AIBU to feel I didn't do enough for him when he was alive?

[berrymummy11]

My father died very suddenly and unexpectedly 8 months ago. He lived at home with my mother. Despite waiting on a hip replacement he was her career. My brother and I are now helping mum who has terrible eyesight and is generally old before her time.

DS and I are beginning to think she is a narsisist. (Sorry spelling) she is very lazy and a little controlling. We are starting to see how much my lovely dad had to put up with. She says outrageously rude things and can't understand why we get offended. She turns the poor sight issue on and off to suit her and she is becoming ridiculously religious. Watching the Catholic channels all day.

My uncle has told us that before Christmas Daddy said he was getting
To the end of his wits with mum and that he didn't know how long he could stay with her.

Before dad died I'd have taken mum out once a week and gone to visit 2/3 times a week. Now I have to go every day and she is also very demanding in an non obvious way. Ie she will ring and say she knows I'm really busy and she is such a burden but she needs me there now blah blah. I'll go there and it will be something trivial.

So last night I had a bit of a lightbulb moment. I'm feeling really crap that I didn't do enough to support my dad. He died and he wasn't in a good place. I know he was in a lot of pain and her behaviour must have helped. She's so lazy. He ran round after her and she did and does little or nothing for herself.

How can I get over this? I feel so so upset that I let my dad down.

Parents protect their children and that doesn’t stop when you get into adulthood. He didn’t want you to know as he knew you would worry.

Can you and your brother arrange for outside help for your mum so your not having to take everything on?

Try not to punish yourself. He chose to marry her and he chose to stay with her. He probably made it work over the years by having lots of little routines and strategies.

It's hard but it wasn't your job to rescue him. 💐

I agree with Sirzy.

It could be that your DM has got a lot worse since the death of your Dad. Grief, depression, or dementia even? Try not to feel guilty. I’m sure your Dad wouldn’t want you to feel that.

Well maybe you didn't but what else could you have done? It sounds like your dad wanted to shield you from the reality that was your mum. Maybe in hindsight he should have been more honest. But he was just doing what any good parent does, protecting his children.
There's not a lot you can do now, except remember him fondly for the good man he was.

You mustn’t blame yourself, you visited them a lot compared to most!
Your father stayed and loved your mother, it was his choice to make as an adult. Remember that he didn’t have to, but choose to.

Get some outside help or consider residential care for your mother now. Going every day is not going to work in the long term.

Thank you so much for your quick responses. I am so shocked at how much he did and how lazy she has become. She won't accept outside help at all and she tends to call on my brother more than me as he has no kids.

DS and I are going to make a plan to divide the week between us and try to resist the constant demands and controls.

She is really shocking me. I feel like I don't know her at all. My poor daddy put up with so much from her. I hope he is happy now. And getting a rest.

he's at peace now.

More than lazy she sounds highly controlling. You have to put boundaries in place and stick to them. Without knowing specifics it’s hard to suggest what she might benefit from but you must honour your dad by refusing to become her new slaves.

So sorry about your dad but take heart that he actually saw a lot of you and probably did have many strategies of his own for coping. Her behaviour may we’ll have escalated since his death as she is obviously grieving herself.

She does need support but you can only give so much. You need support too to deal with the two issues of your own grief (often combined with guilt) and the care needs and emotional demands of your mother.

If you can possibly afford it, pay for a carer to call in once a day for an hour. Between you and your brother it might be affordable. The current situation just has the pair of you stepping into your father's shoes. Try to limit your visits to once a week each, and don't do any running around for her. Sounds harsh, but her demands will only increase.

Ahhh bless you.
So sorry for your loss.
Hindsight is a great thing it`s foresight we need.
I wouldn't beat yourself up about helping your dad more,i am pretty sure he would have asked.

How old is your mum, OP?
Sorry for the loss of your dad.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.
Guilt is such a common emotion when we grieve the loss of a loved one. I’ve been there myself, always telling myself I could have done something to change the outcome. It’s so natural for you to feel that way. From the outside though I can tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. What could you have done? Besides you didn’t know the extent of your mums behaviour.
Could it be that your mum has in fact had a sudden change of personality, as opposed to you seeing the true side to her? Change of personality in old age can be signs of dementia (frontal lobe dementia). It’s something to consider.

she will ring and say she knows I'm really busy and she is such a burden but she needs me there now blah blah. I'll go there and it will be something trivial.
From a practical point of view, get all the details of exactly what her perceived issue is, and tell her you'll deal with it on your next scheduled visit. It really is OK to say no sometimes.

she will ring and say she knows I'm really busy and she is such a burden but she needs me there now blah blah. I'll go there and it will be something trivial.

