To want to cut MIL out of my life

[heylyla]

I don’t know if I’m BU. All I know is she makes me feel awful every time I’m around her and it’s been building up to this for a very long time!

She constantly makes me feel like a bad mom. I have postnatal depression and she’s awful to me about it - tells me social services will get involved if I’m not careful (I know they won’t, I’m not a bad mom!) but she does it to try make my anxiety worse. She does it when I’m cornered and can’t get away from her for example, the last time she did it, it was when we were on the way home in the car!

She’s always going against mine and DPs parenting choices, makes sly comments to others to try make us look silly and get them to side with her eg. when we wouldn’t let anyone kiss DC on the lips as a newborn she threw a hissy fit, said “IM HER GRANDMOTHER I WANT TO KISS HER” and told anyone who would listen how stupid we were in hopes they’d agree.

It’s also little things for example, thinking she knows everything and that advice she was given when she had her kids is still correct despite it having changed multiple times since then and when we try to tell her the way we are parenting is based on current advice she insists she’s right, we’re stupid, as is the NHS.

On top of this, she makes promises to come and see DC but then will text on the day saying she’s too ill to come and later on we will find out she’s seeing her other grandchildren! She seems to favour SILs children and will always see them or give them presents without DC but will never see DC or buy DC presents without including SILs children.

I’m sure it seems really minor, but after putting up with her for years and the most recent incidents listed (and some not!) over the past few months just since DCs birth, I really can’t deal with her anymore!

AIBU to find her really hard to tolerate? AIBU to want to cut her out of my life? And wwyd with regards to her treatment of DC? I don’t know if stopping her seeing DC is too far but I don’t feel as though I should allow it to continue and DP doesn’t ever say anything to her.

You dont have to see her if you don't want to but YABVVU to tell your DP he cant take his children to see his mother, they are not your possessions. Frankly, you make no bones about how she irritates you and how pissed off you are that she spends time with her own daughter - and yes, they dynamics of mother/daughter relationship are far, far different to those of a MIL/SIL relationship - you see, her daughter actually likes her and welcomes her advice. He son probably likes her too and would like to uptake some of her advice but daren't.

Lets be honest, you resent that she has a good mother/daughter relationship. If she did bring your offspring little gifts you'd have endless threads about chocolate, sweet things, plastic tat, the wrong sort of clothes etc etc.

Try making her feel welcome, just a thought. Or, go out for the afternoon and leave your DP and his child to have some time with his mother, the childs grand mother.

@IAskTooManyQuestions ummmm I don't know how you've came to any of the conclusions you have from reading my post 😂

@IAskTooManyQuestions my problem is MIL not seeing DC so why would I prevent them from seeing her? I WANT them to but she doesn't keep promises, lies, makes excuses to not see them.

This isn't about her relationship with her daughter, how close they are or how often she sees her isn't my concern. My concern is the inequality in the relationship she has with SILs children v my DC.

You really don't have to visit her. If Dh wants to bring the kids to visit then let them off and enjoy a peaceful couple of hours. I'm sure he won't be rushing to visit so often when you're not there to take all the criticism and he's left defending his parenting.

Is SiL her daughter? I'm wondering if she gives in to her mother's demands (or even sees nothing wrong with them) and therefore is preferred over you, and by extension your DC(s), because you're seen as the awkward one.

You say DH won't say anything to her. That sounds like he's been brought up (and his sister too, if it is his sister) to accept anything that their mother says or does and not question it. She's made herself She Who Must Be Obeyed, never challenged and always has to have, and gets, things her way.

Cut her out from your life. I’m assuming your children are young. You have to honestly think whether they benefit or not from having her in their lives. I put up with my mil for 5 years before I made the decision that my children’s lives were better without her in it. My partner can obviously see his parents whenever he wants. I won’t have my children near them though

@Wonkybanana yes SIL is DPs sister. That does make sense, so wrong on MILs part though if that's the case!

Wow! As a new grandmother, I'm terrified to breathe near my son's DP after reading some of these posts in case she takes a dislike to me for no discernible reason.

People are allowed to be different or odd or eccentric you know. Have you considered that maybe your SIL needs more support than you and calls on her mother for help?

@Pollywollydolly absolutely but what you're not allowed to do is purposely say things to cause anxiety in others, make people feel like bad mothers for things they can't control such as postnatal depression, call others stupid for having different opinions or lie about being ill to get out of seeing one set of Grandchildren just so you can spend time with the other 🙄

pollywolly so long as you don’t threaten to get social services involved; go against evidence based medical advice about kissing babies on the lips; and call your DIL a bad mum you’ll be grand.

OP - YANBU. none of this behaviour from your mil is acceptable. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your children. Make sure DP is on board and sticking up for the mother of his child when she pulls this stuff again.

@adreamofspring thank you!!

Her comments to you are absolutely unacceptable. If you’re driving, stop, tell her to get out. If she persists in trying to kiss the baby on the lips, she doesn’t get to hold her, simple. Is your DP there when she makes these comments?

@Cherrysoup I'll definitely try that next time. Yes he is but never says anything at the time. He text her afterwards but she refused to believe she did anything wrong - even though she could see she had clearly upset me as I broke down in tears in the car.

It needs tackling at the time and your DP needs to really go mad at her for anything to be effective.

Urgh she sounds horrid. One thing you discover when you have a baby is that everyone is an expert! I find that when the previous generation talk about what was done in their day (and is therefore correct) a quick, "You didn't have car seats and drinking during pregnancy was encouraged then too", helps.
It is exhausting enough looking after a baby and working it all out without fending off nasty and unnecessary comments from your mother in law. See if a temporary ban helps her get the point that she needs to change her ways? Good luck x

Cut her off asap! Right now. No phone calls, emails , letters, nothing! You do not owe her an explanation either. If you have felt this way for years nothing will change. Only your resentment of her. Cut her off before you flip. It's up to you if she sees your child but I think this would keep the situation going. Threatening you with social services!?! I'd be like do it bitch! How dare she!! Idiot. She thinks she can treat you like a punching bag because she's the grandma. There's no grandparents rights . 10 years. It's a long time to put up with someone like that. Don't let your partner bully you into anything either. You need SPACE!!!! Change your phone number and email etc.. If you can. GET RID. I did .

I completely sympathise with you OP.
My mil is a narcissist (has been diagnosed by my dh's therapist). She's made no effort to see the kids for the last 7 summer holidays. They do take them out once a year on their own. For ref, they live 20 mins away, are retired and in good health.
Recently they came round and she started moaning that they don't have a relationship with my 15 and 13 year old children. I lost my temper and told her that it was hardly surprising as they never see them! I used to give her dates and remind her to organise something and she would always make excuses. Her daughter had children 7 years ago..... funnily enough that's when they stopped being interested in mine.
She then started gaslighting me saying she couldn't remember the numerous conversations we'd had about organising dates. Amazingly my 80 year old mum remembers...
I gave up trying when my son who must have been 8 or so asked me if he'd done something wrong. I said what do you mean? He replied, then why doesn't granny want to see me anymore. It broke my heart that my son would either think he wasn't good enough for her or that he'd upset her in some way.
She is the centre of her universe and hates that I don't jump through hoops anymore.
I absolutely hate her now and would like to go nc, but my dh isn't ready yet and I don't want him to face her on his own