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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my son and his GF could eat with us?

21 replies

ILoveJoeBrown · 26/08/2019 20:02

DS20 and his GF currently treat the family home like lodgers. Most of the time, we are happy with this. He's very independent - good on him. However, are we BU to expect that if we invite them to eat with us [like tonight for BH bbq] they might actually want to?

Apparently, they had a bbq at the GFs last night and they have eaten out with GFs parents numerous times. What's so wrong with his own family - aren't we good enough any more? Feeling quite sad that they won't sit down with us.

I like his GF very much and we often have little chats, so nothing wrong there? Is it just that DSs aren't as close to their family as DDs [I have 3 DSs so nothing to compare him with!]?

OP posts:

Seeline · 27/08/2019 12:55

What was the reason given for not joining you?
Did you give them plenty of notice or was it a more spur of the moment type thing?
Does your DS realise how much it means to you?

Cheeserton · 27/08/2019 12:57

One invite? Or do they always turn you down? If the first, YABU.

Fairylea · 27/08/2019 12:58

Do they actually live with you? It might be they don’t realise how important it is if they see you all the time - whereas the GfS parents are somewhere they have to actually visit.

BarbedBloom · 27/08/2019 13:01

If they had a BBQ the night before I can see why they didn't want another one the following day to be honest. Also, they live with you so I am guessing that is why they eat with her parents, to balance it out. Why not suggest one meal a week to start with?

Sadly this does happen, some women are close to their parents and some men just go along with it. Plus when we lived with my MIL for a short period I did want to get out of the house for a few hours a day even though she is the loveliest woman.

Just try talking to them about it and plan one meal a week for now

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2019 13:03

Have a chat with him and listen to why.

Do either of you smoke etc?

There's family members i won't eat around because of table manners, or commenting on what i eat etc.

Would you rather he moved out? It might be that she's willing but he isn't.

Ragwort · 27/08/2019 13:34

Do they both live with you, it's not clear from your post? If they both live with you then I would think it is very rude that they are happy to use your house but not to have the courtesy of sharing meals with you.

My DS lives at home, as does his GF, but tends to spend more time at his GF's house with her family than she spends with us, I think that's often just the way with young men. My DS tends to do more of the driving so it is probably easier to drive to her home rather than pick her up, come back to our home & then drive her home again.

Original poster

ILoveJoeBrown · 27/08/2019 22:47

They both pretty much live here. Both their jobs are local to here, so yes, it's more of a 'treat' to go to GFs parents.

That said, they never seem to want to eat here. They come in, go upstairs and eat in DSs room. We only ever see them as they are going in or coming out, and even then only get a grudging 'hi' if we are lucky, although GF will stop for a chat if she's not rushing off to catch her bus to work in the morning.

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 23:11

They're adults trying to have an adult relationship together as far as possible, so I can absolutely understand why they eat in their room. I realise you are doing them a favour by letting them live with you, but I'm sure as a couple they'd prefer to be living together in their own place if they could afford it.

When I was teenager my sister and her husband lived with us for a few months and they never ate with us either. Because they were a couple and wanted to live as one, rather having eat their dinner with mum and dad and little sister every day as if they were still 15.

I suspect that when they move out, they'll be more than happy to come over for a barbecue or something.

Skittlenommer · 28/08/2019 03:23

If they could snap their fingers and be moved out they probably would, they’re two grown ups trying to have a relationship under the roof of his parents!

Give them space!

Tinkity · 28/08/2019 03:45

Um... is this the DS that your DH wanted to throw out of the house because they don’t get on with each other? I think you told your DH to treat him like a lodger which has helped because they now only say hi & bye?

If it’s that DS, then there might be other reasons they don’t want to eat with you to be honest.

CheeseChipsMayo · 28/08/2019 05:10

I had this with bf parents who were hideous(im sure you're lovelyOP!)&insisted on us joining them for dinner couple nights a week-it was never pleasant..she was uptight&ocd like in her cleanliness/order obsessions which meant normal convo was impossible&he just stared unashamedly at my tits..we endured it all as we were saving to do a RTW trip😂 Seriously tho-theyre young&would move out if they could im sure-if they dont chose to eat with you take the hint-we cant force ourDC to spend their time with us&why bother if its clear theyre not keen?

OooErMissus · 28/08/2019 05:13

He's very independent - good on him.

No he's not - he lives with his Mum and dad.

Butchyrestingface · 28/08/2019 05:28

Can you clarify, OP?

BlackCatSleeping · 28/08/2019 05:53

OK, so maybe there is a back story here. If your son doesn't get on with your OH, then perhaps that explains why he doesn't want to spend time with him? Surely, at 20 with a steady GF, he is thinking about moving out. Are they saving up to move into their own place?

BackBoiler · 28/08/2019 05:58

Do not blow your cool about this. I know someone in a similar situation and it didn't end well.

pictish · 28/08/2019 06:35

“Surely, at 20 with a steady GF, he is thinking about moving out.“

Well I’m sure they think about it...but with the cost of even a ‘cheap’ rent being astronomically and prohibitively expensive now, it’s probably not a goer. You can save a deposit but not for the monthly rent.
Surely?

AngelsOnHigh · 28/08/2019 06:53

My best friend's DS does exactly the same thing.

Every weekend they are at GF's family, fishing and boating or meeting up with friends. Which is fine, but they leave a week's worth of washing and ironing for her to do.

They miss out on important family functions when they clash with her family.

I zip my mouth well and truly shut because at the end of the day she is enabling them.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 28/08/2019 06:56

I get this, they need space. When they go to GF house they are just visiting but with you it's where they live. The solution would be for them to move out but I'm guessing they can't afford this. What is their long term plan, are they saving? Could you explain how you feel but say you understand they need their space, maybe say e.g. have Sunday dinner together? Or if you can afford it take them out for dinner so it's a deliberate socialising time?

Ragwort · 28/08/2019 08:18

Without knowing the back story (does your DS get on with your DH, is your DH his dad?) it is hard to know the facts but really you should have set out expectations before enabling the girl friend to move in.

There is no way I would be happy with my DS trailing food up to his bedroom to eat ... do they use (& clean up?) your kitchen? Who buys the food?

But I wouldn't be encouraging my DS to have his girlfriend move in anyway, I know it's tough for young people but either you act like a responsible adult and chat and mix with the people you are (probably) lucky enough to live with very cheaply or you get a house share with others.

Original poster

ILoveJoeBrown · 29/08/2019 20:06

yes! The atmosphere at home is good because they don't really talk to each other. I miss the chat myself though and just wish GF would be more chatty with me? Maybe that's the crux of it? DS chooses not to speak to DH unless he has to, so that gets picked up by GF and she doesn't want to talk to me either?

Not sure I really get it? In terms of them moving out, I'm sure they would if they could. However, DS spends his money like water. I have discussed rent with DS, but as he buys all his own food, does his own laundry etc, I don't see the point. But, he isn't saving up for a deposit as far as I can tell, as he buys & sells designer gear all the time. He changed jobs recently and still had to ask me for a sub to buy the travel card he needed to get there.

He will be paying me back when his pay comes in, but he's been earning already, so obviously spending it all because he 's living with Mummy & Daddy can !

OP posts:

Ragwort · 30/08/2019 12:24

Well if you think the atmosphere at home is 'good' because your DS and your DH don't speak to each other I can understand why he doesn't want to eat with you. Sounds a really odd set up, like a house share, not sure I'd want to live like that. I'd rather be on my own in a cosy one bed flat than with other people who don't communicate with each other. .... are you honestly happy with your home life? Sounds like you are not really treated with respect by any of them.

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