To have worked hard on being resilient but lost the ability to find joy in life

[pantaloonietunes]

I have been through a lot.
Up to my late 30's I had an optimistic joyful approach to life. I saw the good in everyone. I was a bit of a people pleaser.
I met my dc's dad and he was a raving narc, I was unprepared for the lengths he would go to but it was extreme.
It was like being in a cult. My life became very small as he slowly took control of all aspects of my life, by stealth, for my 'own good'. All the classic stuff.
I found the strength to leave with dc.

But family court. Brutal, brutal inflexible family court. Several times TIL I was financially and emotionally drained.

Now my dc has all sorts of trauma and difficulties.
I have worked on myself, on my resilience, my parenting skills, courses and cbt for ptsd.

My dc is very rigid and oppositional. Controlling. Very reminiscent of dad.

I am triumphing. But I have never found joy again, the magic of life. I find it hard to recover from public meltdowns not because of shame but sadness that their dad still has contact, he poisons their minds and all the hard work I put in is counteracted by his influence.

I see other kids being 'normal'. I feel trapped and sad.

I don't know, this all sounds so negative but I have fought and come a long way. More fighting ahead in terms of help for dc. But the feeling of joy has never returned.

My father died two weeks ago. Ex didn't let up his threats of court etc. If I don't do as I'm told.

There is no solution to him. No contact for me has helped.
I need a mechanism to trigger joy in myself. Anyone done this?

Can you afford to take the kids on holiday and get a bit of breathing space and remember what it's like for you all not to have to deal with his influence?

Thanks for replying.
Holidays are hard hard work at the moment, because of behavioural difficulties of dc. I am financially compromised because of court fees.

It's something to work towards.

But to have something to look forward to would be a start.

I don't feel like I'm depressed. I feel more resilient than I have ever done.
Just slogging away and not having that lovely feeling of being in your place in the universe, iyswim

I’m sorry you went through this but you are one strong lady!

I have two children with ASD and feel so isolated due to their behaviour when we go out. It’s not that they are naughty but it’s draining. Utterly draining.

My advice? Keep things totally simple. I’ve tried to go on day trips, plan huge days out at theme parks etc. It’s miserable. So now I find the joy in simple stuff. Perhaps start there? Engage in something he loves to do, even if it’s playing jn the garden.

Also don’t compare to others, and stay off Facebook! It’s the devils work for feeling shit about yourself!

notso aw thanks, yes small joys. Bite size!
I was in the park today and dc had a total meltdown- speaks to me in the same horrible way ex did which is so triggering. Ocd is creeping in to their behaviour and I am not giving in to it so extra anxiety and anger and it's just been such a shit day.

I feel for you OP. I’ve had times of prolonged difficulty in my life over the years, and know that feeling of just having to put your head down and get on with it. Troubles never come singly in my experience, they always bring a few friends with them. If your dad has only recently passed away then of course you are bound to be feeling particularly wounded.

What has helped me in the past is to build some small pleasure into each day in a structured way. For example, I knew on a Wednesday morning there was a radio programme I particularly enjoyed, so I’d make a point of listening to that. It would entertain me for a while, but also give me something else to think about and focus on. If life gets in the way, there are always the excellent catch up services so you can listen to it later. I found radio 4 particularly helpful for this, but you will find your own pleasures. Book searching in charity shops? An ice cream in the park? Think what has given you joy in the past.

Maybe when you’ve found some simple pleasures for you, you can then do the same for your DC? Take small steps, but keep working towards it.

I still struggle to find joy years later so I can relate to your post, but I have found rekindling old pleasures and hobbies is slowly working for me. Good luck with your quest, it is a worthwhile one!💐

I have also found talking books to be a very good way of destressing, and you can listen to them while you’re getting on with tasks. There are some free on YouTube, eg I’ve been listening to a book by Erica James recently- or you can pick them up secondhand very cheaply on eBay. They probably have them in your local library as well.

Also, find some comedy programmes you enjoy and make a point of watching those, very good for lightening the mood. I like Would I Lie to You? for instant silliness and a lift. 😄

Unlike Hope, I didn't find the small pleasures helpful. I found it temporarily distracting, but then when I had to return to the main issue, which I realised I was going to have to deal with for the next 10-15 years, I found that even more depressing.

I had resentment but didn't know who to direct it at :God, life, the system, this is so unfair.

You have my every sympathy.

I would look into getting some help for your DC first. They’re obviously struggling, quite understandably.

Call me shallow, but every 6 weeks I have a haircut and my eyebrows threaded. It makes a world of difference to me, I am looking after myself.
I ‘steal’ half day annual leave here and there. To come home and just have some headspace.

HatH

Thanks for the replies.

My dc didn't surrender to sleep til 12, they are 7 so way too late and I was desperate for that precious alone time .

Today is a new day. Being thankful and optimistic ( even if it's just an exercise and I don't 'feel' it' ) is something I try each day.

