absolutely gutted

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2019 12:46

I think you should ask them both to be civil on the day and that's all you can expect

mbosnz · 30/08/2019 12:49

I think if you start flinging ultimatums around you may end up sans brother plus SIL at your wedding, things no better, and quite possibly worse between your SIL and rest of the family, your brother further isolated from his family, and your wedding rather horribly overshadowed by the whole thing.

Would it be possible to talk to SIL, pointing out how small the wedding is, how much it would mean to you and how much you would appreciate it if she could perhaps see her way to attempting to mend bridges with your Dad, and saying if nothing else, on my wedding day, could everyone (and that means your Dad too) pretend for just one day to be happy families.

thecatinthetwat · 30/08/2019 12:49

Would IBU to tell her if she can’t make an effort then don’t bother coming?

Yes, that would be unreasonable. Don’t get in the middle of their dispute.

CalmdownJanet · 30/08/2019 12:52

Yanbu but I wouldn't put it quite like that more like"
"Sil I'm really anxious about the atmosphere at the wedding, I want everything to go smoothly, I was hoping you might try make things up with Dad for me?"

Sil : "Sure no problem I understand and I'll try" then happy days

Sil : "No it's up to him" yada yada, then I'd say "Well i'm not getting involved with the dispute but I do know I'm not having two feuding people in a group of 20 and my Dad will definitely be there, which is why I am asking you as I'd love you there but if someone can't come then it won't be Dad"

MaximusHeadroom · 30/08/2019 12:52

If you give her an ultimatum and not him you are making a very clear statement which could have repercussions for years.

Speak to your mum and your brother and ask them to make sure there are no issues at the wedding and then focus on your day x

elvis86 · 30/08/2019 12:54

This sounds very difficult and it's unfortunate that it's happened around the time of your wedding.

I don't think giving SIL an ultimatum will lead to the result you're after - more likely she won't come and neither will your brother, if he's as much of a doormat as you suggest.

For your own peace of mind, you can try and have conversations with SIL and with your dad to try and gain some confidence that they'll both be civil or at least avoid each other on the day?

GiveMeHope103 · 30/08/2019 12:55

If she puts your brother down in front of his family, doesnt want to even bother with you all after being confronted then its highly likely she doesnt give a hoot about coming to your wedding. And then your brother wont come. Best you can do is ask your father to completely ignore her on the day.

Rezie · 30/08/2019 12:58

If you leave it be, do you think something might happen at the wedding or are you worried about atmosphere? Are they the type of people that would kick off in an event like this?
If they will.be frosty with each their then I'd leave it be. Could be that sil won't come anyway since dad is there.

Witchinaditch · 30/08/2019 13:20

It sounds like she will prevent your bro from coming, id just keep them apart and if they don’t talk is that a big deal? As long as they don’t argue

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/08/2019 13:30

@CalmdownJanet - The problem with this comment as I see it, is that its not a question about the Dad or the SIL not coming to the wedding , but potentially the Dad or the Brother/SILand their DC.

I have to agree with others, you shouldn't get involved in this dispute (although you have obviously seemed to have made up your mind that SIL is at fault). I suggest you tell them both the same thing ( Dad and SIL)- That your wedding is coming up and you want them both to have resolved this before that or it will spoil your day. Then leave them to it. No ultimatums and no bias. You may want to check though.

Troels · 30/08/2019 13:38

Don't get involved, but make sure others know and watch out for trouble. If she needs telling anything, it's that it's your wedding and not about her. She needs to adult up and stop being so rude.

PerfectPenquins · 30/08/2019 15:05

I'd be trying to get your brother over more and see if you can build him up to get away from her. That's no way to live.

NoSauce · 30/08/2019 15:08

I think it would probably be best to say nothing and hopefully on the day she will be at least civil to him. If you start with ultimatums it cause all sorts of trouble.

