Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Not to collect him from the festival

44 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 26/08/2019 10:25

I had pretty bad news on Thursday.

As a distraction I booked and paid for two tickets to a festival with my on/off partner.

Friday night was fine, although I could tell he was itching to meet his friends that were there. I wasn’t in the mood so asked if we could Saturday instead.

As the festival is local and family friendly, on the Saturday we collected our toddler from her nanny and brought her for the day, with nanny planning on collecting her in the evening. As the day went on I decided I would go home with her that evening instead. Straight away partner said he wanted to stay, a bit crappy given that I was obviously struggling a bit but ok.

Sunday the plan was to take my two older girls plus the toddler and have another family day as I knew they would love the closing ceremony. I agreed to meet partner at 1:30-2pm in the tent. Got there, he wasn’t there. I left him a sign tell him where to meet us. Again, a bit shitty because the toddler was crying for him. I also tried to ring his mate who said he wasn’t with him at the minute so I left a message to get him to call me. Eventually at 3pm he calls and comes over. Said it was too hot to wait at the tent so had gone to the shade. Again, pretty shitty as I couldn’t relax as I was worried.

Then last night, we took the girls back to the tent at 11am. They fell asleep and he said he’s going to get food. He didn’t come back till 2am so obvs has been off partying again!! In that time the toddler had woken and was hysterical, the eldest needs the toilet and so did I (dodgey stomachs) neither of us could go as I couldn’t fit me and toddler in the stupid toilets and I couldn’t leave her.

When he got back at 2am I said we were going and he needed to stay with the tent.

Now it’s the next day. I am
Not prepared to park up again, walk all that way and help him put down the tent. He will need to ring me and arrange a meeting point. He said last night he’s lost his phone but he’s not stupid, he could find his friends who is he always so desperate to meet and call me.

AIBU not to go back to the festival, where I’m not sure I could even park again and walk to help him with the tent.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 26/08/2019 11:59

It does sound as though you would be better keeping him as 'off' now. He's not exactly pulling his weight, is he?

wizzler · 26/08/2019 12:01

Its difficult to comment without understanding the impact of your news.. It could be anything from not getting an interview which would be annoying, to really bad medical news. If its the latter, I think he should have been much more supportive.

Either way, he doesnt sound as if he considers himself part of the family unit

ThirstyGhost · 26/08/2019 12:04

It just sounds like he's not really there for you. More so because you say that's the reason it's an on/off relationship. His behaviour at the festival is typical I'm guessing but you were hoping he might step up because of your bad news. I'm feeling a bit old and jaded today, because I'm thinking really what's the point of being in a relationship with him if he's just a bit shit and lets you down a lot? You'd have had a better time at that festival with a good mate or family member. but sometimes recently I dream about living in a field on my own in a caravan with my dog so possibly ignore me

supersop60 · 26/08/2019 12:14

ThirstyGhost - me too. I want a Campervan.

OP - he sounds flaky re arrangements. Is he basically a good, kind person? If so, I hope the counselling works out. If not, you're better off, 'off' rather than 'on'.

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 26/08/2019 12:16

@ThirstyGhost yes it is typical. Although he really wanted to give it another try and we have had some good conversations lately about him letting me down and I thought he got it. I was clearly wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

Sharpandshineyteeth · 26/08/2019 12:16

Complication factor is that it is bad health news and I could really do with his help in the next few months.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 26/08/2019 12:21

I don’t think either of you come out it it well to be honest. Did you really expect him to decide to drop everything and go home from a last minute planned trip?

I think really the mistake was booking the tickets in the first place. Sometimes impulse ideas aren’t the best.

BMW6 · 26/08/2019 12:27

You need his help, but do you think you will get it?

Aderyn19 · 26/08/2019 12:27

You can't rely on him to give you the sort if help you need, so best to be planning as if he isn't part of the equation, then he can't let you down. Make sure he is contributing fairly to the costs and childcare for your shared child , but I think that's as much as you can expect from him.
If you make plans to live without him then anything else is a bonus.

candycane222 · 26/08/2019 12:36

How he can help you is by being reliable. How he can be a good dad is by being reliable.

This can include agreeing to less, but coming through 100% of the time. It should also include being honest with you AND HIMSELF about what he is and isn't going to do. He can offer this as a (co)parent and friend - perhaps more honestly and 'solidly' than as a partner

For me those would be the priorities - reliability, reliability and reliability.

Perhaps this is something you could tackle together in your counselling?

everyonecaneffoff · 26/08/2019 12:48

He sounds totally flaky and I agree with others that it would be better if he was your off partner rather than on-off.
As you've had bad health news he should have been much more supportive.
I think the festival was booked at short notice and then not planned properly. It sounds a bit chaotic with collecting children, dropping them off, coming back again etcetc. He'd probably thought the festival was meant for the two of you and to meet up with friends rather than a family weekend. In his eyes, the purpose of the trip changed halfway through. However, I think he sounds unreliable because he can't meet up at an arranged time. Does he do this often?

Bowsy5 · 26/08/2019 12:58

I've voted that YANBU but it sounded a bit too higgledy piggledy for me. First it was the two of you, then the kids, then them home, then them back etc. I suppose he didn't know whether he was coming or going. He was in the spirit with his friends, you wanted it to be family after a while. Poor planning and different end goals.

Newgirls · 26/08/2019 12:58

Communication between you sounds like sessions with a counsellor would really help - balancing adult fun with young kids is a nightmare. stuff like a festival is really tricky imo I always feel I’m slightly missinng out and don’t want to watch the pirate shows etc so it’s loads of planning to make sure we all do a bit of what we want. Not easy especially when thinking about bad news and on a hot day

Fairenuff · 26/08/2019 13:08

I think it was poorly planned and communicated. You both had different ideas of what you were doing and you kept changing your mind anyway. I'd give him a break on this one and work on your communication skills - both of you.

ChicCroissant · 26/08/2019 13:10

Sorry to hear about the bad health news, OP.

However, it does all sound very disorganised with the on-off partner and last-minute festival with constant comings and goings from you (did you really leave with the children at 2.00am - why didn't you leave when you all felt ill instead of waiting for him to return?!) so YABU IMO. I think it was a little unrealistic to expect him to keep meeting up with you when you turned up, and I do wonder if you just waited for him to return at 2.00am to tell him you were leaving!

If you think you will need support over the next few months I would plan it carefully in advance and not do any last-minute stuff. Sounds really disruptive for the children as well tbh. I'm assuming it was a family-friendly festival that is quite near me

BestestBrownies · 26/08/2019 13:27

He's just not that into you.

Cut your losses.

katewhinesalot · 26/08/2019 18:09

Will he be supportive as an off partner? That could work better without all the trying.

wizzler · 26/08/2019 18:28

What did you decide op?

Soontobe60 · 26/08/2019 22:16

It all sounds chaotic to me. You decide at the very last minute to go to a festival. A place where you have zero privacy. You complain that your dp want some to meet up with friends, which is a typical thing to do at a festival! You then decide to bring your toddler and arrange for her nanny to pick her up, but then decide to go home with her, but your dp wants to stay. He stays, you arrange a meet up within a wide timeframe but he wasn't there. He got there soon after. You stayed up with the kids until almost midnight, then decided in the middle of the night to go home??? You then arranged to meet him the following day to help him get all the stuff home. But now you don't want to do this.
I think if I changed my mind so many times my DH would be pretty pissed off with me! It sounds like you wanted him to just fall in with your ever changing plans and when he didn't you decided he was a tossed. Regardless of all this, how confused must your dc be??.

Flip

1 2