Webcam funeral

[Flowerpot26]

I didnt think things could get worse, my beautiful mum passed away 2 weeks ago, I have a brother who not had anything much to do with, he left home when my mum got diagnosed with ms when I was about 10 and went to live with my dad who is a selfish non involved but wants to be there at graduation for the photo type. So we were left to it, she was always in and out of hosp, had carers, infections, hoisted. But she was a warrior and survied all the odds, im now 35. I was lucky tho, I loved her so much, she was amazing and cheeky. The brother visited one a year maybe, would send the cheapest flowers occasionally, never checked up with her, never contacted me, wouldnt reply If I asked for help or to say she was really poorly,
However now she passed, I told him, and he's said he can't make the funeral but it's okay as he can watch it on webcam, I feel this is awful, she deserved so much more than him, I haven't replied as I can't find any words and really don't want to have to deal with him. Should I just let it happen and then never have to speak to him again, or tell him it's a new low. I just hope his kids treat him the same way

Tell them you're not happy with it.

If he cared enough he'd be there

Sorry for your loss. I would imagine it's a static camera that will be pointed at the front of the room not on the guests. Let him pay and let him live with his conscience that he couldn't be bothered to come. You grieve for the mother you knew with your friends and family at your side.

A funeral isn't just the service it's the chance to honour memories with the wake as well. He'll be missing out on a lot just live streaming from the funeral.

How old was your brother when he went to live with your dad? He was estranged so you cant compare the relationship you had with her to his one with her.
I do think it's odd and weird to offer such a service.
I'm not really sure though, you are saying goodbye in your own way and he wants to do the same.
I'm sorry for your loss op

ut, bearing in mind that I might be a bit old fashioned, it would seem appropriate to me to make the effort to attend the funeral in person.

Well a survey of all my 20 something DCs and their 20 something partners returned a resounding rejection of the idea unless there is some dire reason why the person can't attend (ie too ill themselves, late flight cancellation and missing it).

None were happy with the idea of it being a "convenience" for someone who otherwise travels regularly but since he regularly visits the country without seeing his DM its unsurprising that her funeral is an inconvenience.

First of all, I’m truly sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my Dad a couple of years ago and it was honestly the worst time in my life.

I am going against the grain though and saying that I would allow it. He hasn’t been a good son but she was his mother too and I wouldn’t stop my sibling grieving in their own way. I would allow it and then remain low/no contact.

The only time I would stop it is if I thought my mum wouldn’t have wanted it? Did she feel the same way as you do?

Ultimately it’s your choice and it should be respected either way. I just wanted to give an honest opinion.

All the best for tomorrow

I don't understand how the funeral directors can - without your consent - adjust your booking that you are paying for and are responsible for.

That's like random relatives ringing up changing the buffet or the DJ booking for the wedding you have organised and paid for!

I understand why you are so upset on top of the grief you are already going through

That's disgraceful, as well as so disrespectful. I'd tell the funeral director not to do it.

I just called them, and she said he has payed, but I can cancel it, she said they have it, for family members that truly can't get back, or military or whatever, not normally for someones own son. She said maybe best to let it go ahead and then he can't come back at me with anything, and hopefully it will hit him later in life the way he behaved.
He must of been about 12 when he moved out, he didn't want a sick mum so left. I feel so sorry for my mum so I always over Compensated so she knew how much she was loved.

Your mother was very lucky to have had such a wonderful, caring daughter, and I am sure she knew she was loved.

Op a 12yo moving out is hugely traumatic for a 12yo as he would have been too young to understand the consequence of doing so. He was also raised by your dad who doesnt seem to have done his relationship with your mum any good. Just because you stayed it doesnt make him bad. It completely explains the estranged relationship that they had.

The things he did after makes him bad, but I'm not here to go in to all that, he has just always made a bad situation worse on purpose , would visit upset everyone and leave. The only good thing that come out of this is that I hope to never see him again.

For people asking if this is a thing it certainly is. My MIL funeral was on webcam as all of the church’s services (that she went to) are.
At least it meant that family who lived abroad could watch if they wanted to.

I think your brother is awful but it sounds like he disengaged from his relationship with his mother a long time ago. Remember you can’t change other people and their behaviour.

I’m sorry for your loss

Parental alienation is a thing - perhaps he was coached by your father that a sick mum was an 'insult' to him/he'd only end up looking after her/it was made up for attention or benefits, etc.

I know my ex said all those things about me. And once a relationship is damaged by Gaslighting like that, it's hard to come back from it.

I know it's crap. I know it's painful, but could it help that you won't have to look at him when you are in so much pain?

He'll be present in a different way, you won't have to behave nicely towards him, he won't have to worry about you laying into him publicly and when it comes down to basics, I don't suppose your mum would particularly want the two of you having a very public fallout at a funeral.

Ahh, this is disgraceful. I’m so sorry for your loss OP. This just sounds very Black mirror to me, who on Earth is so callous they want to watch their own Mother’s funeral on skype? Gosh.

It sounds like an awful situation, right at the moment you are struggling with so much. Fwiw, I think you should let the booking stand.

He wasn't the son/brother you wanted and perhaps he didn't have the relationship with your mother than she would have wanted. I completey understand why you feel so angry and hurt by him. Going VLC or NC after this could save you from further pain and stress of dealing with him.

Nonetheless he was her son and he will also be grieving in his own way. I don't think refusing his request will change anything, bring you comfort or 'make' him feel differently. Their distant relationship may 'hit him' later, it may be that he's struggling with it now, or he may never feel the way you do about it. It's likely his feelings are complex and painful.

I am so sorry for your loss

Im confused abit the age, would of been older, as I remember starting secondary school and he was there

Honestly what can he do to you if he is upset? Sounds like your mum was the only thing that connected you and now you will always

Damn it.

Just be able to block him.
I'd be so disgusted I'd tell them to cancel it. Let him contact you. Tell him he's disgusting and then block him. He can't do anything. I'm