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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The unfriendly thirties

71 replies

absopugginglutely · 29/08/2019 22:18

Is it me or does life just get really stark and unfriendly when you are in your thirties?
Harder to make friends, loads of responsibilities, work place unfriendliness, school playground with your kids is weird, everyone of your age is busy and stressed which makes them quite self-absorbed. Even family visits just feel like we’re doing the thing you’re meant to tick off. Where’s the joy!?

I’m just feeling like life is a slog which would be okay if I felt a sense of ‘we’re in this together’ from others but I don’t feel this at all, I just feel like life’s become less of an adventure and more of a suck it up buttercup experience.

I have a lovely garden and a fire pit etc. In my twenties I’d have invited people round for a little gathering now by the time I get my toddler in bed and wash up the dishes/ tidy up I’m good for nothing and so it continues.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2019 06:25

I think any life stage where you don't have a good "tribe" of people is going to be a bit shit. In general I think we do often spread ourselves too thin, it is seen is normal when it's really a bloody miserable way to live.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/08/2019 06:25

No kids here, so thirties and forties have been fine. Worried about fifties though. Parents starting to get older, some health problems also starting to arise my side, and friends not only dealing with their ageing parents too, but also their kids. Sniper’s Alley I’m calling it.

ooooohbetty · 30/08/2019 06:25

My thirties were busy but good. I became a single mother, moved out of a massive house into a flat with my children. Massive reduction in money. Changed jobs, children growing up and i moved somewhere where they could play out in the street. I had a great social life with friends I met at school and in my 20's. still friends with them now. I was much happier as a single parent. Was still thin. Loved my thirties.

RelaisBlu · 30/08/2019 06:39

30s was my favourite bit! I had a rough time in my 40s with illness then it picked up again in my 50s. Life goes through phases - good bits end but bad bits end too

CielBleuEtNuages · 30/08/2019 06:46

My thirties are a slog. 2 DC (1 with health problems and seems allergic to sleep), struggling to keep a career, struggling with DC and school (huge amount of homework for the 7 year old, 5 year old who hates going and cries every day).

DH and I only had a few friends at the end of our 20s, in our 30s its just gotten worse as more move away for work or become tied up in their own lives.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/08/2019 06:49

You're talking about 'having small children' not 'being in your 30s'.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 30/08/2019 06:49

Surely it's cases by case?

I had mh problems in my 20s and they were shit, no friends etc.

Most women I know develoo way more confidence after 30 which is the case for me. I feel great at 37 and way more attractive than I was when I was younger too!

user1493413286 · 30/08/2019 06:50

I do know what you mean; I think it’s the early years with kids that do it as you’re so exhausted from trying to balance work and kids and all the other responsibilities that once everything is done I just want a bit of time to myself and not necessarily to socialise.
My close friends are at the same stage as me and talking about it does help as it makes me feel less alone.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 30/08/2019 06:50

Late 20's and 30's were a mixed blessing for me, so I totally get that. Now I'm having a fab time in my 40's lots of freedom, more money, lots of travel, out with friends a lot, been my best decade by far. Hang in there, you're just doing your 'time'.

DitheringBlidiot · 30/08/2019 06:52

As I get older I get more confident and happy. I don't have children though, and I've just got to a point where I can afford holidays and trips away without scrimping and saving for a year beforehand. I'm 30 and whilst I am acutely aware of my biological clock ticking away I'm happier now than I've ever been. My late teens and 20s were pretty awful

Bibijayne · 30/08/2019 06:52

I'm 35 and never had more social opportunities/ friends. Not sure how that's worked out. I guess it's luck of the draw!

Monty27 · 30/08/2019 06:53

The more effort you put in while in your 30s is good for the future.
Not every road is hard. Parts get easier. A part of growing up I guess.
Good luck on your journey

ElleDriver · 30/08/2019 06:57

I'm midway through my thirties. I care less what people think of me now than I did when I was in my twenties. I don't go out partying as much because I can't handle my drink quite so well now and well it's just a bit tragic to see a thirty five year old smashed out of her face on the dance floor lol.

