To not know what to do? Split or wait

[Wolfie26]

Not really sure what I’m looking for but I am so unhappy and feel so trapped.

I have been with my partner for 3 and a half years. We don’t live together which we are both happy with but spend half the week together, go on holidays together etc. We also work together.

Three months ago he applied for another job. He wasn’t looking for a different job but it came up and he believes it would be his dream job. Unfortunately it is over 500 miles away. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster waiting to hear back but he didn’t get the job. However, they have since come back to him, interviewed him a few times and he is going to spend some time with them at their premises next month before they will hopefully make a decision (although they have made it clear they are in no rush to decide and it could be another 3/4 months before he even has a definite yes or no).

I have a child from a previous relationship and am not able to move if he does get this position. I told him that I didn’t feel long distance was right for me, explained my reasons etc and he spent a fair amount of time convincing me otherwise. He told me that he wasn’t looking for another job technically and if he didn’t get this one then that would be it.

He has now done a 360 (which I do understand, he has to do what’s right for him) and has decided that he would probably like to look for a new job anyway as he feels like he isn’t reaching his full potential in his current position. His field is fairly specific and any other potential roles would likely be a fair distance away.

We had a massive discussion about where we stand and he basically now said he doesn’t want to say he will try long term as he might change his mind when he gets a job. He ‘thinks’ he will but he doesn’t want to make any ‘guarantees’ as he doesn’t want to be held to anything. But he also doesn’t want to split up.

I just can’t stand feeling the way I do now. I feel like I was ending it and he convinced me otherwise just to change his mind. I understand people have to be free to change their mind but at the end of the day, I would think he should know by now if he wants to try and keep me in his life or not? I feel like so trapped. Even if I end it now I still have to see him everyday but realistically I feel like our relationship is now just doomed no matter what.

Sorry, not sure what I’m looking for! Probably more just a rant as I can’t actually speak with anyone in real life as he doesn’t want anyone to know.

It doesn't sound great, sorry OP. It seems likely that he will get another job at some point, and it sounds likely that this will be far away, and you're not up for a LDR. So even if nothing happens

Sorry, pressed post too soon!

So even if nothing happens soon, you'll always be wondering how long you've got till it goes wrong. I would seriously think about ending it rather than live in limbo like this.

Btw he doesn't get to tell you whether or not you can confide in a close friend or family member. That's your decision.

I think I'd feel the same as you. If you are committed to a long term relationship with your partner then you don't look for jobs elsewhere unless you're both in agreement (eg if it's enough if an increase to significantly affect family income and lifestyle and both agree that the one working away will fly in every weekend etc).

If you're not committed to a long term relationship then it kind of seems like there is little point. I guess he is more of a 'see how it goes' person and you like the certainty?

Had you any plans to move in together before this happened? How often would you see him if he did move away?

How old is your child? Do they have a relationship with him too?

It sounds very hard, but you've said you can't move and he is prioritising his work, so the best thing you can do is make a clean break now.

I would take the decision out of his hands and leave him. I couldn't live on the string that he's holding. He's basically looking for a better option whilst keeping you on hold.

Agree with pp. He’s not the only one who can decide if the relationship carries on or not. He doesn’t get to tell you what you can say to other people.

He’s told you he’s going to be looking for a new job and that it will probably be a fair distance away. You already know that you don’t want a ldr so you may as well cut your losses now. Yes it will be hard but it won’t be any easier next week / month / year.

He’s being an arse and keeping you dangling. Show him the door

I'd end it. You've been together 3 years and don't live together yet.
After 3 years he should know how serious he is about you and if he doesn't know for definite whether he would choose you or the job a long way away, then he isn't that sure about you. Sorry.
He doesn't see it as a permanent thing.