Runningsmooth · 30/08/2019 15:16

You are not giving her a gift by letting her attend your wedding. If anybody said to me 'do X or you are not coming to my wedding' I would not go to the bother of going to the wedding even if I had been just about to do X anyway. It's a rude thing to say. She cannot go to your wedding once you have said it. Try telling her how you would like it if everybody could be on good terms for your wedding and ask if she would speak to your dad. Then if she doesn't you could always uninvite her if you want.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 30/08/2019 15:19

I think you should keep out of it. You don't really know the full story, your dad shouldn't have had a go at her in the first place - the right way to approach it would've been for him to speak to your brother about it and try to help him to address any issues. It wasn't your dad's place to get involved, and it's definitely not your place to get involved. Ask them both to put things aside and be civil for at least that day. You can't go chucking ultimatums around without consequences though.

BrittleJoys · 30/08/2019 15:26

You're assuming your SIL wants to go to your wedding, OP, when the obvious response from someone who is already angry with your family, and presumably doesn't want to spend time with them is to say 'Fine, I won't go.' And then your brother may not attend either.

I agree with others than the most you can ask is for them both to be civil and avoid one another on your wedding day. Asking for her to make up with your father (and not vice versa?) especially as it seems as if they were both at fault will only cause more Sturm und Drang, and make it clear whose side you're on.

KurriKurri · 30/08/2019 15:27

I don;tthink you should join i nt he dispute. In fact unless there is clear abuse going on then I don;t think your Dad should have interfered in your DB's marriage. People have all sorts of dynamics going on in their marriage, it's up to your Bro to say something if he isn't happy not your Dad. And I thin it will be a bad move if you appear to be taking sides, whatever you feel - let them know you don't want to hear about it and they can keep their spats to themselves.

I would say to both of them that your wedding day is to be a day of celebration, you don't want arguments or a bad atmosphere, so you expect them both be civil to each other on the day. It is perfectly possible for people who don't get on to make an effort to be civil on a special day they just need to keep out of each others way or answer politely if they speak.

thecatsthecats · 30/08/2019 15:30

Your wedding is not a vehicle for solving family relationships.

Your dad chose to start an argument with someone - whether or not you agree with him, the consequences of that are on him. He took the first step by interfering in the relationship between two other people (he could have addressed his concerns directly with your brother another way). Now you want to micromanage her behaviour as well. How exactly do you expect her to take that?

You are not giving her a gift by letting her attend your wedding.

This too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2019 15:31

My very recent exH and I were bridesmaid and best man at a wedding. The bride and groom called us both and basically said, "you're going to behave like grown ups, right?" And of course we did.

An ultimatum would not have gone down well.

NoLeopard · 30/08/2019 15:42

Blimey, if you said if you can't make the effort don't bother coming then of course she's not going to 'make the effort' . You would just be stirring it up further. Your dad was the one that caused the strife no matter how right you think he was. If your db is quite happy to put up with his wife then the rest of the family need to respect that. If he was busting a gut to say something then he needed to say it to his son in private.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 30/08/2019 15:54

Yes, that would be unreasonable. Don’t get in the middle of their dispute

^agree. We had feuding relatives at our wedding. They behaved politely and were civil to each other. Only a complete tw*t would carrying something like that over into someone’s wedding to ruin their day.

elessar · 30/08/2019 16:25

Where's your brother in all of this?

Is he happy with his wife? What does he think of your dad's criticism of her?

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/08/2019 17:20

Since the argument, they haven’t seen each other and she will refuse to go to my parents house to collect her child even when my parents babysit their daughter 1 day per week
It's between them to sort out IF it causes them issues in attending your wedding.

Your brother CHOOSES women 'like this' - ask him why he takes a back seat whilst drama plays out in front of him?

Louiselouie0890 · 30/08/2019 17:25

I'd tell you where to ho if you have me an ultimatum. I would honestly wonder who you think you are.

TiredOldTable · 30/08/2019 17:28

You sound quite challenging, do you get that from your father?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread