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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ban evening guests?

23 replies

CluelessNewMama · 29/08/2019 07:42

DD is 9 weeks old and we have managed to get into a fairly good sleep routine with her sleeping through for 7-8 hours most nights. She doesn’t generally go to sleep properly until I go up to bed at about 9:30-10:00 but after a bath at about 7pm she spends most of the evening feeding and snoozing on the feeding pillow while we chat/watch TV. I’ve noticed that whenever we have visitors round in the evening (who inevitably want to hold/play with her) or if we go out to theirs, she sleeps terribly that night. Last night was a perfect example of this, my PIL came over, I assumed they would be popping round but they bought food and drinks and invited SIL and BIL to join without me knowing and all stayed until 10ish. I managed to get DD down at about 11 but she’s woken every 1-2 hours and I’m shattered now. AIBU to stop anyone from coming round in the evenings? DH has a large, very close family who all live walking distance and spend lots of time together at each other’s houses so it will mainly impact time with them. I know I can ask people to do whatever I want in my own house so I think I’m more interested in what other parents do re seeing people in the evening. Does it get easier as kids get older? Maybe I should keep allowing it so she gets used to it, she will be part of this family so maybe just needs to get used to lots of people around her?

OP posts:

Iminagony · 29/08/2019 07:49

Seems odd to me that people would visit in the evening like that anyway, especially when you have such a young baby. Staying until 10pm seems unreasonable to me in your situation (baby to deal with).

Liverbird77 · 29/08/2019 07:56

They are being so thoughtless. Unless people are coming to cook you a meal, clean or generally help out then leave, they shouldn't be there. It is a knackering time and you don't need to be hosting on top of it!

gingerbiscuits · 29/08/2019 08:02

It's 12yrs since my son was a baby but I can remember evenings being pretty sacred in those first few months - you're trying to get into a routine that works for you all & you're knackered yourself!

It sounds like you've cracked it for now & wouldn't be in the least bit unreasonable to ask people not to disrupt everything for now - it's you that has to deal with the fallout at 2am when they've all buggered off home! I'm stunned that people would think it OK to descend on you like that, uninvited & stay so late when you have such a tiny baby!!

Each phase is so short lived anyway, it's lovely to have the evenings snuggling with your baby & chatting to your husband - not to mention all of you getting some much needed sleep!

motherbott · 29/08/2019 08:03

It's pretty rude to invite people to your home without asking permission. If it works for you to have a visitor-free evening routine you should go with it. I'm sure your in laws will survive not being invited over in the evenings for the time being. It's only temporary.

BalanchineBallet · 29/08/2019 08:05

@Liverbird77

Seriously? The baby is 9 weeks not 9 days. Would you still expect any guests to only visit if they have come to clean your house?!

OP, firstly- that sleeping pattern may well
Change in the blink of an eye anyway, sadly, but I’m pleased it’s working for now. I think it’s fine to ask people to head home after 8pm ish you want to. You aren’t asking them not to come at all.

DoomsdayCult · 29/08/2019 08:08

YANBU.
I would however put a time limit on the ban. Say until baby’s second birthday or something, all visitors to be out the house no later than 8pm. Explain how it disrupts the baby’s “sleep training” ;)

Lazypuppy · 29/08/2019 08:08

We did the opposite,took our dd out to pub for dinner with us, went round others and put her to bed there etc to get her used to sleeping in different places and being moved from bed to car seat etc. Had people round to ours so she got used to noise downstairs

I never wanted to be stuck in the house during an evening cause i was in such a rigid routine.

EllesBells123 · 29/08/2019 08:09

I used to kick visitors out by 5pm so we had time to feed ourselves, wind down, do bath time etc. If baby is over stimulated it is impossible to get them to sleep, no wonder you had a bad night. Next time they suggest coming around in the evening say you've been having trouble with the bedtime routine and you would rather keep all visits to daytime hours only for the time being. That's not unreasonable at all with a new baby.

Liverbird77 · 29/08/2019 08:26

@BalanchineBallet no I wouldn't seriously expect anyone to do anything for me. We had no help whatsoever. Our baby is now 8months old.
I would, however, expect people not to be so thoughtless as to come round uninvited. In fact, people aren't welcome here at all in the evenings at the moment. They are our time.
I was just making the point to the OP that unless they are there to make her life easier then they are being thoughtless.
Out baby also started sleeping through at nine weeks, and has continued to do so, so I wouldn't want his routine disrupted.

hittheroadjack1 · 29/08/2019 08:27

I was the same op, had visitors who stayed until midnight. Baby was only a week old. I was exhausted, trying to breastfeed, recover from cesarean. Husband was out. I cried I was so tired.

Next time they say evening, tell them it doesn't suit you or you go to them so you can leave whenever you want.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/08/2019 08:30

You're aware that neither you nor your baby DD have to stay awake when evening visitors call?
You start establishing your routine and be polite and say to visitors "Well, that's DD and me done for the day. We're trying to start a bedtime routine now so well just say good night to you all and see you again soon", then take your DD and leave the room.
If your DH is left with these guests and the reason for their visit is no longer there, they may go sooner than they are currently doing.
You can then focus on getting your DD to bed and sticking to your routine.

