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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask if BIL really wants to live at home forever?

24 replies

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 08:21

So my PIL are moving from a small two bed to a three bed. My BIL's live there and share a room, they are 31 and 25. Obviously they want to move out at some point but the younger one has some MH concerns and is out of work for the time being. That said, he has told me he hopes to start work and look for a flat to rent in the next year.
The older BIL has been in work for many years. He has a lot saved and I think the long term goal was to put a deposit down. He doesn't go out much and hasn't had a serious long term relationship, but I thought he wanted his own space.
Now the PIL are moving, BIL is talking about putting his savings into theirs so they can buy a bigger three bed, and he can have his own room. I know it's a bit more space, but that's not really freedom is it? I feel like he should still go with his original plan and save for a deposit. I know it's interfering but a room in your parents house isn't the same as your own place and he wouldn't be able to get that money back if he did decide to move out.
Would I be interfering to mention to him that it might be a bad idea to put his savings into a house which won't be fully his? I think both BIL's think that one day the house will be there's and they can buy their own houses but that doesn't account for the house being sold to pay for PIL's care. The whole family are quite close and like living together, as far as I can tell so I don't want to cause a rift but I don't want BIL to regret losing his savings.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 28/08/2019 08:24

Not your business.

FredaFrogspawn · 28/08/2019 08:26

Absolutely none of your business at all. It is unusual but as long as he isn’t abusing his parents in any way, he is just living the way millions of families live throughout the world and throughout history. It will benefit his parents to have his support in their old age if he remains and he clearly loves being with them.

Toneitdown · 28/08/2019 08:28

Keep out of it

Original poster

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 08:29

I'm not judging the set up but he expressed to me that he wanted his own space and he was looking at flats. I think he thought that he should offer them more money as they were struggling to find anything they liked in their price range.

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 28/08/2019 08:30

Not your business. I’d stay out of it.
You have your own hopes and dreams for your life. Your aspirations may be very different to your BIL’s

Aderyn19 · 28/08/2019 08:33

I agree with you and I think it's right that families look out for each other's best interests and point out potential pitfalls.
I think I would say all this to my husband and let him have the conversation since it will likely go better coming from their brother.

FredaFrogspawn · 28/08/2019 08:34

If you feel he is being too nice and genuinely think he may regret it, why not suggest to your dh, his brother, check with him that he is doing it for the right reasons and not just to rescue his parents from a smaller home? It’s better if it is kept within immediate family. As an in-law, you do need to tread carefully.

Original poster

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 08:34

@Aderyn19 he doesn't want to get involved (and we're not together anymore but I'm still close to his family due to me knowing them since I was 16!)

OP posts:

TulipsTwoLips · 28/08/2019 08:35

"He doesn't go out much and hasn't had a serious long term relationship"

TBH you do sound like you are judging him!

Original poster

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 08:36

@TulipsTwoLips how? These are facts! I was trying to illustrate why he hasn't felt motivated to move out before this.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2019 08:38

Yes a grown up. I assume he must realise that he wouldn't be able to afford to move out?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 28/08/2019 08:41

I might say to him to think carefully, because if he puts his money into the house, realistically if he later wants to move out, hes not going to force them to sell to get it back.

I might also ask him if he did at some point plan to start a mortgage, what age would he like to be mortgage free? That at 31 if he starts a mortgage now, hed be clear by 56, he really wouldn't want it going on into retirement, but then he does need to consider if his parents passed away, would the house have to be sold to cover inheritance tax etc, effectively making him homeless at an age where he couldn't get a 25 year mortgage, but a shorter one with higher repayments.

Not a judgement about him living with them, just a pointing out the practical issues chat.

apostropheuse · 28/08/2019 08:41

YABVU. It's absolutely none of your business. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions. I know plenty of families living in a "multi-generational" set up and it works well for them.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2019 08:42

There are all sorts of dynamics. It maybe that he isn't a confident person and although he wants an independent life doesn't feel he could cope with it

Original poster

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 08:50

@SnuggyBuggy I understand that. However what if in two years time he meets a woman/man and they want to move out? What if he wants to access that £50,000 or whatever he's got saved? It's going to be in his parents house. I would tell a friend to think it over, and he is a friend and an uncle to my dc's.

OP posts:

sheshootssheimplores · 28/08/2019 08:51

I moved out of my parents home at around 31. It was a huge turning point for me and if it wasn’t for an older friend of mine really pushing me to do it and lining up the house, I wouldn’t have gone ahead and I suspect wouldn’t have my fiancé and children.

I don’t think you’re being interfering at all, I think you are concerned and want the best for your BIL. What does your husband think? I know you said he said to keep out of it but does he have a close relationship with his brother? Does his mother do all his cooking/cleaning etc? You might find that he is very comfortable and doesn’t want to do this stuff for himself.

I really think you need to figure out his motivation for wanting to stay put. For me it was very poor mental health and a real concern about the financial side and me being able to afford it. For him it might be something else if he has a stable wage.

mumwon · 28/08/2019 08:53

something that has to be considered is when/if parents die or need care support/finance the mixing of ownership can cause difficult legal/financial situations for him - he needs to check this with solicitor/financial expert on this (think inheritance tax/inheritance etc

Original poster

TheMessyCleaner · 28/08/2019 09:02

@sheshootssheimplores thank you for understanding. I really am not a busybody but I feel concerned that he is a making a decision through obligation not because he wants to.
I think he'd come into his own a bit more if he had his own place. He tells he that he feels embarrassed to tell girls that he lives at home so he doesn't talk to them. Which is mad as most of the ladies men I know still live at home, with their mums still making their bacon sandwiches on a Sunday morning

OP posts:

PippiDeLena · 28/08/2019 20:02

I don't think you're being a busybody at all.

Your BIL mightn't have thought about what would happen if he wants to move out in the future, but then can't get his £50k back without forcing his parents to sell up. If you are close to him you can have a friendly chat about it. He sounds quite sheltered so talking about scenarios he might not have thought of could really help him. Besides which, if he puts £50k into a house, and isn't listed as an owner on the deeds then the house could be sold to pay for PILs future care and he's lost everything.

violashift · 28/08/2019 20:07

I live with my parents and it hets really annoying when people. Some that I don't even see that often ask when I am moving out.

I would just leave it even though you mean well.

isadoradancing123 · 28/08/2019 21:02

I think you would be right to raise your concerns, then its up to him

SandyY2K · 28/08/2019 21:54

Why don't you mention your thoughts to BIL, based on what he's shared with you.

He might be receptable to your concerns.

altiara · 28/08/2019 22:01

I think a chat with what DisgruntledGuineaPig posted would be useful to him. It’s easy to focus on something like helping parents/bigger bedroom and lose sight of the bigger picture (never getting a mortgage) no matter how old you are. Plus if he moves out, will the in laws need to move house or will their 2 bed then be just the right size?

PooWillyBumBum · 28/08/2019 22:43

I don’t see the issue with him staying living with his parents but, if he were my friend, I’d be seriously concerned with him sinking £50k into someone else’s house. Will he have a stake in the house? If not, what happens if the parents needed to sell the house to pay for care, or will he have to do it? What if he meets someone and wants his own place? What if they die suddenly - will the will reflect this and how? If he will be an official owner he’ll lose any FTB benefits (stamp duty, savings match) and have an uncomfortable position if he needs it sold, or they do.

Just seems really really sticky and I’d probably take financial and/or legal advice before proceeding.

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