Double standards in laws and step kids

[Myfeetarekillingme]

On Mumsnet it seems perfectly acceptable to dislike your in-laws. There’s stacks of posts berating in-laws, I get it, they’re annoying non biological family we have to put up with for the sake of our husband/wife.

Why though is the same logic not applied to adult step children? Why are step mums always the bad one even if the step child is a grown adult?

Because step mums are evil and always wrong according to mn.

I think you could use a lot of analogies here and someone may come along to give a better one than me, but here are my initial thoughts (can I please pre-empt by saying I don't always think stepmums are in wrong by the way, but some on here don't do themselves any favours. Until recently my DD had an amazing stepmum!)

1. Most people will be in a relationship as adults which makes in laws unavoidable to a certain extent (unless you want to be forever single) Step parents make the choice to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids

1. In an in law conflict situation, you usually have the PILs v their child and partner- the partner and PILs usually met as adults, therefore equals, and there doesn't need to be any allowances made for the feelings or prioritisation of children's feelings over an adult newbie (step parent)

1. Popular culture. I'm serious. We grow up being told that step parents are evil- I blame Disney! You can say that's simplistic, but it's no more simplistic than pop culture telling us we need to be slim/ wear make up etc.

Essentially that's a poor list, but I don't think you can really compare in laws to step parents. When step parenting is done right it can be utterly life changing for a child

Thanks for your response @kitk some valid points. In response I'd say that it's not actually an analogy, as what I'm saying is they're the same thing. In-laws are non-biological family you inherit with your husband, exactly the same as step children.

If I was talking about little children then I would agree that they are not the same, a child doesn't have the same reasoning power as an adult and their emotional response to a step parent will be different. But as adults, the step child is essentially the same as an in-law. But not on MN, as step mums we should bend over backwards to accommodate our adult step children's wishes, however extreme and anything other than complete door-matting won't be accepted on here.

Secondly, the point you make about a step mum making the choice to be in a relationship with a man with kids - on vice versa or even in homosexual relationships - would the same be said to an abused woman, "well you chose to be in a relationship with him, so you have to take what comes with it"? Of course not, that would be entirely wrong, so why should a step mum use her crystal ball and foresee the future and how hard it will be to look after someone else's children? I'm not comparing step motherhood with abuse (entirely) but I've often felt emotionally abused to an extent by their attitudes and exclusivity.

I wouldn't wish step parenting on any one, it's a thankless, horrible task. There are some exceptions of course. I'd really like MN to give us a break sometimes.

I think a lot of people think step kids can (even adult ones) can behave how they want because of all the "trauma" they have been through. They think the step mum should put up with it because they contributed to this "trauma" so tough shit essentially.

To me, its no different. And I don't doubt its very hard for children when they split up, but I don't think babying them and excusing their awful behaviour helps them in the long run.

I don't think a lot of people appreciate how hard it is to be involved with other peoples children. I certainly didn't until I experienced it. Its an absolute minefield and even with the best will in the world things will go wrong.

A lot of people are quick to say "well you knew what you were getting yourself into" but I think the truth is, most of us don't, and if we did we would have run for the hills.

The difference is the generation gap. The children's ages are irrelevant; you don't get to choose your parents but you can choose your spouse.

@lau888 but in laws aren’t your parents? They’re inherited with spouse just like step kids? Your argument doesn’t make sense.

And if you have an in law problem people are often told to walk away or that actually they have a partner problem.

In laws did the raising, step children were the dependants. It's a different relationship dynamic between them and thus you.

Not what you asked I know but how long were you together before you got married? Surely they didn’t turn into devils the minute you married their dad?

Unless you got married ridiculously quickly you willingly tied yourself into a situation you knew didn’t suit you. Your step kids had no such choice.

Not what you asked I know but how long were you together before you got married? Surely they didn’t turn into devils the minute you married their dad? Unless you got married ridiculously quickly you willingly tied yourself into a situation you knew didn’t suit you. Your step kids had no such choice.

And here we have the perfect example of MN prejudice against step-mothers. 🙄. The assumption that it must be all the SM’s fault. Didn’t take long did it?

Haha yes it didn’t take long for the step mum police to come out in force, I’m surprised I haven’t been asked if I was the OW yet? And no I wasn’t. They were devils from day one as their mother ensured they were poisoned towards me. We were together for four years before marrying, is that ok?

I married their father not them.
They are adults and perfectly able to look after themselves.

Even nice children can turn into dicks as adults!

Dss was a lovely 8yo when i met him. Hes almost 15 now and has a generally bad attitude. He behaves for us but i can see his mothers rude and entitled attitude coming out in him. If he carries on i dont think hell be a very pleasant adult unfortunately. Its a shame because he lived with us and we saw vast improvements and then moved back in with her and those improvement have disappeared.

@Myfeetarekillingme You acquire the in-laws if you choose to marry your spouse. Children don't choose to be born or who parents them. You're not under any obligation to marry anyone and can choose to never acquire in-laws. I feel my argument holds weight but that's just my opinion. x

I think it’s from a lot of “first wives” on MN who are hostile to new partners regardless of circumstances.

@lau888 every part of your argument applies to step children as well as in laws. You’re using two sides to prove your point, with in laws the side of the spouse, with step children the side of the child. Switch it around. My argument is about adult step children, not youngsters.