To want another baby

[Laurel12]

My DC1 is nearly 10 months and while I'm not planning on falling pregnant immediately, I would like it to happen in the next six to twelve months. OH isn't so keen as I had three months on bedrest at the end of my pregnancy. I'm also still breastfeeding and don't feel like my libido has come back. He worries we don't have enough time for each other. I'm more in the camp of thinking we can go back to that post babies.

Sounds like your marriage could suffer & your first dc is still really young, I wouldn’t personally, I’d wait a year. And I say that as someone with 2 children 23 months apart.

If your DH isn’t 100% on board and you think your relationship needs some work then I’d wait and prioritise each other and your existing DS. Also how likely is it that you will end up on bed rest again and is your DH’s work compatible with providing full time care for your DS should that happen? Honestly it doesn’t sound like a great idea given the current circumstances.

Are you married? What are your circumstances / plans with respect to paid work?

We are thankfully financially secure and I will likely stay off work until DC is in school (age two to three where we live). We have a wonderful relationship emotionally and I'm making an effort with the sexual side of things but appreciate general concern about that. 👍🏻

I should have added that bedrest is likely again due to a short cervix (in hospital from 24 to 26 weeks then strict bedrest until 36, DC born right in 37 after a short walk).

But are you married, OP?

If not, you need to think carefully about getting the legal protection of marriage, especially if you're thinking of having a second child.

It sounds like you'll need bedrest again in another pregnancy. Maybe more a second time round.

Perhaps your partner is worried about the amount of time he will need off work when this happens?

How are you going to look after your current child if you are on bed rest?

What are your plans for childcare if you were out of action for 3 months again?

I would listen to his concerns. Most people find a baby negatively impacts on their relationship and so if he has concerns I'd address them first. Your baby is still very young so i can see why he wants to have some time out of the really intense phase and make sure your relationship is back where it was before trying again. I think if you show you're listening to him and concentrate on you as a couple and trying to make a bit more time for yourselves etc and review in 6 months you'll both be in a better place to make a decision

I agree with your husband. If you're happy to be a single parent crack on. But I don't know how you'll do that without stealing his sperm

Not married but OH has suggested marriage to navigate social security support (my parents never married and it was never a 'dream' or requirement of mine). The worry about caring for DC if I'm on bedrest will always be there I think, until the point that they're in school. I suppose we could wait until then, even though I'd like them closer in age.

Please be aware that you have no financial security if you split up and are not married.

I'm not saying you will split up of course, but you could potentially end up being a single parent of two children with no financial support.

You said in your OP that your partner thinks you don't have enough time for one another at the moment - and you think you can go back to that post-babies.

You can't. It gets harder when you have more children. It doesn't mean that your relationship becomes easier once your children are no longer babies - you wait till your baby becomes a toddler - and then you're thinking of adding another baby to the mix?

That's fine and most of us have done that. But to think you'll have more time to work on your relationship once your children are out of babyhood is very short-sighted.

Having said all that, if your partner is prepared to look after you and your first baby while you're pregnant again and on bed rest (and the baby will be a toddler by then, so much harder to look after) and you're willing to take the risk of having DC with a man to whom you are not married, then crack on.

Personally I think you are not really seeing what is absolutely going to happen when your baby starts to walk, talk and have tantrums.

And can you clarify what you mean by "navigating social security support" ?

Are you on benefits or likely to be so?

Two is so much harder. I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. She is really good as she is able to help play with him or choose his outfits but it is still very very very very hard.

I have had a meltdown last week as I haven't had any time at all to myself the last few weeks and I have a husband who works from home so around to help.

It is still hard because they will nap clash. You won't get much sleep.

If he's not sure, then don't do it. Wait. I know it sounds hard as your hormones are telling you "hey look I got this one down! Let's have another!" but you will be pregnant and have a toddler. That is not an easy time as they start to test boundaries and tantrum a lot when tired, overwhelmed, don't get their way, or even about being given the "wrong" plate.

Also remember that every baby is different. My little girl could only sleep on me. My little boy I put on his play mat with a blanket to sleep. What if you get a clingy baby?

As I said, if with all of this your husband is not 100% he will hold this against you. Wait until he is ready. Make this a team. Make time for the two of you and enjoy your little one while you can give them all of your attention.

You’re not married, and a SAHM, so very financially vulnerable. Unwise!

Get married.

How would you manage another three months of bedrest with a toddler? My 18 month old needs a good run round twice a day (he's part puppy).

OH not keen, already stretched with one, physical complications likely, NOT MARRIED.

You need to secure yourself (not dependent on your OH) before adding even more stress and limitations on yourself with another child.

Tbh it doesn't sound possible if you will need to be on bedrest again. You will need to wait until DC1 is at school surely. I'd be putting the needs of DC1 before my desire to have another child

What will you do with an 18 month old while you are on bedrest for 3 months?
Why not wait until he is in school (age 2 or 3 you said) and then try?

Does your husband's work hours allow him to do the school run if you wait until dc1 is at school?

Dear God woman! You are in a precarious position and you want to actively double down on that position. Your partner has quite rightly raised his concerns and your solution is to say yeah, yeah it can wait.

Do you have an independent source of income from your partner? If not, you need to think long and hard about your decision to be dependent on someone else. Your parents relationship is not a mirror of your relationship with your partner.

In 2019 and being a member of MN there is no excuse for your lack of understanding/ interest in the precariousness of your situation.

I think you need to

Get married

Discuss who will look after first child while you're on bed rest

Then figure out when to TTC again.