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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my sister to not cut-off her family just because she’s married?

20 replies

Chocolate35 · 29/08/2019 09:49

My sister and I grew up in a really close family. She was slightly closer to our dad and me more our mum but as a family we’ve always pulled together and got on well. I married and had kids before her which made her resentful and bitter, our relationship has never recovered but that’s a whole new thread. She remained close to our parents.
Over the last two years she’s met someone, married and had a child with him. Since then she’s slowly cut off my entire family. My parents look after her child twice a week because it’s the only way they get to see him. We’re no longer allowed to celebrate birthdays together and even when our parents have suffered life changing illnesses she’s only ever visited them once (they’ve both been in hospital for weeks at a time). She plays the victim and post BS about not being “part of the family”. She chooses it but then she gets all this sympathy because she pretends to be hard done by. She told my parents she’s a SMITH now, not a MICHAELS and she must behave accordingly. WTF?!?!? I’ve been married over ten years and am still as close as ever to my parents, as are my children. Since when is it a THING to cut off your family because you’re married? AIBU to expect her to have a relationship with us as well as her new family????

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/08/2019 09:56

You're not U to feel put out and hurt but you sound a little unkind about her in what you posted.

Maybe she has a different feeling of what family is. It's possible she had a very different childhood to you (despite living in the same home) and perhaps she is being an arse. Have you spoken to her about it in a neutral, non-judgemental way? Have to explained that you'd like a relationship with her? You can't change her behaviour or attitude, only your own, so you're going to have to find a way to let any resentment or anger go because it will eat you up if it festers.

My older sister doesn't see our Dad ever. No real reason; he's a lovely man, was a loving, kind, doting Dad and is a fabulous grandparent, she just sees her family as her, her DP and her DC. I'm not upset or hurt particularly (except for when our Dad was in hospital after huge surgery and she was nowhere to be found, because watching him try to contact her it was clear he was hurt by her lack of interest, I think that was the only real point I was furious at her over it) because it's not about me, it's only about her, and ultimately she's the one missing out on a great Dad.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/08/2019 09:58

The other thing is, could her new DH be controlling? For her to have such decisive views on what she is now and to have to "behave accordingly" is there a chance her DH could be drilling it into her that he is her family now and she doesn't need her parents or you?

It's a long shot, I know, but when someone meets a new person and their behaviour changes quickly I'd always look further to see who could be influencing their behaviour.

Babdoc · 29/08/2019 10:01

I’d be concerned that perhaps she has a controlling abusive husband who is deliberately isolating her from her family to increase her dependence on him and cut off her possible escape routes.
If it’s not that, then it’s really up to her whether she wants contact or not. She may see the family dynamics very differently to you, OP.
All you can do is be available, friendly, and keep communication channels open, in the event she has a change of heart with time.

LightDrizzle · 29/08/2019 10:02

What’s the birthday thing about? Lots of people I know usually spend their birthday with their spouse and any children. I’ll see my mum around that time, but rarely on the day.
You seem disproportionately cross. Do your parents feel slighted, or is it mainly you that is the most upset about it?

HandsReachingOut · 29/08/2019 10:16

I'm not sure if those are your DSIS's real surnames in the op but it may be very outing if they are. Your BIL may be very controlling or your DSIS may feel differently to you about her upbringing.

Ghostontoast · 29/08/2019 10:25

Your BIL may be looking over her shoulder to “advise” her what to post on Facebook or maybe posting under her name.

KUGA · 29/08/2019 10:35

I`d leave her to it.
Her loss not yours.
She may well be being controlled but she is an adult after all.
She may have not got over the fact that you had a child first which is pretty pathetic.
Enjoy your family life.

RainbowAlicorn · 29/08/2019 10:39

My first thought was abusive, controlling husband. Splitting the partner from family is textbook.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2019 10:43

YANBU to want but she doesn’t have to agree. It sounds like her behaviour changed long before she got married.

