Don't want to do Christmas at MIL

[Deathlyhallows28]

So we've never been to my MIL for Christmas. I was thinking it would be nice to let her see DD open her Christmas presents there. Stay for a few hours and go (DD is awaiting testing for autism and ADHD so gets bored very easy and likes her own things and company.) (MIL doesn't quite understand DD and her changes of mood.)

Everything seemed great at the beginning of the year. But the last few months she's always moaning about her 4 children and me more than normal.
Stating we never help don't visit her enough and such. Other children don't visit at all.
I see my MIL more than I see my own parents. We're round normally once a week or at very least fortnightly. Partner wrestled near his moms so me and DD go round then. But apparently that's not good enough. (Petrol costs affect it too)
I went to pick DH up the other day from his moms after he injured himself at wrestling he needed to go to A&E. He let me in and I went to find MIL to show her a picture of DD from a day out which we invited her to come along too she didn't want to go.
She said that's nice then went straight onto moaning about us all. I went and sat in the living room within 5-10 minutes DH was fed up of the moaning and said we were going.
From this it only got worse.
Since we left there has been little communication.
I feel as though MIL doesn't like me.
I really don't want to go and sit in a house where I feel so uncomfortable and just get an earful.
DH is on the fence as what to do, I know it's some time away yet, but I regret even offering to go round.
I'm the only one that drives.

Do you think she is in the early stages of dementia?

Can you bring up Christmas and try and hunt that DD May be better off staying at home this year?

Mil may have changed her mind about Xmas as well if she's moaning so much maybe that's her trying to give hints?

You may be able to gauge by her reaction to you bringing it up.

Would going out for a Xmas pub lunch be a better compromise? Neutral ground, no cooking or cleaning, could take away an element of stress. (Although I have no experience of ADHD so might be totally unwise for DD)

I talked to my dad about this and he said the same thing. About potential early dementia.

But I'm not quite sure to be honest I spoke to DH about the MIL. He then said she was caring for her mother and cousin. But have both since past away. So she no longer has her time occupied for caring for them.

We offer to do things for her, I offer to take her shopping and things around travel. Whereas DH will do all the "manly jobs".

DD has also said she doesn't want to go to the MIL house for Christmas which is only adding more fuel to the fire. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe look at why her other dc don't visit....

Can she not just come to your house for Christmas instead?

She sounds like my ex mil!
I never enjoyed Christmas round there, and the years we were “expected” (and it was very much a summons not an invitation!) I would be anxious from about now up until Christmas itself.
Not that that’s any help to you, but I just wanted to give you my sympathies. FWIW I think they suspect dementia now in the case of mine as well.

After years of having to entertain people i didnt want to be around at Christmas and watched my mum doing the same, DO NOT do it.

Have your own Christmas, with your own little family.

None of her children get on. Not one sibling is close to another. It's really weird in my opinion. But my family is like an Italian family (were British) we're close and go to parties. But will pop round to my Nans, where we all meet up and talk. So for me his side are abit weird, for not talking even if it's just between the siblings. They only ever seem to meet up at funerals. That's how I first met most of his family 

DH is the favourite child too, apparently MIL & DH use to be really close but as he's moved out he doesn't talk as much as he use to. He was previously engaged before we met but it ended. So has been moved out for some time.
I believe MIL blames me for him not talking as much. Yet I actually ask him if he's spoke to his mom, which sometimes he'll say no too.

His mom won't leave her house at Christmas. We've invited her to our for atleast two Christmases. She declined to come both times. But no longer want to offer because she declines every invite we offer her. But expects us to jump every time she wants us there.

Again Mil wouldn't entertain going out to eat as she gluten free. But obsessed to the point she'll move unopened food in the fridge. So it doesn't touch food I bring round. I.e sealed fridge raiders weren't allowed to touch her unopened food.
Also DD would struggle with the amount of people. She struggles at family party's.

I'm hoping to convince DH that we should just stay at home. Like I said DD doesn't want to go.

Thank you all for advice or even just being able to relate

Don't go for xmas. Your daughter doesn't want to go. You don't want to go. She will want you to stay and then moan when you want to go. If she doesn't come to yours that's her own fault. If it kicks off , you will hate her even more and it's not fair on your daughter. Let your daughter enjoy being relaxed at home, it's the kids at xmas not pandering to the wims of mil. You will have enough to do never mind driving to hers. You see her more than your own parents. You see her too much then. You don't have to feel obliged to do jobs for her either!!! She will have other family members. If you fall out , you will just be annoyed with yourself and her for doing everything for.her. If you really feel she doesn't really like you then back off. See what her reaction is then . Remember she is not your mum...

We have a similar situation with my MIL. MIL blames me for DH not spending enough time there but he see her every week and she phones him every day.

I stopped going and inviting her here because of all the snide remarks/digs. DH can arrange it if he wants her to come here but he never invites her, he goes to see her with the kids if they want to.

We also had the 'But Christmas is always here'. Yet she didn't want a tree because they are too much bother, no Christmas music, children were too noisey opening presents, wrapping paper was mess for her to clean up. It was a giant moan fest. Her DD has not seen her at Christmas for the last five years as she found it too stressful.

Three years ago I said no more, Christmas would be at our house. MIL said - no she wouldn't come. DH wrote a card asking her to come - the kids want to open their presents under the tree, we want Christmas music and we don't care about up wrapping paper on the floor for an hour. He said it would be a shame if she missed it. She refused up until the day before Christmas eve, then rang DH and said she had 'no choice'. DH told her she did have a choice. Anyway, DH collected and took her back on the day as she didn't feel comfortable staying over. She refused to eat my food only eating the the smoked salmon she had brought and chocolate/snack food. I refused to let it get to me and the kids were too young to notice the Sulker at the table. Three years on she comes here, she now makes a couple of traditional dishes and she only eats those, along with her smoked salmon but its up to her - last year she even complimented me on the tree!

Invite her to yours, get your DH to write it down so she can mull it over and over analyse it. Say it would be a shame for DD not see her grandmother at Christmas. AND DON'T CAVE IN. It's your family Christmas too - don't be held to ransom.

Good advice from @KC225

At least if you go to her place you can leave when you’ve had enough. That’s not an option if she comes to you.