Secret half siblings?

[Wehttam]

Long story short, recently discovered my Dad was engaged before he met my mum years ago and that he had other children with his then fiancé. This was a story never told to me before so it came as quite a shock especially the idea of having half siblings elsewhere. My mum passed away recently so I’m unable to ask her any questions.

DS plans to ask Dad about it but I wanted to know if anyone else has experience in similar situations. I’m torn between wanting to know who they are or just carrying on my life without ever finding out. The story goes that dad was cut off from his first children by the ex fiancé. What I can not fathom is why we weren’t told. Thoughts? Would you go looking for them?

Some women do cut their children off from their fathers and use the children as a weapon. Equally there are plenty of men who are all too happy to walk away either because it suits them not to have the baggage of the children or because they've had enough of trying to fight battles and games to see their children. In many situations the most likely situation is that both parents have failed the children by not growing up and being amicable co-parents who put the children first.

You could ask your dad, or you could try to track your half siblings down yourself and make direct contact.

I have a half brother who my dad fathered before me.
I know he exists, but I have no desire to meet up with him. Well not at the minute, it fluctuates really.
My dad and myself are no contact, we’ve met approx 5 times since he left my mum when I was 3 and he blurted it out to me on one of his visits when I was about 19 or so.

I have 2 half siblings I think, but could be more.

Genetic father apparently had 1 before my eldest sister was born (DM suspected an affair).
He's had, at least 1, more since they separated. That one has a sister too, I don't know if he's her father or not.

1 of them contacted me, out of the blue, on fb when I was around 15. She was younger than me, but not younger enough that she also wasn't born from an affair! (He hasn't been part of our lives since I was young)

I responded to the msg but had no inclination to meet her. Still don't. Family is more than genetics.

As for why you weren't told I can understand I think. When is the right time, and to some degree, what would be the point, of telling you about people that aren't a part of your life and may never be.

Whether you go looking is entirely personal.

I think first step if possible is for you and your sister to ask your dad about it.
Reading between the lines I take it that is difficult for you.
How did you find out if your dad didn't tell you?

Nautiloid from a family member. I have a civil cordial relationship with my dad but no real contact per se.

Whilst I agree genetics isn’t anything to family, it’s more the thought that everything I knew to be true hasn’t been totally kosher.

They will be older adults so I will likely have little in common with them it’s more the curiosity of knowing who they are. It’ll be Sod’s law they’ll have 10 kids and want to be a part of our lives. Imagine the Christmas and birthdays 😧🤯

I have half siblings from an affair my dad had. I found out about them as an adult and they aren’t much younger than me. I don’t get on with them, there is resentment on both sides. Wish I’d never known and never met them. Just because we have the same father doesn’t mean we have anything else in common.

Multiple other children with the same woman - I'd do a search online for birth certificates, just to sate my curiosity, but TBH, no I wouldnt want to meet them .

Civil and cordial is the most tricky in this situation isn't it?
I think you're bound to be very off kilter already after the loss of your mum. I think finding out more is a very personal choice. If you give yourself some time you might find your brain simmers on it for a while and you know more clearly what you want to do.

I was a secret half sibling. It's really shitty, I felt like a dirty secret. I've been trying to build a relationship with some of my half siblings, it's really hard as we have nothing in common.

I was the one who instigated the relationship by seeking them out, that in itself is a hard decision to make as you don't know what impact you'll have on their lives.

Good luck with what decision you make Op.

I didn't know anything about mine (3 younger) until after my mum died and I got in touch with my natural dad. I had had no contact at all with him or any of his family since I was a toddler.

I had long conversations with the youngest one via text and after six months agreed to meet the three of them for lunch. That was in hindsight a mistake. One of them didn't drive so I agreed to meet them near his house which was two hours drive. Two of them were already there when I arrived with one of their partners. After an excruciating half hour only alleviated by partner who worked so hard to keep things going, the third sibling text her brother to say she wasn't coming. No explanation. Conversation was stilted and we all had nothing to really say. Anything about their parents (our shared partner) was just too confrontational.

Still had no contact with half sister and one brother blocked me and we haven't spoke again. But I have a cordial if distant relationship with one of them and his family.

OP do you know if they are aware of you and your sister?

Yes. Many years after my dad died and my mum was doing her family tree, someone contacted her saying he was my dad's son.

Turned out he was and my mum knew my dad had got married and left his wife when he was only 16.

She didn't know he had a child.

Anyway, we all met up. It was alright. A bit strained. But pleasant.

He has been to a few family do's, and my mum and 1 of my sisters stays in touch, but to be honest, I don't.

Nothing against the guy, but I think it might have been different if we met when we were younger.

He is quite a bit older than us and apart from sharing dna, we don't have anything in common.

Nautiloid I have no idea if they know about us, as far as I understand their mother stopped my dad from ever seeing them so I presume they have just gone on without him. After almost 40 years I would think they had a step dad and now probably have families of their own. Part of me thinks it could be answering a life long mystery for someone, growing up wondering who their father was. Then again maybe not, it’s a tricky one.

I’m a secret half sibling. My dad left my mum when she was pregnant and through some internet stalking, I know he went on to have at least two kids with another woman.

If they found out about me and tracked me down, I’d be happy to speak to them. But I don’t want to be the one to rock the boat and seek them out.

