What can I reasonably do to cope with SIL and attitudes to time?

[SarahAndQuack]

I really like my SIL and enjoy spending time with her; her son is my daughter's absolute favourite person and she is delighted whenever he visits. However, I'm finding her attitudes to my/our time and plans really difficult to cope with. For example, today she was due to visit us, and at 10am today she (finally!) gave us an ETA of around 3pm. At 1.30, as I was doing some chores I needed to finish, I heard the doorbell and it was SIL. Who came in, asking where DP was and why she wasn't here, and explaining she'd sent a text half an hour ago with an updated time of arrival. I explained DP had taken DD out because she wasn't expected until 3. I didn't point out DP only has so many bank holidays and we'd already sat around until 10am to hear anything about SIL's plans (NB: not my choice - I'd suggested DP get on with whatever and SIL should be invited to join in when/if she arrived).

So SIL looks puzzled and gets me to phone DP and check plans. She's also surprised DP won't be taking a day off work tomorrow, despite DP having said this multiple times - today was the day we had free, as it's the bank holiday.

We've had this situation before, when SIL turns up very early, unannounced, and is bemused DP or I have to work, or we're not able to cancel work suddenly. I work mostly from home, and this is clearly a confusion.

But how do I deal with it? Simply saying 'please tell us when you are coming as last time you were ages early and we were busy' (DP was literally that blunt) doesn't seem to work! I don't want to make her feel she can't come, and I like her company, but it's really stressing me out.

Oh: and SIL lives 2.5 to 3 hours' drive away: it is not as if she's turning up early and we can just ask her to pop home for an hour or so.

Maybe it would be more useful if she texts you when she's leaving, then you have a reasonable window when she might turn up.

Well, sure, it would be useful! Any ideas how to get her to do it?!

We had asked for her ETA multiple times.

Maybe only make plans with her that you can also do by yourselves if needed? Eg 'we are going to the park at 1pm, if you fancy joining us? ' type things. If she shows up then great, if not you still have a nice day out and haven't ruined your day waiting around.

Go out next time and only arrive home shortly before she's due. Don't answer the phone when she calls ("oh sorry, it was in silent and I didn't hear it! And we weren't expecting you till 3"). It might be a pain if you don't really want to be out, but suspect you'll only have to do that a couple of times before she starts listening to you!

Could you arrange to meet her at other places so if she's late it doesn't matter as you'll already be there enjoying the place / activity? eg "let's meet up at the [venue half way between where she lives and you live]. we'll be there between 11 and 3".

Invite her in, make her a cup of tea and carry on with what you were doing up until the time she was meant to arrive!

YY, sun. Thank you, I need to do that. Annoying, though, because it's my bank holiday too and I'd actually like to do my own stuff, rather than avoiding my house for an 8-hour window, just in case she turns up!

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson -well, apparently I didn't hear her knocking for a few minutes today. She didn't seem embarrassed, just confused.

@CherrySocks - the only issue there is that DD is two, so she doesn't invariably last for four hours. She can sometimes, but other times she'll get bored or shattered.

@whenskiesaregrey - would you have the front, though? I'd be inviting her in, making tea, then either ostentatiously moving all my work from the table downstairs to my bedroom, or going into the room they're going to sleep in. If I didn't work at home, obviously it wouldn't be an issue, but it feels weird to let in an adult and an 8-year-old child and then disappear, especially since in conjunction with her puzzlement that DP and I have to be working tomorrow too.

You could say something like "sorry, wasn't expecting you until 3, so just need to finish off a few things. Here is the TV remote" etc. You're not being rude, but you're also making it clear that you are using your time to work and therefore can't just stop. If it's a one-off where traffic is misjudged etc, then it's different. But if it's regular, you need to show that you aren't just sitting around doing nothing.

Invest in curtains for your front window, draw them on a day she is expected, and ignore the doorbell when she arrives hours early. Also ignore texts and calls from the doorstep.

