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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How old is old enough to leave on own at night?

47 replies

Squirrel1234 · 27/08/2019 08:25

Hi.... we're meant to be going out on friday night, but can't find a babysitter. My husband thinks my 13 year old daughter and a friend that's staying (the same age) would be fine to be left on their own. We're not going far away. I'm not so sure though..... what age is old enough to leave on their own in the evening?

OP posts:
lifeinthedeep · 27/08/2019 09:12

13 is fine to leave alone in the evening. I wouldn’t bother with a friend as that may encourage mischief. I think it’s good for kids to get a bit of freedom (with ground rules).

I was left alone for a few hours in the evening from around 11/12. This was 10 years ago though.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 09:13

How do the girls feel about it? If they are sensible and will stick to some basic rules should be ok for few hours, no social media or inviting anyone. Don't answer the door. Does she know the neighbours or are you contactable if emergency? Have a fire drill and ring once or twice in the evening to check them. Pizza, popcorn and a film. Sorted.

Skittlenommer · 27/08/2019 09:13

My son is nearly 15 and I wouldn't leave him i just don't feel comfortable

Seriously??

CatteStreet · 27/08/2019 09:17

My own child, at that age, possibly. Someone else's, no way, even if the parents were agreeable.

(I say 'possibly' - it's never come up - my 14 and 12yo have been alone in the day, of course, but never in the evening and tbh I wouldn't feel hugely comfortable with either of them being on their own late, 15/16, more like it)

Graphista · 27/08/2019 09:17

I'm frequently amazed at how little mners trust their teens to be safe and responsible.

At 13 I was babysitting siblings, at 14 I was babysitting, including overnights, for money.

My own dd who's 18 was fine without a babysitter if I were out of an evening from about 12/13 initially a few hours, not because I couldn't trust her but to build her confidence gradually.

However as I'm clearly an old gimmer who's experience is out of wack with a lot of mners on such matters I'd say you're fine leaving your dd if you're confident you have a confident, capable, sensible child who will be perfectly fine on their own - the problem is her having a friend there, I wouldn't have that setup for the first time and I certainly wouldn't do so without checking with friends parents that it's ok as they may be the type of parents who think a child needs a chaperone until they're bloody 21

So for those reasons I'd give it a miss on this occasion.

Sotiredofthislife · 27/08/2019 09:21

are people really concerned that the average 13 year old and friend can’t be left alone for a few hours? Madness!

ASauvignonADay · 27/08/2019 09:24

I know several horror stories of leaving young teens and them raiding your alcohol supplies and being really unwell, or wandering off and staying out late. I wouldn't want to be held responsible if this was someone else's child, so I would carefully consider whether I trusted mine!

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 09:25

Yes I would. But make sure the friends mum is aware.

Pheasantplucker2 · 27/08/2019 09:26

I leave my sensible 11 and 9 year old girls together (because the 11 year old doesn't like being on her own) for an hour whilst I go locally. My 7 year old son (when he's older) will probably never be left; he gets up to mischief as soon as my back's turned!

I think - as ever - it depends on the children. Some are perfectly capable of being left at that age, some not.

I would ask the friend's mum - if she says no she may volunteer to have the girls at her place instead - problem solved.

WhatsNextMrsLandingham · 27/08/2019 09:46

Graphista - it really does depend on the child though. At 14 I was travelling the length of the country by train on my own. At 16 I had my own house and was travelling across Europe to visit family on my own (this was without speaking the language and also having to travel from the airport to their place of work on my own as they couldn't meet me). I don't think my own children would want that same level of independence, self-sufficiency or wanderlust. Things were very different back in the days when our parents crammed 10 kids into a 5 seater car.

Herefortheduration · 27/08/2019 09:49

My dd is 13, she'd be fine on her own for an evening. I wouldn't leave her overnight but certainly for an evening, with some nice snacks left out!

MonChatEstMagnifique · 27/08/2019 09:54

If they're sensible and comfortable with being left for a few hours, then I would. Just make sure their phone is charged in case they needed to call you and tell them not to answer the door to anyone.

Blueandredandblue · 27/08/2019 09:57

My parents were slack, but eve I wasn't left alone until I was 16. I wouldn't. Can you not let her have a sleepover at a friends

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 27/08/2019 10:09

We regularly go out leaving 15 and 13 year old being responsible for 7 year old.

Have left the eldest overnight a couple of times this summer.

Once they were at high school we trusted them to be sensible and no more babysitters.

Inset days they were home alone for more hours than when we went out for a couple of hours in evening.

Apolloanddaphne · 27/08/2019 10:13

My DDs enjoyed being left with a friend at that age when we had a night out. They would lie in bed watching crap on TV whilst eating their bodyweight in chocolate. The friends usually stayed over. None of their parents had an issue with this and my DD would often do the same at their houses.

kaytee87 · 27/08/2019 10:15

How long would they be left for? You'd need to let the other girls parents decide for her as well.

CremeEggThief · 27/08/2019 10:18

Definitely up to midnight on her own, but not with a friend!

HandsOffMyRights · 27/08/2019 10:24

I would be fine with my 13 year olds, but not the friend.