Dc has trauma counselling which has only just started ( term time only) but of course their dad wants to interfere as he has pr and wants control. I pay for it so hoping this will exclude him and give a chance for change.

I just don't feel my true self, that I am stifled and half formed. I'm not living a natural life. Joy was such a part of my life, I miss it.

Being in nature is one way, but with dc ocd and opposition it's so hard to get anywhere atm.

OP I just wanted to say your post really touched me. Lots of great suggestions here but the point I wanted to make to you is that i find if you WANT joy in your life, then you WILL find it.

Be kind to yourself- you've a lot going on.

Good Lord you've been through a hell of a lot. I'm so sorry to hear about the recent loss of your father too.

Right now, you're grieving. Life is unlikely to feel very joyful shortly after a major bereavement. Give yourself time and space, and allow yourself to feel sad if you need to. Just because you haven't had much joy in your life recently doesn't mean it has gone forever. You're doing an amazing job of holding everything together, and of dealing with the issues that have arisen, but you must be so tired from all that effort. Try to take a bit of time for yourself, and to do things that are simply pleasurable - sitting in the sun and relaxing for 10 minutes, having something you love to eat, taking care of yourself. You deserve it.

I found it was trying small new things that helped and finding something every day that is good. It might be trying something new to eat, make something you have never done before or go a different route or noticing a plant or animal or just a kindly human.

Finding a way to treat yourself like taking an extra long shower or borrow a book from a library.

It is also setting little goals and making it happen. Even brainstorming new things can help. Being optimistic that I would do just one thing on that list was a first step for me in lightening my outlook.

Many parallels in my life relentless I get it

Things which help

For dcfree bedtime children’s meditations has on YouTube to help sleeping

For me books on my phone with screen reader to help me get to sleep

Simplify life as much as possible

Maybe bring dc closer, set expectations more like a toddler, easier with lower expectations at weekends put a Disney film on and popcorn or other joint activities simple things like home made play doh - emotional coregulation stuff

Fewer transitions might reduce meltdowns

Sit with a nice coffee and check with a nice hot chocolate include dc, give predictability where you can, Little traditions together and routines for the two of you that are comforting like Saturday night pizza which can be looked forward to reliably and bring positive ritual to dc life

I'm sorry you're going through this.
How about a routine for yourself of listening to uplifting music with headphones and your phone for just 3 minutes every hour.
It's a way of getting through the day and something just for you, a lovely or sad song or chanting, music that's a treat, a gift to yourself every hour.
You deserve kindness.

So sorry you are going through this, OP.

What you need to remember is that your ds is not your ex, he is not something alien and scary that your ex has left behind to punish you. He is like yourself: someone who has been damaged by the trauma you have been through, but who unlike you is too little to deal with I.

My dd was damaged by a different type of trauma and also had meltdowns; when she got too old for the meltdowns she turned to self-harming.

We soldiered through- and no one could be prouder of anything than I am of the young woman she has grown into. And of knowing that I was part of that, when she remembers her at times shitty childhood she also remembers that I stood by her, that I stayed calm, that I didn't give in to her, but that I was still there and loved her. What you are doing for your ds now, OP, even if it doesn't feel like it.

What helped me was distraction techniques- to distract me rather than dd a lot of the time tbh.

Being kind to myself and trying to find small pleasures- what previous posters have said.

Accepting that it was going to take a long time and that I had a RIGHT to be angry.

Letting dd know she had a right to be angry, though she mustn't hurt anyone and I would make sure she didn't.

Accepting that she might need certain coping techniques that you wouldn't normally encourage in a child her age: we co-slept whenever she needed to, she sucked her fingers for a long time, we accepted that certain situations were just too stressful for her so tried to avoid them and that she needed more transition time than most children.

What yoohoo said about simplifying life.

Oh a lot of lovely suggestions, both practical and emotional. Thank you.

Yes to simplifying life, I find if I try to do too much it all falls down.

Thank you so much. I know, truly in my heart, that the world is a kind and lovely place mostly. You know what I'm saying.
I'm not 'mad' or 'too sensitive ' like ex tells dc. He doesn't get to write my story.
You are proof of that.

Your question and experience resonates so much with me. Simplifying life, therapeutic parenting and lots of talking therapy have helped me be more resilient and create a less oppositional life with the DC. But it is true that none of these things bring me joy. I think it is because they are in essence ways to manage rather than enjoy life. These holidays I sent my DC to holiday club for a week from 9 til 5 and took the time of work. I didnt travel or do anything amazing (which is how I would have found joy before horrible ex) but having 5 full days to myself did give me that light feeling of joy and getting something positive out of the world. I think it was the freedom, the not having to manage, to do as I pleased without having to consider others' reactions. I bought the DC small, nurturing gifts that showed I had listened to them over the past few months and that I kept them in mind. I was quite surprised about how positive I felt during this 'experiment'.