AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

[Imalright]

We are on holiday in a different part of the country to where we usually live, and have been since the weekend.

I did all the pre-planning, organising and packing, as well as everything while we have been here. DH hasn’t lifted a finger all holiday, and when I asked him to boil some pasta for the children’s (DSS9, DS2, DD1) lunch today, while I had an hour’s rest, he fell asleep instead, and was not particularly remorseful when woken.

I have ordered a copy of Wifework this evening, as things have to change.

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off with his behaviour and attitude?

How is he normally? Does he help at home and this is his holiday laziness, or is this just him?

YANBU, he sounds like a lazy twat. Stop doing things for him for a start.

His only job at home is to take out the bins. We have a regular cleaner, but it still tends to be me who tidies before her visits. We both work full time in demanding jobs, while the small children are at childcare or relatives.

I get that he wants to be lazy on holiday, so do I! Difference is, he's done nothing at all, while I'm running around ragged. I expected we would share all the jobs that need doing.

If you stay with him, and if you can possibly afford it, I wouldn't be booking self-catering holidays in the future.

@Cassilis so if I'm making dinner for us all, I shouldn't make any for him? I don't think I could do that, as it seems so mean.

I'm not going out of my way to do things especially for him, but as the children are small, they need lots doing for them, and it seems I have to do it, or it doesn't get done!

@palahvah what kind of holiday would you suggest would be better for us?

We've been together 6 years, however for one reason or another, this is our first family holiday. If there's to be another one, I'm open to suggestions on how we can make it successful. Right now, I just want to go home!

I don't think I could do that, as it seems so mean

And it doesn't seem mean of him to sit on his arse and watch you run yourself ragged? Call me petty but I would stop doing anything for him, food included, and when he asks why point out that he is doing nothing for you or DC so it wouldn't hurt him to at least look after himself.

@Hidingtonothing It was his refusal to do the ONE thing I'd actually asked him to do this holiday to give me a rest which brought everything else into sharp focus.

If I stop cooking for him, it means we'll probably end up going out to eat all the time as he won't bother to cook for himself. While we can afford to spend the money, I'd prepared a budget for the holiday which I'd like to stay within, so we can put any "spare" cash into savings.

Sounds like he's not being much different to what he is at home?? I think you have to make a change when you get back and get him pulling his weight.

@0DimSumMum0 When we're at home, he'll generally do stuff if I ask him...so if I ask him to cook, he'll do it, or if I ask him to get the children ready, he does. I'm usually not fussed doing stuff, it just really annoyed me that an hour off for me was too much for him, given he's been doing nothing on holiday.

Does anyone have some tips on how I can get DH do more without having to constantly ask him please?

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Have today off. Pack a day sack for you, leave a note saying you'll be back later and leave him to it. Go for a walk, have lunch in a pub etc.

All the stuff you're doing is invisible until you're not doing it any more. He's a functioning adult with a good job -he'll cope. You just have to willing to let him do it his way, but that has to be better than you doing everything.

How can you get him to do more without asking? Um. Nope no tips.

Stop doing everything yourself. No more self catering holidays, go stay at a hotel next time.

Why are you just running the household and allowing a grown man to not contribute? Given you both work full time he's making a total mug of you.

I'd sit him down and have a serious chat about how you are absolutely not willing to bring up your children by demonstrating that it's a females job to do the majority of housework (including the mental load which is often forgotten ).

I'd also tell him you don't find it very sexually attractive to be living with a waste of space man child who isn't a 50/50 partner in your life. That one may help speed up his attitude change.

Also stop asking him- it is not your job to ask him to do chores like he's a child. It's his equal responsibility. Having to ask a grown adult to pull their weight is just adding to your mental load and means he thinks he can get away with being even lazier.

So you’ve got his son with you as well? I’d have a conversation with him and tell him you’ve done the organisation and packing and that it is also a holiday for you and you’re going to split cooking etc. We’re currently away in the U.K. and I’m the one who planned and organised. My dh can be a bit like yours. It’s like having a 4th child and it’s very very frustrating.

Don't worry about the money for now. Your happiness (and your marriage?) are more important.

Get sat on that bum of yours and say "your turn".

Is he on board with the savings idea?

You sound very separate, like you are in charge and he is one of the kids. This is not modelling responsible adult male behaviour very well!

If you want the dynamic to change (I certainly would!), do be prepared for it to be a bit uncomfortable for both of you though, while you settle in to a different mode. You will be relinquishing some of the power in return for your fair share of headspace and me time.

Please have a nice holiday!

If you can afford to eat out is that what your dh would rather do? I am usually the first to be outraged at men sitting around and letting women do everything but I am also learning that sometimes we are our own worst enemies in that no one else, including the kids, cares if meals are on time or whatever.

Having said that, the overall aspect of you doing everything and all the thinking is ridiculous. You need to agree different responsibilities and each of you takes ownership. I tend to do big picture thinking and planning (from social stuff to kids activities, school uniform, sports, house management etc) and day to day cooking, shopping etc. DH manages all bills, day to day stuff for kids, laundry and general tidying.

This is why we have done all inclusive the last few years. DH likes cottages in the UK but that just means the same old grind for me, only in a rubbish kitchen usually! I’m a SAHM so it is no holiday for me. DH is really good when we are at home and is very involved, but like your DH likes his downtime on holiday. So do I!

So we now do either a shorter UK holiday staying in a hotel or AI abroad.

YANBU. I once returned from a few days work abroad (not so usual for me), whilst my DH had leave. I asked him to pack for the children only, as we were going on holiday the next day. 3 children need 2 T shirts each and a pair of pyjamas, apparently. Badly organised and lazy.

YANBU to be annoyed at him. He is a lazy git. Do you both spend the same amount of time out the house for work?

I think you need to sit him down and have a proper conversation about this. I know it sound daft but I've made an 'appointment' with a list of things to discuss with my husband before. I've kept minutes of our meeting and got him to sign what we have agreed on at the end. 😂 I KNOW it is naff and jokey but it worked for us.

Is this the reason he's not with the mother of his son?

I.e. she was fed up of doing everything while he did nothing?

Now she only has to clear up after herself & she gets a break whenever you have DSS (& it sounds like you're doing the bulk of his entertaining/care).

Perhaps you should point this out to him.

If you life would be easier/less resentful if he wasn't in it, what's the point of you being together?

Thanks you for all the feedback, it's been really helpful.

Today has been MUCH better.

We've got some activities planned this morning, and are leaving for home this evening, so we won't be coming back to the holiday flat.

I started clearing up, and asked DSS9 to pack his bag and make sure he had all his stuff, which he did. DH dismantled DD1's travel cot, packed his stuff and hoovered the living room without being asked, so I think the words we had yesterday are sinking in.

DH and ExDW split before DSS9 was born, and this isn't the reason he tells me they split. He can be very good with the children, but I think he forgot this is my holiday as well as his!

I'm not really keen on all inclusive, as I dislike having to go and eat whatever is there, and the restrictions it places on having to do things at certain times. I like being in a holiday house so it's more like a home away from home, and we're in charge of our time.

Next holiday I'll do as some of you have suggested, and make sure we allocate tasks before we leave home, then we'll all enjoy ourselves more!