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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have a big issue with my childs father smoking weed around her

16 replies

peakygal · 27/08/2019 19:40

Hi new to the forum.
Have an 11 year old daughter aswell as 2 other girls 16 and 6.
I became a widow a couple of years ago and its been long road for us.
To cut a long story short my 11 year olds so called father, who hasn't had a job in years, sponges off the dole and is a self proclaimed pothead...This man will not stop smoking weed around my daughter. He is at the stage now where he is telling her its perfectly normal as its only a plant. Hes educating a young child on weed being good to do...Wtf??
This man has been a dreadful father. He banned my daughter from speaking about her stepdad in his presence from the moment my DH passed...DH was an amazing parent btw.
This man has told so many lies about me to my daughter and has admitted to her in my presence he has repeatedly lied. There is so much much more with him that I could be here all day. Ive had letters given to him by my doc as DD has asthma and no matter what I say he just won't stop. He has emotional abused her so many times and also used coercive control...Im literally at my wits end..I don't want her around him anymore. Any ideas would be helpful. Please if you smoke weed no judging. I'm not against anyone doing it just not in my childs presence. Tia

OP posts:

BrokenWing · 27/08/2019 21:37

Well he's not going to listen to you and you need to show your dd what he is doing is wrong and you won't tolerate it. SS and police would be where I would start?

RosesAndRaindrops · 27/08/2019 21:54

Being nowhere near him would be where I would start, sorry. Sounds vile.

GilbertMarkham · 27/08/2019 21:56

The recreational drug use sounds like a good basis on which to get SS involved and try to stop access.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 21:59

Does she want to have contact with him? Could you ask for supervised contact only? I doubt you’d get it, tbh, as it’s ‘only’ weed. The asthma might swing it, tho. He’s clearly an idiot. My mother’s smoking has exacerbated my cough this weekend. At least I could escape.

Original poster

peakygal · 27/08/2019 22:16

Thank you for your replies. She does want to see him but now shes and understands about drugs etc she keeps saying she's so embarrassed. She asked him recently to stop smoking it around her and he told her it was good to smoke and she pointed about the asthma and he basically tried to tell her she was fine now as she isn't as bad as when she was a child. Can I request supervised visits? I'm in Ireland

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 27/08/2019 22:46

This man has been a dreadful father. He banned my daughter from speaking about her stepdad in his presence from the moment my DH passed.

It's not just the drug taking though, is it? Which is bad enough. It's this too.
I mean WTF.
Emotional bullshit around her too.

MollyButton · 27/08/2019 22:49

She has asthma and he's smoking around her - I don't even care that its Weed, so much as smoking. He doesn't care for her does he.
I would report him. If not then at least get your GP or a nurse to talk to her about her asthma and the effects of second hand smoke etc.

JustAVoidReally · 27/08/2019 22:58

Smoking recreational, illegal drugs around children is a massive red line and it would be time for him to exit the property voluntarily or with his arm up his back in the custody of a police officer if that were my child.

On a positive note if you tell someone with cannabis dependency that they can choose, stay and stop weed forever or go and smoke as much as you like, they will probably bugger off voluntarily. As long as it won't take too much effort to find somewhere to stay, that is.

Elieza · 27/08/2019 23:16

That’s awful. Tell the social workers for sure. You have to protect your daughters health.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 23:18

The (admittedly few) people I know who smoke weed would never do it around their children in a million in years. In fact, I don't know anyone who smokes anything at all in the presence of their kids.

I would be inclined to seek legal advice on this if you possibly can, because I'm pretty sure you would have grounds to restrict his access to your daughter if he is habitually smoking weed in her presence.

Does your daughter actually want to see him, or does she see him because she has to?

Original poster

peakygal · 28/08/2019 00:15

I must ask if she actually wants to see him and doesnt feel she must..Quite frankly I'd be so happy if he disappeared. This man is vile..As i said I could write so much more but I would be here forever..
When it comes to DH, he was in my daughter's life from a very young age. He was there for everything and she was very close to him..He died unexpectedly 3 years ago and its like as soon as he died her father told her to never mention anything to do with him again that he was f all to do with her and neither is his family which is my in laws. So basically my baby was grieving and told not to do it in his presence. Thats just one of many twisted things he has done. I had stopped her going up there for a few weeks and then I found out that her GM was dying so of course I wanted her to have time with her but since then I just really don't want him around her well alone with someone level headed there. This man is 38 and still lives at home

OP posts:

RosesAndRaindrops · 28/08/2019 00:19

Quite frankly I'd be so happy if he disappeared

So ditch him then

Original poster

peakygal · 28/08/2019 09:35

We're not in a relationship for me to ditch him..

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 28/08/2019 09:41

My ex turned my ds into a drug addict by giving him weed at that age, and telling him that it was good for him (ds is mentally ill and it fried his brain) and not to tell mum. My only regret is that I didn't do whatever it took to keep him away from his dc's. He eventually managed to do that himself, but the damage was done with ds. I worked too hard at trying to keep up a relationship.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 28/08/2019 09:51

Op, this sounds a lot like my dad. Can you refuse contact? My mum didn’t step in when I was young and as an adult I wish she did. You could try informally first, addressing the very obvious reasons why it’s not appropriate, and if he kicks up a stink you can offer to involve SS etc.

You’re the only one who can advocate for her, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Push harder to remove her from this, parents like this can be so damaging. If you feel you have to offer some contact maybe another family member could supervise lunch/contact time outside of his home?

Good for you and good luck x

Waytooearly · 28/08/2019 11:39

Police and SS. At least in relation to the drug stuff you have the law on your side. You don't want to have criminal behaviour become something normal to her.

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