A few of my friendships have fallen by the wayside as I've grown older and drifted apart from people. I think it's all part of growing up.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/08/2019 06:57

I actually made a lot of new friends with babies when I had DD. It's been awesome but I do worry how the drudge of combining work and them starting school and doing extra curricular stuff will affect things.

I had a really shit period in my 20s after uni. I was living at home away from my uni friends, working and seeing them some weekends. I really tried to build a social life in my home town but nothing worked, I joined groups and stuff but never found me people. Used to feel sick with jealousy after returning home from seeing friends hanging out with their mates on weekends.

EmrysAtticus · 30/08/2019 06:58

I am only 30 so at the start of my 30s but so far am loving it. I no longer care what others think so much and just do as I fancy. However I was never a clubbing, massively sociable person so quiet evenings in suit me perfectly. I only have a couple of friends now but they are the good ones.

Probably helps that I got the baby and toddler bit done in my 20s and teenage years will hit when I'm 40 so my 30s are the glorious bit of childhood :)

yesteaandawineplease · 30/08/2019 06:59

hi op! I'm in it with you! you be described my feelings perfectly and have said things I hadnt articulated ro myself.

I have 3 dc and the youngest is 18 months. it's slowly getting easier. my dh knows I struggle sometimes and is good about letting me get away for some me time. it definately helps. I've actually booked my little ones into nursery for an extra day each week in September to help. is there anything you can do similar? a couple of hours a week would make all the difference. not in the evening so you're not tired.

Blazingatrail · 30/08/2019 07:10

Wait to you hit forties op! Thats all I am saying.

Parents ill and dying, teenagers (say no more), declining fitness and health in both you and dh, and the juggling and pressure seems to mount By then you will have given up all hope of having much of a social life much less one that is meaningful.
On the upside you have by then realised you can't have it all, do it all and so a quick nap in the garden isn't going to kill anyone, and means you can do the midnight party run for your 16 year old without falling asleep at the wheel!

bevelino · 30/08/2019 07:10

Lovely young ladies in your thirties, please live life to the full and enjoy your youthful looks while you can.

Don’t start worrying until your 40-50.

Chitarra · 30/08/2019 07:20

OP, one thing that happens with small children is that your social life shifts from evening to daytime. So instead of inviting friends round to enjoy your garden one evening, invite them for a weekend afternoon, or during the day on one of your non working days.

itsgoodtobehome · 30/08/2019 07:22

My 30s were fab. I was young, free and single. Had a well paid job, loads of friends and a great social life. I met My DH aged 37 and got married at 39, so the decade ended well too. I don’t understand why people make big life choices and then moan about it. I got married and had kids when I was good and ready and financially stable, so my 40s have been great too! Life is what you make it.

MyOtherProfile · 30/08/2019 07:23

It doesn't have to be like that. Having small children opened so many doors socially for me. I read so many people on here say they don't have a social life at this point. I found the opposite but you have to change expectations. You have a nice garden so invite another family round to have a drink and a play. Invite people after school next week to come sit in the garden. Look for opportunities to invite your DC friends and their parent for a cuppa and a play date.

Deathraystare · 30/08/2019 07:25

To be honest I cannot remember my thirties or forties much at all. I wish I could blame that on wild living but nope just rather forgetful I think!

StumpyinSomerset · 30/08/2019 07:29

And the fifties are really, really, really totally shit

Being in my fifties is the best part of my life so far,my kids are grown up,I'm happily single. I know who I am and I'm content.

BolloxtoGender · 30/08/2019 07:31

YANBU. I remember feeling exactly like that in my 30s. It was the grind of the everyday. Groundhog day, everyday the same. Repeat. Repeat. Feeling skint with no money, stressed and zero time. Life and house in chaos, and feeling stressed and exhausted all the time.

It does get better in your 40s OP, when the DCs are more independent. Trust me.

PollyPelargonium52 · 30/08/2019 07:32

In my thirties I enjoyed my work and also went to the gym. I didn't have a child until 41 so could please myself.

After 41 of course everything changed.

Now I am 55 and just don't feel so ambitious as before.

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