Split from exP when pregnant. EA involved and classic narc. DD now entering Yr 8. He's never contributed financially and we don't have a set pattern for access etc.
His pattern for spending time with DD (at my house) is him snoozing on my sofa, DD in pjs not having had lunch/a drink/ appropriate snacks. Nothing new about any of this. Worse when she was younger and couldn't get her own food and drinks.
DD refuses to go to his (it's a complete shit-tip) and hasn't over-nighted for a couple of yrs. He's had her for 6 nights this summer hols and that's only been because they were at his parents.
DD understandably doesn't want to spend time with him. When he's with her he's on his phone, smoking in my garden, complaining or sleeping (including in my bed eww...).
He's never taken her to the cinema on his own for eg. I try and suggest activities but hit a brick wall.
Do I just give up on my attempts at promoting their relationship? I certainly wouldn't dream of cutting contact (let's face it, it's in my interest for them to spend time together. I am either at work or doing childcare) but find it so upsetting and disappointing how little interest he shows.
DD is a very self contained with occasional (typical) teen outbursts. She's a genuinely sweet kid and gets good feedback from my friends, school, people we meet etc. He sees so little of her and hasn't put the time in to ride these moments out and know how to react. His parents were no better this summer and made her feel victimised and miserable.
If I leave them to make arrangements there's a danger of him saying he finds it all too difficult ('moody teen...she doesn't want to spend time with me' etc. as usual it'll be all about him!) and not bothering.
I'm fed up of doing all the 'I'm sure your Dad is missing you/wants to see you' (she didn't ask to speak to him or mention him once when we were on holiday) and encouraging contact.
Thanks for reading if you've lasted this far. I think i needed the catharsis of getting some of this out there! There's obvs a huge amount more to it, but that's the basics.
Any thoughts or comments on how to manage this are welcomed