Not to go to DH family event

[purplesandles]

I need some perspective please. I fear that I may be being irrational.

I work FT and have a 13 month old DS who's currently teething and I am ZONKED. --

DH's great uncle has a family event on Saturday an hour away and DH is insisting that all three of us go. This was sprung on me yesterday, after my DM had offered to have DS overnight and we were going to relax. Now those plans have to be changed so that we can go to this event.

I don't want to go. I'm knackered. I'm having a stressful time and work and want to relax. I've said this to DH, who insists that it's rude not to go as it will 'upset his grandmother'. We don't get a lot of time together just the two of us and wanted to utilise the time that my DM had DS.

I don't like being forced to go to occasions that I don't want to go in fear of upsetting someone. I actually went to another DH family event last Saturday.

I have two days off a week, I think I'm allowed to choose what I do with them.

I also feel like I may be acting like a teenager and that I should suck it up and go to save the peace.

AIBU?

Given that this was 'sprung on you' when you already had plans, YANBU.

I would say to your dh that its also rude to cancel previously arranged arrangements with your mum to have her grandson overnight which she had been looking forward too and had been arranged way before his great uncles short notice gathering.

I would also say that if anything its incredibly rude to assume that people can and will drop all prior commitments and that the existing arrangements are staying and that if any of his family have a gathering that they want you to attend you suggest as much notice as possible is given as we have a life outside of your family.

If you are zonked then you should not have to go to in-law events every weekend. That sounds like my vision of hell. You can definitely be ‘ill’ for the day and if your DH wants to showcase the toddler it’s his call.

YANBU. It’s important to make time for yourself sometimes, I think most mums probably don’t do enough of this as we’re too busy trying to look after everyone else. So long as you aren’t flaking on lots of family occasions then it’s totally fine to skip some things.

If this event was that important, they should have given more than 2 days notice.

Only rude people give 2 days notice while expecting people to attend and getting upset if they don't.

Last week there was a thread where the DW wanted her DH to see her family three times a year and everyone piled on saying that she was unreasonable! You saw them last weekend, if DH really wants to go let him take the baby while you relax.

Given its only an hour away, can Mom still have DS after you come back from this event?

Or tell DH to take DS with him, then drop him at your Mom's then come home to you?

Let DH take DS so family still see him, you feign the shits. Use your mums offer next week. We all have to look after our mental health and get time to breathe. If I don't want to go to a family thing, I don't have to and same with DP.. I always think it's nice when family can see a family member without partner there sometimes.

YANBU

Don't go. Don't feel guilty.

I think you're totally reasonable, you're tired and want a break, tell him and reiterate that your mum has your DC for the purpose of you and dp having an evening together. As pps have said if he's determined to go, tell him to take DC and have a quiet evening in for yourself.

I have the biggest family ever (on both parents sides) and to my dp (who has a small family) it feels like we have regular family events, in reality it's between 6 and 12 gatherings a year, which is a lot less than when I was younger, with cousins birthdays, we'd be at a party most weekends 😂 (I'm one of 34 grandchildren on my dad's side)
The solution is that we have a trade off agreement, he comes to every other event, or more frequently if he likes. Weddings and Christmas are the only exception.

I would say I had plans. Some recovery time is plans, they don’t have to be with other people. Tell him if his grandma would be upset by someone having plans for 3 days from now she’s far too over sensitive and best you don’t get too close anyway. He can go of course :)

He made plans to relax with you he shouldnt change them.
It would be too short notice for alot of people so they should understand that.
Yanbu not even a little bit.

If it had been on the calendar for a while, I’d say YABU. But if you’ve only just been told about it and already had other plans YANBU to give it a miss.

Who was the one who gave the short notice - your DH or his great-uncle? Has your DH been sitting on this invitation for weeks or was it sprung upon him at the last minute?

If its on the Saturday, cant your mum have the baby friday night so you can rest and sleep then go to the party all 3 of you?

Yanbu.

How did this not come up when you saw his family last week?

My motto - never go to the PILs and parents that they expect you to be there. I work away a lot so sometimes i go, sometimes DP goes with DS. I give them notice but I sometimes just say no sorry without a reason. YaNBU.

YANBU. I would politely say that I had no intention of attending the family event as I was too fatigued from work, but he was welcome to attend (with or without child) should he choose to. If he gives you any grief, I would remind him that he agreed these plans without talking to you.

Partners who care more about their pre-children families (ie parents / brothers etc) than the mothers of their children need to be told they are unreasonable. Absolutely, as a partner, you do have some obligation to go to family events you may otherwise choose not to go to, but as your partner, they have a huge obligation to protect you and your wellbeing. If he can't handle dealing with his family that the mother of his child needs a break, I'd seriously consider his position in your life! He could take the child if that's the main issue.

The fact your DH hasn't simply said "oh yes of course, I'll take DC and you can relax" is very worrying.