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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should biological mother be cut out?

21 replies

lovingmto3 · 27/08/2019 12:42

so a bit of background regarding my step daughter.

Myself an my partner always had my step daughter overnight every Mon Wed Fri with no issues with himself and ex co-parenting until around 3 years ago step daughter brought to her father's attention how she was being treated by her mum's boyfriend this included her being treated different than the other sisters him being volatile holes being punched in walls an doors he trains as a professional boxer. Turned out a few months later he attacked SD mother busted nose black eyes ECT. My partner contacted her to make sure she was ok an she promised he was gone an gone for good to my partner replying that if he was to come back an back to stay he would be contacting social services out of fear for his daughters safety. Few weeks later the boyfriend was back so social services was contacted and they ended up in court the judge granted an order where the boyfriend was not aloud at the family home while SD was present. SD mother broke this order a few months threw court proceedings an stopped going to court as she had lied to the court, social services and her own solicitor stating they were not in a relationship any more which they were an we provided evidence of this and also turned out she was preg with him. so 4 more occasions where she was a no show an would not answer her own solicitor the judge granted my partner custody of SD.

so 3 years down the line after months of begging SD aunty to try an talk some sence into the mother to have contact with SD who may i add is only 8 years old now and has 4 other sisters in the mothers full care finally agreed to have contact but only when SHE was ready an if she could have her back half of the week also so for the sake of SD we agreed. so the 1st meet was an emotional day for both as you could understand this took place at the auntys home with neither my partner or myself present as the mother wants no contact with either of us so we agreed. so 9 months down the line to were we are now SD has only had contact with the mother every other Saturday for 1 hour to 1 and half hour then spends the rest of the day with the aunty before she returns home to us. they live around 10min drive from ourselves we don't drive but for SD to get there we have been paying taxis not that minded at the start but now can't really afford it but the aunty drives but refused to help by picking her up or dropping her home. SD has been begging every week without fail for a sleep over with her mum even suggesting her mother to make her a little bed up on the sofa but it was a no and no every time other excuses she has used is she's trying for a bigger house to she's trying to sort a room to she's not got room for her to stay for 1 measily night SD got talking to her mother threw face time on her iPad last Wednesday an asked again could she please stay on Friday her mother's reply was maybe an she would need to sort times out for finishing work ECT. so as you could imagine after being told no every time to then get a maybe she was ecstatic an to her this was if course going to be a yes. so 3 full days of SD hanging on that maybe SD would be staying SD was gutted an heartbroken to be told at 6.30pm on Friday night that no she wasn't getting to go and have that sleep over and the reason why was because the mother could not TRUST US myself an my partner to pick SD up the following day. I tried everything to reassure the mother even suggesting I book the taxi on the app the night before an provide a screen shot but this wasn't good enough either and the more devastating news was SD cousin was staying with her mother the following night and SD being her daughter could not. My heart breaks and hurts so bad for my beautiful SD she has suffered so much more mentality and emotionally these past 8months with the little contact she has had than when she was having none! she has received nothing for Christmas and birthdays these last 3-4 years but all SD wants is her time love and care.
so now we are at the point of do we just step back and cut biological mother out?
please help

OP posts:

Goodlookingcreature · 27/08/2019 12:54

Yes, it’s hurting the child trying to force a one sided relationship. Stop.

Original poster

lovingmto3 · 27/08/2019 13:01

thanks for you input
it's hard as my SD wants a relationship with her mother but the mother sees her having SD for any period of time as helping myself an my partner out or giving us a break she can't seem to see the bigger picture

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 27/08/2019 13:03

I think it is explaining in an age appropriate way that sometimes adults can let us down. It sounds like this is damaging her so I would just stop it now

murderinc · 27/08/2019 13:07

I feel your pain and frustration. Ive been through something similar actually. My childs mother seen me as the target and not the child. So when i would ask her to step up and have her over night she would see it as giving me the night off or enabling me to maybe have a life which is horrible as its the child the ultimately suffers. Poeple saying to just stop it now. Its hard to stop it tho im sure when the child is 8 years old and fully wants this relationship its like catch 22. Damned if you do and damned if you dont.

murderinc · 27/08/2019 13:09

How would one word something like that to an 8 year old girl?

SouthChinaSea234 · 27/08/2019 13:10

I disagree.

It is in the child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with her mother - even where the mother fails to live up to expectations.

