DH keeps forgetting about our baby

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Name change as this is outing and would crush DH.

We have two daughters, both were planned and very much wanted. DH is a brilliant husband and has been a fantastic and loving father, but I’m starting to worry if I can trust him with our baby. Our baby is the perfect baby, very chilled, slept through since 4 weeks and she only cries when really hungry. Complete opposite to DD4 as a baby, DH was extremely attentive with her, would hold her for hours and was constantly watching the baby monitor. With our second baby, there has been several unbelievable incidences where he has ‘forgot’ about her.

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed. On numerous occasions has forgotten to pack anything for the baby, only snacks, clothes and toys for our older child.

At a christening, DH passed 7 week old baby to distant family member who wanted a cuddle then had started to talk to various friends, the family member couldn’t find him to hand baby back, so she was passed around various people - some of which I wouldn’t of wanted to hold her until MIL rescued her. I had arrived late to the party, as I waiting for DD to wake up in the car. MIL confronted him before I had the chance and DH said he had forgot he had her begin with.

His excuses are mainly, he thought I had her or she’s just so chilled... he forgot she was there. I have a hard time leaving my tiny baby as it is, but now I’m worried she’s not safe with her own dad. Especially with the stories I’ve read about babies left in hot cars He is an intelligent man - with a very serious professional job and I don’t think he understands how worried I am. This weekend, we’ve had a lovely weekend as a family and I have some lovely photos of him loving on both of our daughters, but his carelessness with our baby is affecting my relationship with him.

Am I overreacting?

[Crotchgoblins]

I think he is probably just adjusting to a new baby who is very different to your first

[petyeti]

You’re not meant to feed according to a feeding schedule.

Not true if you have a 'sleepy starver'. Otherwise they don't gain weight.

[madeyemoodysmum]

My mum left me in my buggy outside a shop. She walked home for ten minutes before she remembered she had a baby. 😱

[Biancadelrioisback]

My DS was very jaundice when born, spent 2 weeks under phototherapy lights. Feeding schedules were very important to help make him better. He has bilirubin levels were checked every other day for up to a month. Don't assume that all babies will signal when they're hungry. DS never cried for food as he was really lethargic. If he did cry, he was too hungry and wouldn't be able to latch or finish the feed. If we did miss a feed I would have to tube feed as soon as I realised. I had reminders set in my phone every 3 hours to wake me up to feed as per the specialists instructions.

OP, I fully understand why you're worried. I worry all the time about my DS, less so now as he is very vocal and doesn't nap (2 yo so non-stop chatting). My biggest fear was him being left in a hot car. I became almost paranoid about it and would regularly double check the car when I was at work etc.

I agree your DH needs some help

[Ponoka7]

"I’ve told him that I’m now looking at moving gyms to one with a crèche, but he just agreed it was a good idea."

He's putting her in danger because he doesn't want to do his share. Who would object to minding their newborn for a couple of hours, rather than leave them in a crèche?

OP you need to have a serious conversation with him. This is deliberate and needs to stop now.

There's been a few threads on her, by Women whose DPs have used the same tactic. It's like not washing the dishes properly to get out of doing them. Or breaking things when dusting etc.

Except it's your newborn that he's putting at risk.

[Phineyj]

If your gut is telling you something's wrong here, it probably is. It sounds like BIL and MIL are helpful, so enlist their help while you get to the bottom of it. I wonder if DH and older DD are very close, whether he subconsciously sees the baby as an interloper.

[JustDanceAddict]

My DS certainly needed to be woken for feeds as he had some health issues as a newborn.
In terms of your dh, I’d be really concerned if he was forgetting where she was when he put her down, that is not normal.

[riotlady]

I think you need to take him to the doctor. Either he genuinely has a medical problem because forgetting like that isn’t normal, or he is just saying that for an easy life so he doesn’t have to care for her, in which case making a fuss about it and turning it into an inconvenience might sort him out.

[TillyTheTiger]

I'd be worried about this. Guidance says babies should have all their naps in the same room as you until 6 months as it reduces the risk of SIDS, so I'd not be happy about him putting her down somewhere and leaving her for an extended period of time.
Also the packing - people are saying it's no big deal but actually if he's taken DD out and there's a poo explosion then he realises he hasn't bothered to take nappies, wipes or spare clothes then it's potentially a horrible uncomfortable situation for her until he can get her home to sort it. Especially if he's made sure that your 4yo has everything she needs - there's no excuse and it shouldn't be your responsibility to pack for him.