Chocolate35 · 29/08/2019 10:57

@FudgeBrownie2019 how do I sound unkind in what I posted? Genuinely interested. I have tried on a few occasions to speak to her and explain that the family miss her, that she’s part of us and her absence is felt, that we all adore her child and want him to be part of our lives. Her response is always the same, she doesn’t have time and her commitment must remain with her husbands family.
To an extent I’ve accepted her behaviour towards me but to see my parents cry their eyes out because she’s being so awful to them kills me. One parent nearly died last month, my husband and I pulled in every childcare favour we could so I could be by their side. My sister went to work as normal and sent a few messages. My parents are heartbroken. They’ve been the most supportive, loving parents anyone could ever want so to see them suddenly pushed aside is so so sad.
@LightDrizzle my family have always celebrated birthdays together, even if it’s for half an hour we’ve made time to see each other. It’s mainly for my parents I feel upset. They don’t deserve it. It is possible her DH is controlling, I wouldn’t know to be fair.

OP posts:
GotToGoMyOwnWay · 29/08/2019 11:00

My first thought is the same as others. A controlling husband I’m afraid.

Wherearemycrayons · 29/08/2019 11:02

Controlling husband, for definitely

Wherearemycrayons · 29/08/2019 11:02

Definite 🙄

Magenta82 · 29/08/2019 11:24

her commitment must remain with her husbands family

This sounds very odd, I would be really concerned that she is being controlled.

adreamofspring · 29/08/2019 11:35

To be honest it sounds like your sister has been unhappy with your family dynamic for some time. Having a family of her own has given her the security she needs to disconnect further. I’m not saying she’s right or wrong but if you truly love your sister and want to salvage the relationship then put your baggage about her ‘bitter’ and ‘resentful’ behaviour from 10 years ago to one side and tell her that you miss her and you want to listen to her. It’s really hard to do without getting triggered though. Siblings push each other’s buttons - no matter how old we get.

Idontwanttotalk · 29/08/2019 11:36

"Her response is always the same, she doesn’t have time and her commitment must remain with her husbands family."
What?
Has she married into a different culture? Why is she not concerned enough to be committed to her own family?

I'm with others on here and think that, unless she has always been selfish, then she may have married a controlling, abusive man.

Can you not meet up with her and explain how you miss her and all want to see her more. Even trying to set up a meeting with her should show you whether she is at liberty to do things she wants to do.

OP, you might want to ask MNHQ to change those surnames you've used (unless they are aliases) and use other names as they may be outing.

Chocolate35 · 29/08/2019 12:09

The names I’ve used are not even remotely similar to her names, purely used those as an example.
If it is a case of a controlling husband how do we help her? And how can I stop her being abusive to my parents? My mum has asked her a few times if she’s happy in her marriage and she said she is, though we all remain unconvinced. She seems besotted with him so quite possible she’s being controlled. It’s so sad, we’re not getting to see my nephew grow up and my parents health is actually suffering.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 29/08/2019 15:13

You can’t save her. You can’t change her you can’t anything her.
The only thing you can do is be there. Waiting

Chocolate35 · 30/08/2019 00:09

@Watchingthyme that sucks ☹️

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/08/2019 00:28

There are only two possible explanations. One is that she doesn't view your family dynamic the same way you do; that or there's something in the past that you don't know about. Alternatively, she's married a controlling husband.

It's impossible to tell for sure, but two things stand out, the first being that she was seemingly close to her parents until her marriage. It's therefore odd that she should take a victim stance that she's not part of the family, having knowingly distanced herself from them. This could be a hint at option 1. The second is that controlling partners typically isolate their spouses from their own friends and family. Your Dsis has consistently given the same explanation when asked: 'her commitment must remain with her husband's family'. This directly contradicts her 'not part of the family' protestations, so on that basis I'd agree with PP that the second scenario looks like the likely option.

Sadly, if this is the case there's nothing you can do. My grandparents faced the same pain over my mother's marriage to my control freak of a father. I currently have to watch a sibling on a self-destruct mission, knowing there is precisely nothing I can do to help other than show I'm always there and offer my unconditional love. So I do understand fully the frustration you must be feeling. You're right. It does suck Flowers Flowers

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