IfThisWasOurHouse · 29/08/2019 08:33

Agree with previous posts. If its difficult to say no to evening guests then just go upstairs with your LO and leave them to it

FusionChefGeoff · 29/08/2019 08:43

Not at all.

Tell them to fuck the fuck off.

epari · 29/08/2019 08:43

YANBU.

I had the same problem with my in-laws. That one day a week they would visit or we would visit, meant I had a cranky night of waking up every hour and a overtired baby with messed up routine.

Sleep and routine is so important and don't feel guilty about it. The visitors don't have to stay up and deal with it. And also it's very selfish to put their wants before a babies need

Berthatydfil · 29/08/2019 08:50

Your in laws are very rude inviting other family members with out your agreement.
Your husband need to speak to his family.

First his parents and tell them not to ever do that again as it unsettled the baby, so no one else comes unless he or you have specifically invited them. And they go home at a time agreed by yourselves. Or they will find them unwelcome in future.

To his sibling (who may not have been aware the invite didn’t come from you) mum and dad overstepped by asking you along. I love seeing you but it’s just too much at that time of night for the baby. So next time just check with me first.

Also if you have visitors you just stick to your bedtime routines in future.

AlpacaGoodnight · 29/08/2019 08:52

Another vote for leaving them to it and going upstairs with the baby if you can't say no to them coming round. I would try and say no first though as it's much easier without evening guests when getting the routine established and sleeping time lengthened.

LazyLizzy · 29/08/2019 08:56

I would have taken her upstairs and chilled out reading a book or watched tv while she settled down.

Leave your DH to entertain them.

They'd soon stop coming if there was no baby to pass around.

Tonnerre · 29/08/2019 09:02

I agree, just head upstairs with the baby as soon as they appear. They'll probably become less keen on turning up anyway if they can't see her.

Jog22 · 29/08/2019 09:12

Yep. Go up to bed at 9 to settle her. Just do it casually. How could they have a problem with a baby going to sleep? If they protest then you'll know it's all about them.

Original poster

CluelessNewMama · 29/08/2019 10:24

Thanks everyone. I like the idea of just going upstairs, don’t know why I didn’t think of that last night! Have spoken to my husband and he gets it and will speak to his family/push back when they are too much, he is supportive as long as we make time for his family at other times. His family are genuinely really lovely but can just be a bit intense!

@lazypuppy that was our intention before we had her, we said we wanted to keep as much flexibility in her routine as possible. When she was first born we went out quite a few times in the evening and she just slept but she just struggles to switch off now with people around her. I think once she actually goes down into her cot at a set time we can go back to having family and friends over, or putting her down at other peoples houses. It’s just not working at the moment cause she just feeds/naps on me until I go to bed.

OP posts:

SaraNade · 29/08/2019 11:56

10ish on a weeknight? Don't any of his family work? I could understand a weekend, maybe. If his family are so large, surely they should all understand about babies and sleep routine (for you as well as for baby), which makes their rudeness even more strange.

But tbh, I would move. Sorry, easier said than done, I know. But "DH has a large, very close family who all live walking distance and spend lots of time together at each other’s houses" would have been a red flag to me, before I got married. As an introvert and someone who values my privacy and my time alone, I would have run for their hills. I've yet to come across a situation where these 'large, close families who live close and spend lots of time in each other's houses' that works well if a spouse coming into that family isn't used to it. I would find it suffocating and overwhelming. Having people turn up and just invite some other rellies, without even asking you, well that may be ok with these large families who basically live in each other's pockets but for me that seems very rude and I would not tolerate it at all. And of course, if the spouse stands up for their family and says something can you please call before coming over - or something like that, you (the spouse) would be the worst one out, and cause a fight in the family.

Nope, I would have run for the hills on finding out DP had such a large family so close that just.....turned up at everyone's house. I would have made sure we moved before we got married. You need to set the rules early on, it's probably too late now.

On the plus side though; they did bring food and drinks. You read about people turning up and expecting without asking, to be fed and catered for, so that they actually thought to bring food and drinks goes in their favour.

Original poster

CluelessNewMama · 29/08/2019 12:12

@saranade I’m also an introvert and it can definitely be a bit overwhelming, they are also all very loud and extroverted! When we first moved into our house they used to come over every day, I had to start locking the door cause they would just walk in and sit on the sofa! We see them about twice a week now, DH would spend every day with them if I allowed it so we have somewhat compromised.
As much as I find it overbearing they have also been incredibly supportive and we have some really fun times with them so I think we would be missing out in a lot of ways if we did move away (not that DH would entertain the idea!)

OP posts:

RB68 · 29/08/2019 12:16

I think to some extent baby needs to fit to your life as well as you to theirs. routine is important but there is nothing to stop you getting up at 9pm and taking baby for bed routine and into bed - ignore any noise from downstairs and just get on with it or DH should. it is good for babies to be part of socialising, to be accustomed to noise and also be accustomed to fitting around what is going on rather than everything being baby centred. Maybe baby is picking up that you are not relaxed, maybe it is the interaction etc but if you take them out of that for a feed/quiet time and then usual routine around 9.30 10 ish it should be fine

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