Back to school anxiety

[Carpathian2]

My ds (12) had a really crap year 7 last year, and now we've got a week before he returns to year 8, he's really anxious about going back.

He wants me to allow home schooling, but I work full time and would struggle to make sure he gets work done. I also worry about the social side of school that he'll miss. I've suggested changing schools, but all the schools in my area are connected and have the same procedures and policies, so there would be no difference.

I'm at a loss over what to do. The doctor just gives him melatonin, but that doesn't really work if his anxiety is through the roof. He had an assessment with CAHMS last year, but they said they wouldn't take him on.

I'm now thinking of getting him some Kalms, although I don't like the idea of medication, but I don't know what else to do.

Any ideas?

What specifically does he struggle with?

You mention procedures and policies - so is he getting in trouble or is it issues with peers?

Have you spoken to school about support?

Hi, thanks for your reply.

He spent a lot of time in isolation last year, he admits he was being silly and deserved it, but he wants to turn that around and make a fresh start. His anxiety stems from thinking that he has got a bad name now and will be singled out. That happened last year.

He did a trial at the two other schools in my area last year, but they were no different to his current school and he didn't know anybody. So that was a no go.

I don't know what else to do.

Can you talk to his new head of year - with or without your son - and explain how he has turned his attitude around and will be a different kind of student? I’m sure they would want to help him and reassure him ... they should be at school at least some of the time this week?

I've left a message for his new head of year, I'm not sure when they're in between now and the start of term. My problem is his not sleeping and being very weepy and dread about going back.

If what worries him is having a bad reputation and being singled out for it, then a new school is the best idea. If he genuinely wants to turn it around, the fact that the other schools have the same policies and procedures shouldn't be an issue surely? He will need to conform to the rules to turn things around.
If you think the anxiety is still a problem, seek another referral to CAMHS. My DC was accepted second time around and successfully helped.

Set up a meeting with the head of year and ask what strategies they can come up with together. Tor example they could 'tell him' he had to sit at the front away from his friends or with a quieter group and that might help? Role play with him how to approach it if other children wind him up or want to chat etc? Has he got any issues concentrating that could be worked on? At the moment it sounds like he wants to change but doesn't know how

Ask if he could start a positive comments book from first day back. Each lesson give it to teacher and they write something positive in it from the lesson. Start to build his confidence again and show that if his is really willing to change everyone will support him. Being the book home every night for you to see too. Reward for good behaviour in school

Amiright. I think you've hit the nail on the head in that he doesn't know how to change. I'll keep trying the school, hopefully they'll get back to me eventually.

I just need to get him through the next week ....

What else. That's a really good idea. I'll suggest that to him.

Any decent teacher won’t hold a grudge; most teachers I work with treat each lesson as a fresh start. And certainly, a new school year usually means new teachers and often new mixes of classmates, especially at KS3. So he should get the new start he craves! Does the school operate a positive report and to build up students’ esteem? Are there any support strategies offered from a the school pastoral team?

I'm sorry to hear your son is so anxious about school

Definitely try the Head of Year on Mon if they haven't got back to you before. The school I work in has INSET on Mon so all staff will be in.

As a teacher, I always see September as a 'fresh start' and try not to have preconceived ideas about particular children - hopefully, it will be a fresh start for your son too.

Have you spoken to the school SENCo? I would do so if you haven't as they may well be able to help your son in school.

Try to give it until Christmas at the current school and see how things go. If things are no better than a fresh start elsewhere might be a good idea.

You need to tell him not to mess around this year or he'll be in isolation and hate school. It's in his hands surely.

Pumpkin. Thanks for your reply, it's made me feel a bit better to have a plan.

Could he take anti anxiety medication like sertraline?
Might help.

Have a sit down with him and put together a list of all the ‘barriers’. What are the things he sees as stopping him from behaving, why he gets into trouble etc. Once you have a list of ‘barriers’ work through them one by one with a solution focus. How can he knock down the barriers?
Sometimes overtly naming the problems and having a solution for each one helps children feel more in control (works for adults too!), a sense of control reduces anxiety and stress. It’s a technique I use with students anxious about exams/the future/those st ruggling to get on at school.
HTH

Thankyou daughter, that is very helpful in breaking down his fears and anxiety.

He's feeling a bit better about it all now because there's a new head of year ( not new to the school, she's been promoted) and he says she's really nice.

Fingers crossed it'll all go ok, and thanks to everyone who replied.

Sounds like you have a plan. In the meantime, lots and lots of physical exertion might help with the sleeplessness.