...to not be sure.

[Ashamed2BFeeling]

My DW and I have been trying for a baby now for getting on ten years. I have a condition that causes me to have a very low sperm count. The chance of me getting my wife pregnant naturally is very low.

After two IVF cycles, my wife carried for two weeks before miscarriage. We were both heartbroken and decided to wait awhile before trying again.

Awhile soon turned into four years. Now my wife wants to try again using donor sperm. AI from a private donor.

I have read AIBU for years and always thought "why don't half of these people speak to their partners rather than posting on AIBU."

Now I get it.

I so want to give my wife the baby she would so dearly love but I can't. And yet I'm selfishly nervous about raising a child that is my wife's but not biologically my own.

There's no danger of cheating or anything like that in order to get the baby we dearly want (just to clarify).

I guess my AIBU is "AIBU to feel this way?" I'm a little ashamed to be so petty.

I don't think it's selfish or unreasonable. But is it a deal breaker for your DW? It is something to sit and discuss because she needs to know where your line in the sand is.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It’s not petty, it’s totally reasonable. It’s a very big decision. I would say that in principle, the child is just as much yours, there’s more to being a dad than genetics BUT that’s easy to say, and harder to feel for someone in your position. You need to come to terms with the child not being biologically yours before proceeding.

My take - I am lucky enough to have conceived and given birth to my daughter. When she was born, even though she was genetically mine I felt relatively little for her a while. The love i now feel comes from the relationship we have, and not the genetic link. There’s every chance that having built a bond with this child from birth, the lack of genetic link won’t matter to you when their face lights up when you walk through the door. But it has to feel right for you.

It’s a very difficult situation you find yourself in and I hope it works out

I don't think you are being petty or unreasonable, and I wonder if its possible to have counselling to explore your feelings and see if you can honestly change them.

If you can't, you have to tell her.

I don't know if I can change my feelings. I want to but is that enough? I guess, ironically, it comes back around to having to speak to her about it and potentially breaking her heart. :(

Well we spoke about it last night and I had a little cry. Going to see my Dad for a chat down the week.

Right now, I still don't know one way or the other.

It's not remotely a petty issue to have to deal with the psychology of bringing up a child that's not biologically yours. I don't think there's a right or wrong to this to be honest, only you really know how you feel about it and whether you can handle it in the long term. If you can then it's a great thing, but you shouldn't be judged either way. Don't give yourself a hard time. Is it really the only viable option? You've obviously conceived once with IVF...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It's not unreasonable nor petty for you to be having these feelings. I'm not familiar with the procedures, but is it possible for you guys to try IVF again?

No. At the time of our last cycle, I had some lazy swimmers. Now I have none.

My ex dh had a zero sperm count - we were devastated when we found out and did discuss AI by donor. We eventually decided against it, we were uncomfortable with passing off the child as DHs and equally uncomfortable with being open about using donor sperm! We also happened to watch a TV documentary which looked at the effect of donor AI on children which gave us a lot of food for thought.

It is a huge decision and not one to rush into, it isn't for everyone and you should not go ahead out of a sense of duty or feel guilty if it's not for you.

It's really hard, and I think part of the problem is that you and your wife would have different biological relationships to the child. I wonder if it's time to also start considering adoption?