I had an elderly neighbour who used to do this, it was because she was lonely. I couldn't spend the amount of time with her that she needed though. Eventually I got in touch with her relatives, and they organised a carer to come in every lunchtime to help out and have lunch with her. It made a huge difference to her quality of life to have company every day.

We've had a very similar situation in our family. My sibling and I have had to put very firm boundaries in place. Adult Social Services did an assessment of DM's needs and checked if she was entitled to any funding. We now have a carer every morning and meals on wheels. It's not perfect but does take the pressure off us.

Dementia has been diagnosed which explains some things but the entitlement and laziness is very difficult to cope with.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have taken comfort in them.

DM is only 70. Last summer we thought she was showing signs of Dementia. Daddy rang me to say she had walked the dog in her bare feet and was having terrible night terrors.

So We took her to GP who realised that the Prozac she has been on for about 10 years had been allegedly stopped by her hospital doctor (arthritis clinic) she didn't even
Wean it. Just stopped straightaway. So GP started it again and she was back to normal. But there are a few very small things that we don't know if they are dementia or attention seeking.

When she answers the phone she uses this really broken sad voice. Then when she hears it's me the voice is normal again! Cracks me up.

I understand! My father had this for years, in my mums case it is vascular dementia. He was at his wits end this time last year as the dementia deteriorated to the point she couldn't pretend it wasn't happening any more. Mum now in a nursing home and she has improved in some ways and got worse in others. They are of course used to dealing with difficult old ladies which has helped a lot with the nonsense.

You need to be firm and set your boundaries. Someone going in everyday seems a very good place to start. I'm sure she won't like it but it's not reasonable to expect you to do everything like your father did.

My mother is a narcissist and so is my brother, it took me years to see it, everything's changed now I see them for what they are. Do not engage with her when she starts kicking off. Even my brother now agrees she's in the right place, which is astonishing as he was vile to dad (and me) when dad made the decision that moving to a nursing home was in mums best interests.

berrymummy11, there's a great support thread in the bereavement section on mn, called anyone needing support after losing a parent. I'd thoroughly recommend it.

Ah the broken sad voice! I know that one only too well 😂. As soon as she realises it's me she's right back to her usual complaining.

@berrymummy11
I realised I missed out something rather important in my earlier reply.
Please don't feel bad. My father protected me and my brother who lives abroad from knowing just how bad mum had got and how much of an impact it was having on him. It was only when things got to a certain point and I was going over every morning with her agreement to get her up and dressed that I realised how dire things really were and he started to lean on me for support and actually tell me what things were really like. If he'd died suddenly like your father (he's 94 now so all bets are off) then I wouldn't have known the level of strain he was under until it was too late. I do think between them they didn't want us children to know the full situation. I had been told very clearly on many earlier occasions when I had expressed concern about something or other to butt right out and leave her alone by my mother. Dad and my brother if he was there would back her up! The trouble is our fathers get brainwashed eventually by these awful games day in day out and will do anything for a quiet life I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm pleased to hear that your DF did at least confide in someone about his unhappiness, I hope that helped him cope.

You can only do your best on the information available at the time. I wouldn't have returned to work had I known my mother was going to die in 4 days time.

You might want to post re your mother on the Elderly board. Remember you don't have to accede to all her demands, and that if you don't look after yourself you will be in no state to help anyone else, her included.

I second Dint’s post. Come over to the Elderly Parents board. Apply for Attendance Allowance to help pay for carers, it’s not means tested. And look after yourself.
By the way my FiL, turned to the church both times after he was widowed (twice), never bothered when he had a partner.

Guilt is a natural part of guilt, part of coming to terms with loss. Don't beat yourself up, you did what you could
Get an assessment and care for your mum. Decide what you can do and stick to it, don't be bullied

Thank you all so much. I'm gonna check out the elderly board and loss of parent boards. Thank you again xxx

I can totally relate to you. Our stories are almost identical I've been asked twice today if I've written your post under a different name. Feel free to message me.