Sleepover with child I don't like?

[NoineNoine]

My DD1 is a seven year old with special needs including speech delay and high functioning autism. She's content to play mostly by herself, but does have a loose circle of friends as well. She's not too keen on one of these friends lately, I suspect it's because the child is a little too loud for DD's taste. I loathe playground squabbles and never interfere until absolutely necessary, but I've told DD that she's free to play with whoever she wants as long as she's not excluding anyone. Her friend is a chatty little girl who does have a lot more friends than DD, so I didn't think it was bad advice to give.

I am good friends with the friend's mum though, but that's because I like her very much, not because of the children. I do not see why our relationship should change just because the kids relationship changes.

My friend wants me to watch her daughter on the weekend for a night, and normally this is fine. But when I mentioned it to DD1, she got a little annoyed at the idea, but not upset, just unenthusiastic. I do not know what to do now, one the one hand my friend really needs the childcare and she has no one else to ask but me, and it's a one time thing. On the other, the last time I had her was stressful - she's very loud and DD1 and she really rub each other the wrong way, fighting all the time and tearing the house apart.

What do I do? Suck it up? Refuse and risk the friendship? Even if I do refuse, what do I say?

I'd just invent a reason why you can't, rather than tell her that you don't like her child.

Can you arrange some activity that would be sufficient incentive for your DD to accept the sleepover? Sometimes for social reasons we have to do things that we don't really want to do, and that's not a bad lesson for any child to learn.

It’s a tricky one. I would also make something up! Do it sooner rather than later or you will be dropping her in it and she will be annoyed with you. I know your saying she has no one else to ask but I bet there is someone.. you have to put your child first, especially given what you said about her needs, does she really need the upset before going back to school? I have 3 kids, 13 year old girl and 8 year old twins. Once over with the eldest I would have sucked it up and had the kid over, nowadays I have come to realise it’s not worth the upset. Your saying it’s a one off thing. Bollocks, she will ask again you know that!!!

Realistically, I think otherwise your relationship with your friend will probably change for the worse. One day you might need someone to watch your DD for you, and - I speak from experience - that's a big ask if your child has SEN, so better to build up credit where you can.

You need to get involved with squabbles

Kind hands, don’t say mean things etc is guiding them before a war starts.

Do a DD activity and a quiet film or something.

Separate rooms?

You dont have to refuse, just make up a reason.

Sorry I cant, my mum is visiting on sunday
Sorry I cant, my husband is working late
Sorry I cant, we have plans at the weekend

Yes, I agree it's good lesson for children to learn. I was wondering if I could arrange something outdoorsy and tiring so they actually go to bed early so I can get some peace and quiet. I just hate having to mediate a thousand times while they fight over every little thing..

Could you take them out to the cinema or something then put them to bed in separate rooms as soon as you get home? Then go out early to the park in the morning. If you can manage it, then I would for my friend but not if it will be absolutely hellish.

Have her over and make it a full day. Perhaps cinema then outdoor activity.

So many great suggestions!!! Thank you also for being so kind. I know it's a mean thing to dislike a child, but I am an anxious people pleaser myself and find a messy house and a broken routine very difficult to cope with. Just complaining a bit here has helped!

I would absolutely not make it a full day if they don't get on! Keep it short and sweet - have her over for dinner and a quick play before bed. Don't give them time to fall out.

Don't call it a sleepover or play date. Tell your dc that you are doing childcare/babysitting and she needs to be polite to your guest. If you need her to go to them any time the same is true, it's between the mums, not for the kids. Like you might entertain a family friend or dh work colleague who is not you right absolute favourite.

Depending on relationship with friend and her dc you could ask for best behaviour because last time was too loud, or just give the girls a warning with some rules at the start of visit. Nip it in the bud and yes go out, give them seperate things to do e.g. A colouring book each.
Good luck

I've a dc similar to yours and have been in a similar-ish position. If social communications and cues are tricky for your dd, maybe this could be a chance for her to learn a little about how to handle people she doesn't totally warm to, for example by talking it through with her in detail beforehand and her helping to choose an activity that doesn't involve lots of interaction such as a film, and then talking through the film afterwards. That said, I think have the other child for the minimum amount of time.

Your DD does not have to be this child's friend to facilitate your relationship with your friend! That's all kinds of wrong!

You babysitting your friend's child shouldn't be framed as a sleepover for your daughter and the other child.

Treat it as you would if the other child was a very different age to your DD and the opposite sex - the children are not friends, you're just looking after the other child to help her mother.

Don't make them share a room, put your DD in with you or your DD's sibling in with her or juggle whichever way works to put the visitor in appropriate sleeping accommodation on her own.

In the evening you'll have to supervise a film or board game night with pizza and then put them to bed.

It isn't up to your DD to play with the child, its all on you, though your DD needs to be polite of course.

You can make it work but it's not a sleepover or playdate, it's all about you doing your friend a babysitting favour and not shoving the burden of entertaining your friend's child onto your child.

I'd do it this time( anxious people pleaser too) and arrange an activity to keep them occupied and tire them out.
I'd also try my best to get rid of her as early as possible.
I'd have a good excuse ready for if she asked again.

You can say no, it's ok to do that! Part of being a good mother is supporting your child's relationships, supporting the beneficial ones and navigating through the difficult ones.
There's a girl in my daughter's class who's mum I get on well with. I would have liked to meet up this summer for a coffee, but my daughter doesn't like the way her daughter is very tactile. I've explained to my daughter that it's fine not to want to play with her, what wouldn't be ok would be to treat this girl badly or encourage others to do so.

Some great suggestions here.

Have her over and make it a full day

Why on earth would she do this? Have her dropped off at the last minute and collected as early as possible the next day to limit the amount of squabbling time.
Does your dd like watching movies? I'd sit them in front of tv with a choice of movie each and then put them to bed, in separate rooms if possible.
That is only if you cannot say no. However, I'd say 'no it wouldn't suit', as I really wouldn't want the hassle of it. You don't need to make up excuses as to why you don't want to do it.

I would do it this once, and when you are stuck you now have someone who owes you a favour!

Take them for a really long walk. Then pizza. Followed by warm milk and cookies before bed, and a long boring film.

Do you have a DP, and is your friend going out for the night? Is it possible for you to babysit this little girl in her own home, with your daughter being looked after at home? Of course that would depend on whether your dd would be comfortable with that arrangement.