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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wait another year?

15 replies

Uncertain09 · 27/08/2019 11:10

So I just turned 30 this month.

My partner and I have been discussing having kids for years but we keep putting it off. We finally decided to start trying a month ago but have not yet been successful. However I keep getting cold feet.

I would love to take a month of work and travel around Europe. I feel like it would be our last chance for a long while - but we wouldn’t be able to go until mid next year.

But am I being a bit reckless putting off trying for a baby again? I’m not getting any younger and time feels like it’s flying! There is so much to see and do in life and so little time!

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2019 11:34

I know this sounds obvious but how many children do you want and what kind of age gap? If you want 3 with a 3 year gap then it may be silly to delay. If you want one it will probably be fine.

No one here can answer though as it's all just averages. If you have issues conceiving then have to go through IVF you may wish you had started earlier. If you conceive straight away you may wish you has taken the holiday

Has travelling been something youd always wanted to do or have you just had the idea and it is being used as a delaying tactic?

If I was you and I could afford it i would tru and become more informed so it's not just a random decision - pay to get a private fertility check for both of you to pick up on any issues, they can see quantity (and possibly quality? I'm not sure) of eggs left so can have a more accurate idea of how long you will be fertile for, and get your partner checked out as well

Also for reasons well documented on mumsnet I'd consider getting married first as well if you are going to be the one taking maternity leave or a career hit reducing hours etc.

I was 34 when I was pregnant with my first. I felt quite young. Fast forward 4 years and my youngest isn't yet 2 and I feel ancient! And just realising I will be working til I'm 60 to pay for their uni when I always wanted to retire earlier. And realising my parents who my children adore, are getting old (they had me quite late as well).

But we did have some amazing travels and adventures to places I'm not sure will be the same in 10 years so there are pluses and minuses to having kids at any age

30 is probably about average for a first child where I live so you do have time to make up your mind

MustardScreams · 27/08/2019 11:45

Do you definitely want children? Or is it something you feel like you should do?

BrokenTelly · 27/08/2019 12:32

Aw! I always wanted to be finished having children by 30 (didn't quite make it, was 31 when dd was born).
The thing is, it is never the right time nd you never have enough money, so you might as well go for it 😊

Forkinguglyandproud · 27/08/2019 14:46

In my opinion, if your undecided you're not ready yet. Do that holiday and see how you feel afterwards. Discuss well with the other half too and see if it's family \ societal pressure, making you think you should or if it's something you want to do. Better to wait and have 1 wanted child, than have several kids and suddenly realise it's not what you wanted.

QueenofmyPrinces · 27/08/2019 14:51

In my experience, if you find a reason to delay something important then it usually means you didn’t really want it that much anyway (at that point in time).

Go and do your travelling OP.

Chitarra · 27/08/2019 14:53

YANBU. It doesn't sound like you're ready yet, take your year off and enjoy it.

Joopy · 27/08/2019 14:56

Travel first, once you have a child everything revolves around them so your holidays are doing what they want to do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/08/2019 14:58

you just turned 30, give yourself some time.

FloatingObject · 27/08/2019 15:01

I think you have some time yet OP.

beccarocksbaby · 27/08/2019 15:09

You're 30 not 50.

Fertility issues aside there is no need to rush things!

I'm 37 yrs pregnant with DC2 and no one has batted at eyelid at my age

Surfskatefamily · 27/08/2019 15:11

It's only you that can decide... Tho you can travel with children it's just a lot more stuff and a bit more planning.

1ToughCookie · 27/08/2019 15:16

We kept putting it off too and likely would still be don't so except I started peri-menopause with severe symptoms and hormonal migraines 16+ days a month.

I was 28 when this onset and 29 by time time an endocrinologist finally told me that process of elimination meant hot flushes, night sweats, so on, meant I was likely going the way of my maternal family. Youngest menopause onset, final period aged 35 and oldest onset final period aged 45.

If you've been on hormonal treatment like the pill you'll have had no way of knowing if you're one of 100 who goes before age 40 (NHS website gave the stats), until you're off medication and have troubles.

My case was magnified because no conception, and following a tubal check both failed the dye test. Probably due to scar tissue of untreated endometriosis in my teen and young 20's, I'm guessing. Anyway, we were scheduled for laproscopic check prior to IVF when I came up pregnant. The wait time for the appointments, the tests, the appointments again, more tests, means you're waiting a year+ before you even know if there's a physical problem and if you're a good candidate for assistance.

Frankly, it's a terrible time and you might as well do the fun things you want to do while ttc. I wish I could have, instead of being housebound in severe chronic pain.

You might get lucky and get pregnant easy. But you also might end up waiting over a year while nothing happens and face agonising emotions during that period. I know I was appreciative of distractions. It's why I started a part time MSc once it became obvious there was trouble, and my condition meant that my previous job I was no longer physically capable of performing anymore.

Long story in my case. Probably won't happen to you. But it's probable that you'll take 4-6 months to conceive, too, and the doctors won't be concerned until a year's gone by.

So give it a think. The stats are on your side until mid 30s, but the time will zoom by, and then every month counts.

GizzardChops · 27/08/2019 15:22

I'd get cracking. I've just had my second at 35 with a 2.5 year gap. In hindsight I wish I'd started earlier and had a slightly bigger gap too. Maybe given myself scope to have a third if I wanted (I feel like I'm too old now, although not sure I want one but may have felt differently if time was on my side).

That's just my reasoning with the benefit of hindsight.

Quail15 · 27/08/2019 16:34

Travel and enjoy yourself.

I put off trying for a year after we got married because we delayed our honeymoon and I didn't want to be pregnant when spending 16 hrs on a plane or worrying that something would go wrong so far from home (or miss out on the local drinks/food).

We later struggled to get pregnant but it turned out we would have struggled if we had started to try earlier ( my eggs are crap) so I would have most likely have worried about that ( and tried to stick to a weird fertility diet) during my honeymoon if I had known about it - I don't regret any of my choices and now have DD who was born when I was 33. Plus great memories of an amazing trip which we could no longer afford to do until DD is a teenager.

Skittlenommer · 27/08/2019 16:54

Go and travel and enjoy your life!

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