I think you're showing I just need to be more firm.

I'm really crap at it. I think if she came in saying 'oops, sorry, are we early?' I'd find it possible to say 'yep, you are, no worries, here you go'.

But the implication is always that we're already being rude by not taking more time off work/having work to do. I've tried saying I'm working and my nephew (8) will just wander into the room I've shut myself into and talk to me. He's not especially rude or demanding, but it is quite clear he and his mum don't think it's work if you are at home. And then, I can't face jumping in the car to go elsewhere to work, when they've just got there.

Cross post.

math, I feel an idiot - I thought the door today was DP coming back, as we will knock on the door if DD's asleep, so the other person can open it and transfer her into bed.

But YY, I should, and I should think about it beforehand.

Or rephrase, 'We weren't expecting you til 3,' to, 'You told us you were coming at 3 so we decided to do x, y and z until then.'

This makes it plain that she told you her plans and you made yours accordingly.

I really did do a lot of that today!

Every time it was 'oh ... I'm sure I said sometime today' or 'oh, I thought you'd be in today'.

I think what I can't get across to her is that this is actually a day DP (in particular) doesn't want to waste.

Get a lock for your home office door, tell them you're sorry they will be cooling their heels until you have your inbox cleared, make themselves at home, etc, go in, and lock the door.

If your SIL won't teach her DS manners you will have to.

Don’t ask her what time she is coming. Tell her what time to come.

Oh this would drive me absolutely crazy!! It's one thing I loathe when people think that their time is more important than mine. If it were me next time I'd just go about my business regardless, for example if she wasn't supposed to turn up by 3 I would have taken the children out and if she turned up earlier tough! She would have had to either wait in the car or come and join us wherever we were. So annoying!

If you can't face being firm, and she's going to be in the way being hours early, I'd give her some tasks: keeps her out of your way til your ready & you might as well use the extra pair of hands.. She could pick up some shopping etc, take the kids for a walk to the park.

Maybe it would be more useful if she texts you when she's leaving, then you have a reasonable window when she might turn up.

Not really. If someone is coming round for lunch, say, I expect to be able to ask them to turn up at 12 and not have to look out for texts announcing she's leaving at 9 a.m and will be with me by 10.

OP, no-one crosses my threshold until I know what day and time they are arriving and also what day and time they are leaving!
I get this info from potential visitors at the planning discussion stage of the visit.
I tell them I need to know for both catering purposes (true) and also so that I can make other life arrangements around their visit so that we can make the most out of their visit (not always true!).
I also request a text as they are leaving home "so that I make sure one of us will be in when you arrive".
You need to make your needs known much, much earlier than you are currently.

I think you need to be prepared to say "You said you were coming at 3 and I have to go out now, so see you then". And firmly pick up your keys and handbag and walk purposefully away. What she does to amuse herself in the meantime really isn't your problem.

Ideally, of course, keep a back door key available so you can sneak back home ...

It sounds like you have tried to tell her not to do this, but she's ignoring your wishes. This makes it OK to be 'rude' and either go out until she's due or let her in and ignore her.

Simply saying 'please tell us when you are coming as last time you were ages early and we were busy' (DP was literally that blunt) doesn't seem to work!

So, when she says she's coming round, don't ask her to tell you when she's coming. Say "Great, come at 3 pm. Don't come before then because we're busy". If she does turn up early, be prepared to ignore the doorbell or, ideally, disconnect it.

Thanks all! TBH I think I just needed to be reassured it's ok to be ruder than we have been.

You know this is what she's like, so you need to preempt it next time by setting times and being clear that other times are inconvenient. E.g. "If you're coming at 3pm then I'll have DD down for her nap and get some work done, please don't knock until 3pm because you'd disturb us." Or "Please be here at 12pm for lunch, we'll be out in the morning so we won't be at home until 11.30. DD likes to eat early, so please be on time or I'll need to feed her separately. Thanks"