I have a half sister 5 years older than me.
When my Dad was 16 he got his 15 year old girlfriend Pat pregnant. In 1962..she was packed off to give birth in a home for unmarried mothers and they were forced to have the baby adopted and never allowed to see each other again.

He told me when I was 13.

Then... when I was in my 30s and he was long since divorced from my Mum( but civil) mum told him about an old school reunion coming up.. he went, there was Pat his first girlfriend, and two months later she moved in and they married. A year later rules changed and they were able to trace their daughter. She had been adopted and had a lovely family, but had moved to the USA. She came over with her kids and it was freaky to see how much she looked like her Mum!
We have been friends ever since, and when I went travelling two years ago I stayed with her. My Dad and Pat had ten very happy years together before she died suddenly. She was undoubtedly the love of his life, and sheer luck gave them the chance to be together.
I gained a sister, so for us it was a happy thing.
(and a real 'Our tune' love story!)

StillMedusa that’s a lovely story with a bittersweet ending. True love finds a way.

Nevermorelenore I hope if I find out who mine is that they are as laid back as you are about the situation. It must be strange watching from the sidelines another family you should be a part of, I hope my seeking out will have a positive effect for them. If someone came knocking on your door what would you say?

Years ago, when I was 16 my DF was in a serious car accident and for a few days it was touch and go. My DM confided to me that before they were married he had another child, a daughter. Apparently df's sister had told my dm... I think she was worried that if he died the first daughter may show up and was preparing me. She made me promise never to talk about it again. He didn't die and I didn't dare talk about it to anyone. My parents were always very private and my Df was very controlling so I was used to treading on eggshells around him and not making things worse for my dm. Years later he now has advanced dementia. My dm died some years ago. I had to go through his papers when he moved into a carehome. I know now from their marriage certificate that he was married before. I looked on a family history site and was able to find his first wife's name. Part of me wants to find out more about my half sister but I am also afraid of opening a can of worms. His sister is dead so I can't ask her and he didn't keep in touch with any of his extended family so I have no other information.

I found out about secret older half brother a few years back

Our dad and his mum split he was very small and a combo of the mum making things difficult and my dad being a bit rubbish (that's not changed!) meant they fell out of contact.... and no one thought to tell me until they reconciled a few years back.

He's really great, I've enjoyed getting to know him and despite being a bit weird for a while it's been a big positive addition to my life.

I have half siblings that I know exist in the sense of I know I have half siblings. I don’t know exact ages or names.

Honestly they are not my family, we share the same dna that is all. Ive met my dna donor once. I have no interest in suddenly gaining a dozen active siblings and their offspring.

I had a secret half sibling appear out of the blue a few years ago. Basically DF and the mother were in a relationship, she got pregnant, her family did the 'away to a convent with you' thing (not literally, but they chased Dad off and sent her back to her other kids dad. ) that was the last DF heard, that they were playing happy families and he was very much not welcome.

Turns out it wasn't such a happy family, she's always known her SF wasn't her bio dad, and has been searching for years. She finally tracked him down and made contact, at which point DF told us about her (DM already knew)

I was 40wks preg at the time. Not good timing. DF rushed everything far too much, we met within a few weeks, he expected everyone to be delighted and still can't see that this was and is very difficult for me. (my baby not his first grand child, me not oldest, me not only girl, whole situation very dishonest all over, real destabilising place in life stuff.)

I basically fell into horrific pnd that made me unable to leave the house, I cried every day in the last week of preg, I had stress migraines and god knows what else. I'm still depressed, I couldn't work, it's completely destabilised my life. DP is angry at the way it was all handled and how there doesn't seem to be any connecting of dots from DF. We are expected to meet up and have days out and shit. I just don't want to but would cause an almighty falling out if I said so. Tried to talk to DF but he's just not capable of hearing what I'm saying.

please, please be careful if you do decide to make contact

It sounds a bit “Take a Break” but many years ago my mums cousin unknowingly dated her own half brother. She apparently still doesn’t know her half siblings exist and her Dad managed to somehow put a stop to it without her finding out the truth.
I’d say it’s better to know who your siblings are, or at least find out if they are in the next town walking around with the same face as you or hundreds of miles away, totally detached.

wee I’m with you on the destabilising aspect. Everything you know to be true is somewhat muddied which is slightly how I feel. My difference being that I’m not heavily emotionally attached to my Dad so I will be able to handle that part I think. Definitely take your advice on being careful though. Thank you 😊

you maybe if I meet them I’ll sell my story to Take a break 🤣😂 kidding. I agree to know who they are, maybe view them from afar if they’re a bit sketchy....

I probably Have a few half siblings out there - my father has had so many affairs growing up that I’m almost certain I have at least 1 half sibling. But - not looking.

When my Dad was 16 he got his 15 year old girlfriend Pat pregnant. In 1962..she was packed off to give birth in a home for unmarried mothers and they were forced to have the baby adopted and never allowed to see each other again.

Was it their parents who banned them from seeing each other, @StillMedusa?

My mum and dad were in this situation when my mum was 15 and my dad 18. My mother was sent to the unwed mothers home. The baby was adopted. Fortunately for me (!) they were allowed to keep seeing each other, and they married when my mum was 20 and had me 10 years later. They’re still together.

I have met my sister, she found us shortly after her 50th birthday. It’s weird as she looks more like my mum than either me or my younger sibling!