DH vaping behind my back for 6 months

[Adviceplease1234]

I just caught my husband vaping outside when he went to put the bins out. I asked him about it and he said he’s been doing it for six months without telling me.

I’m not really upset that he’s been vaping, I’m just so upset that’s he’s been sneaking around behind my back for 6 months. I thought we had a really honest relationship and I now feel like I can’t trust him.

Am I unreasonable to be a upset? Should I just think he’s an adult and can do what he wants or am I justified in feeling like I can’t trust him?

He knows I don’t like cigarettes as I’m asthmatic so he said he was ‘scared’ to tell me he was doing it.

Honestly, I’d just be sad he felt he couldn’t tell you and was ‘scared’ to be honest. What does that say about your relationship on a whole really? Why is he afraid to be honest with you?

Vaping isn’t great but it’s not as terrible as smoking.

Why is he scared to let you know?

I guess because he knows I wouldn’t approve? Nothing actually to be scared of as we have a good relationship otherwise.

YABU. He's an adult.

You should be more concerned he feels unable to tell you about something so minor.

FWIW I'm not sure how he's got away with it for 6 months- I could smell my STBXH's (not the reason for our impending divorce!)

YABU I think OP, sorry. He's an adult, it's not illegal. No big deal.

If he was doing it secretly he obviously knew that you would disapprove and did it anyway.

Vaping is just as bad as smoking ...

It’s dealbreaker level behavior. The vaping alone is awful. Every bit of evidence is pointing to it being incredibly dangerous.

He lied on top of that.

He should be quitting today and begging for forgiveness.

Purpleartichoke what evidence would that be? Please cite sources, because every bit of evidence I've seen suggests otherwise, at least compared to smoking.

Why should he be "begging for forgiveness" for a perfectly legal activity?

If my partner tried to control what I did and told me I should be begging them for forgiveness because I did something they didn't like they'd be shown the door PDQ.

For the record I neither smoke nor vape. I'd be disappointed if my partner decided to take it up, but I'm not so arrogant as to think I could insist they stop.

Did he use vaping to give up cigarettes or just randomly start?

FurryDogMother a quick google will find alarming new information around impacts on young vapers.

Never forget that at one time doctors recommended smoking nicotine cigarettes for good health. Also, much of the vape and/or ingredients come from China, not presently our besties. History rhymes.

@PicsInRed the actual tanks and batteries often come from China
A lot of e liquid is UK produced, like the one I'm vaping now. The ingredients are listed
Public health England, the royal college of midwives and cancer research all support vaping

It's been around for some time now, enough for studies to have been done into it. It is 95% safer than smoking

@KylieKoKo he smoked as a teenager but that was years ago. There’s a lady at work he spends time with in his lunch breaks and she does it so seems like he’s started. She’s 25 years older than him and I honestly have never worried about it being any more than colleagues. I’m a firm believer you can have friends of the opposite sex but maybe I’m being naive.

So @PicsinRed no actual evidence then. ‘A quick google’ does not constitute clinical evidence.

It isn’t brilliant OP, but I think the bigger problem is him feeling scared to tell you? Is he an ex-smoker? Did he use vaping to give up smoking? I’m not excusing it, perhaps he really wanted to start smoking again and this is the lesser evil. At the end of the day there’s far worse things, and not having an equal relationship is one of those.

@Adviceplease1234
Nicotine addiction never really goes away and its not unusual for people to restart smoking after a lot of years. I don't think this suggests an affair but the insidious nature of nicotine addiction. He's chosen what he feels is the least worst option but I can see why you are disappointed.

I make my own vape juice, from propylene glycol, vegetable glycerin, nicotine and widely available food flavourings. The batteries in the vape sticks I use are pretty standard rechargeable ones, as used in many other devices, and the coils are mostly cotton and/or stainless steel. A 'quick Google' doesn't outweigh the advice of the NHS etc. Also, I am not a 'young person' and I suspect the OP's husband is probably also beyond his teenage years. Fearmongering from people who have not done their research can scare people who smoke into avoiding making the switch, which is doing them, and their health, a huge disservice.