Keep phones close, no answering door and no cooking!

Strugglingtodomybest · 27/08/2019 10:55

I think it's fine so long as the girls are happy with it and so are the other parents.

Graphista · 27/08/2019 10:56

"Graphista - it really does depend on the child though" to a degree maybe but not massively so!

Assuming the child is healthy, NT and doesn't suffer anxiety issues relating to such a situation, then I would say most 13 year olds SHOULD be capable of being left at home for a few hours without doing anything completely stupid/irresponsible/dangerous.

Yes some of us had more relaxed parenting in the past but quite honestly I think we have in many cases gone too far the other way and are infantilising our offspring.

I've raised dd (on that score) similarly to how I was raised.

As I said she's 18 now, had her moans over the years that I was too tough on her compared to how many of (but by no means all) her friends were being raised, but since she started working, became an adult and mixing with people older than her and naturally discussing how they were raised she's come to realise and actually said to me, that she's glad I did things how I did.

She feels it's made her a more capable, confident and self assured adult, plus she's now noticing how very infantilised the friends who she thought had it "better" are. Those friends are now struggling with suddenly with little preparation being expected to "adult" on some things, while on others they're being treated like they're much younger - eg being expected to manage finances, many household chores, finding and keeping a job while also still not being allowed to use kettles or sharp knives (in case they hurt themselves - not kidding! 18/19 year olds not trusted with sharp knives! - in one case this included the mother telling them they couldn't take a job as it involved using sharp knives!) and being subject to curfews as early as 9.30pm! It's utterly bonkers!!

Our job as parents is to prepare them so that when they reach adulthood they're confident, capable, practical, sensible adults.

Weirdly I found the mollycoddling parents were also quite lax on discipline.

My dd also hated that there were certain rules I had for her that were non-negotiable when she was younger, these included prioritising education over socialising, having a sensible curfew and bedtime (which was adjusted as she aged), rules on mobile phone & SM use and NO lying.

The friends that are now being treated as if they're not adults when they are, when younger got away with being very late home on school nights, not doing homework and their parents had NO idea what was going on with their SM/phone use!

There's definitely an element of panic in the parents I'm talking about too, because frankly their lax discipline and lack of preparing their children for the adult world means those now adult children as they know their parents can't really demand certain behaviour are "going off the rails" in many ways and the parents are understandably scared for their children's health and safety. One has already written off 2 cars with crazy driving! Lots of excessive drinking and drug taking and unsafe sexual behaviour (not just unprotected sex but getting themselves into very vulnerable situations).

Dd is no angel, she's certainly had her moments but nothing too mad. She also has friends that have been raised similarly to herself. A few are from school/her age, but several are older in their late 20's/early 30's who she has met either at or through work.

A few times she has mentioned that they too are shocked at how some her age have been raised.

In addition to raising dd I've also quite a bit of experience with teens in voluntary roles (guides, scouts and similar youth organisations) and even as a 20-something adult working with them, this being around 20 years ago, the infantilising of teens was STARTING to creep in. It was particularly noticeable on camps when children being raised this way clearly needed far more prompting than they should have needed to cope with self care and who were genuinely shocked and even nervous about doing simple tasks like peeling veg, washing dishes or cleaning a loo! We had one who wasn't allowed to even use a veg peeler - not even a sharp knife! And the kid wasn't trying it on his mother had taken the scoutmaster to one side to insist her child not be expected to use anything sharp! 14 year old perfectly healthy, NT, capable boy. Absolutely no good reason for this. But at this time it was still relatively rare and most of the kids had parents who were perfectly ok with them being expected to pull their weight on camp.

I noticed it at uni too, both times I was a mature student, the first time again it was only a few students, but that was years ago and as the course was nursing it probably naturally attracted (and compounded by the recruitment process) more practical "can do" types anyway.

The 2nd time was a BA course and almost 20 years later, but I definitely noticed a significant increase in the number of students who were almost completely unprepared for adult life! Couldn't cook beyond putting something frozen in the oven, couldn't budget, couldn't do laundry, couldn't manage their time...

Myself and another mature student on one occasion on a social/group work prep visit to one of the halls ended up writing out simple, cheap recipes for them to try after witnessing 2 of them making a very odd attempt at making spag Bol in which they almost forgot the pasta needed water and hadn't defrosted the mince properly but had started cooking with it.

That and another incident where a younger student turned up to a seminar near tears due to a mixed wash accident in an oddly coloured t-shirt led to discussions about how much/little prep their parents had given them.

I was shocked that at least half had never cooked a meal from scratch or done a load of laundry until they got to uni!

IsobelRae23 · 27/08/2019 11:27

When I was 13, I was the baby sitter. Ds14, only stays alone until about 9pm, but that’s if I’ve nipped out somewhere. If I go out for the evening in 19 year old brother stays with him or his dad comes up and stays. I don’t feel comfortable leaving him after that.

tabbycat985 · 27/08/2019 12:02

At 13 I wouldn't have been trusted for lack of common sense, however at 15 my quiet & sensible younger brother was left alone for the night, he invited loads of people over & trashed the house, 'accidentally'Hmm

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