If you cut the mother out completely at this stage your DSD is likely to idealise her, and you will be storing up problems for the teenage years.

lau888 · 27/08/2019 13:32

I agree with SouthChinaSea234; it's better to wait until the child decides they've had enough of this paltry relationship. The relationship with the mom belongs to the child; it's the child's prerogative to call time on it. Otherwise, they may eventually come to resent you for blocking their contact.

I wouldn't go out of my way to facilitate disappointment though.

murderinc · 27/08/2019 13:35

yes 100% this. I would stop all the running for them. Let them come for her and and be responsible its only fair. So from now just let them come to you when and if they want the child.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/08/2019 14:42

How heartbreaking for DSD. I dont have any advice about cutting her out, either way it will cause DSD pain, I wouldn't want to add to the cause of her pain.
She just wants her DM to love her, if you stop her you might get blamed, although i don't blame you wanting to she doesn't deserve contact.

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 14:47

I'm surprised that the Court did not advise Sibling contact, at the very least.

Why is that not in place?

Loopytiles · 27/08/2019 14:48

I think that even given your DSD’s mother’s actions I would continue to facilitate (supervised) contact and seek to support DSD, for example by seeking counselling.

Does DSD’s mother still live with the partner who was abusive?

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 14:48

Also, you need to budget those taxis in.

lovemenorca · 27/08/2019 14:52

I could have misread
But how would you actually cut out the mother in any event?
The child lives with the mothers sister for half the week. So you only have involvement for half the time.

TwentyEight12 · 27/08/2019 14:57

I would like to say cut all contact as the woman is an utter waste of space and resources.

But...

I think you must ask SD what she wants to do. It is her in this relationship with her mother and it must be her who decides how she wants to go about that relationship.

They say love is blind, and I’m afraid in SDs case that appears to be true.

Juells · 27/08/2019 15:21

The child lives with the mothers sister for half the week

I understood that the child only went to the mother's sister on a Saturday, to facilitate the mother seeing her.

I agree with other posters, I'd try to let the child see her mother, but also try to get her to understand that certain things won't happen, like the overnight stay. Even if there is an overnight stay, it could be catastrophic - your SD will be 'the outsider'. In the kind of circumstances you describe, the other children will have been told she's spoiled or demanding or all sorts of shitty things. The mother is not ever going to transform into a good loving mother, she chose an abusive man over her child, she blames you for everything. So sorry you're going through this, it must be heartbreaking.

Original poster

lovingmto3 · 27/08/2019 15:29

no we have her here full time 7 days a week. on the odd occasion on a saturday she goes to the auntys house were her mother comes an spends roughly 1 hour with her stays at the auntys for another few hours then back home to us. just feels like they don't want her it's us always asking if she's going down or does her mum want to see her.

OP posts:

Original poster

lovingmto3 · 27/08/2019 15:33

we had never heard about sibling contact until a few months back when a counciler working with SD mentioned it to us is that somthing we need to speak to a solicitor about?

OP posts:

PepsiLola · 27/08/2019 17:12

Could mum pick her up?

Do you get on enough with aunt to talk to?

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 17:19

Sibling contact should have been put in place via the Court.

What was CAFCAS's recommendation on that?

Does the DD want to see her Sisters? Will the Aunty facilitate that?

Can you have civil conversions with the Aunty?

You can't cut the Mother out unfortunately.

It is as though the DD has been cut out of the Family. Is the Mother still with her abusive BF, is he driving this?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/08/2019 17:36

I have legal custody of - and raised - a child whose mother was like that. Poor choice in men and chose boyfriend over child. It is not good to deny contact but having contact is harmful too.
I told the child that his mother was welcome to visit him anytime IN MY HOME. I told the mother she was welcome to visit but NOT with any boyfriend and she must not be high or drunk. Child was allowed phone calls to mother. Mother was informed of and invited to any events in child's life - soccer games, tournaments, school awards assemblies. I even provided transportation. She would say she was coming but seldom actually attended.
The child is now a young adult and does not resent me. because he sees that his mother made no effort and never put him first.

IsobelRae23 · 27/08/2019 17:47

It’s in your dsd’s best interests to continue having contact with her mother. You stop that, and as she gets older and in her teens, you will be the one punished and blamed for it. Besides it’s not your decision in stopping contact. What has CAFCASS said?

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