[Motoko]

It's all very well pps saying they've done it, but they haven't done it to this extent. They're completely missing the point.

If he'd only done this once, OP wouldn't be posting on here. Everybody's heard stories of someone forgetting their newborn, once, but this is way beyond that.

Either he's got something wrong with him, or he's doing it deliberately. You need to have serious words with him, and insist he goes to the doctor (with you). Don't take no for an answer. Also, enlist the help of BIL and MIL.

This is unacceptable, his neglect could kill her.

[SavingSpaces2019]

I’ve told him that I’m now looking at moving gyms to one with a crèche, but he just agreed it was a good idea.
Yep. I was right. he doesn't want to look after her and is choosing to manipulate you into doing it all.

[SunshineCake]

I can't help feeling he is doing this on purpose and I'd find it very hard to love a man who would risk a child is his owns well. Ding just because he couldn't be arsed to look after her properly.

[GizzardChops]

YANBU!!!

[SunshineCake]

FFS I wish @MNHQ would sort this out

...a man who would risk his own child's well being just because he doesn't want to look after her or thinks it is all your responsibility.

[NoSauce]

FFS I wish @MNHQ would sort this out

Sort what out?

[Batcrazymum3]

I think I’m in the minority when I say I think you are being a little unreasonable.

He’s getting used to a new baby too. It doesn’t seem like the child has ever been in danger or neglected (other than the woman who got fed up holding her and fobbed her off to anyone who would take her)

Let him find his feet, if he forgets something for DD it’s not like he is inconveniencing you to pick up his slack. He will get there.

[managedmis]

Op?

[bluebluezoo]

I agree with pp.

Bf babies surely feed on demand? I would be surprised at forcing a routine at 7 weeks.

As to the handing round thing- this is normal in some families. I don't like it myself, but DH's family are very much like this- if I gave them dc for a cuddle and turned my back for a second, they'd have been passed round to 3 more people. Any concerns were dismissed with oh X wanted a cuddle, she'll look after her. Not just babies- if a toddler wanders off no one bats an eyelid- y is over there, she'll keep an eye. It's kind of assumed those nearby will be watching them.

[53rdWay]

It doesn’t seem like the child has ever been in danger or neglected

He leaves her on the floor and then can’t even remember what room she’s in when the OP gets home!

[RunawayLove]

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed

Everything else is weird but this is normal isn't it? DD was breastfed and I never fed her unless she was telling me she wanted feeding (crying)

[RunawayLove]

OP, don't feel sorry for his hurt feelings, let him feel crushed, it might be the I my thing that changes him. A friend's boyfriend was like this with their baby and it took him having a horrific nightmare about the baby dying for him to "snap" out of it.

[Pollywollydolly]

I would talk to him and see if he has any other symptoms that are worrying him. Go to the doctor with him and see if there is a reason for his forgetfulness. If there is nothing then you can explore the notion that he is deliberately opting out of caring for her.

If he has been a wonderful husband and father up to now why on earth would you assume he is deliberately neglecting your planned and wanted second child. His agreement to you changing gyms would make me suspicious that he knows something is wrong with him and doesn't want to admit it.

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

To answer your questions... Fed on demand just didn’t work for DC2, she wasn’t eating enough and was losing weight. When DH fed her later than she was due, DD was using the milk to comfort herself and fall asleep, rather than to sustain herself. So instead of drinking 6/7oz, she would drink less than 2oz. DH knows this and has even told MIL to make sure DC2 was fed by X time, when she was watching her.

I don’t think it’s a laziness thing, as DH is really active and a great help around the house. He cooks most evening meals, walks the dogs before 6 am and does his share in cleaning the house. I just feel he is taking advantage of our baby’s sweet temperament, she is so perfect and so chilled. I’m hoping she will probably once she’s mobile and she will be harder for DH to forget.

I did question PND myself and confined in a friend in the profession one day, after a trip to the park, I left DH with both girls to find the toilets and when I came back he was by the stream with DC1 at least 50 yards away from DC2 asleep in her pushchair, he said he had forgot she wasn’t with me. I was angry but my friend told me I’m overreacting and he needs time to adjust to two. Which I can understand.

He is doing great at work and there isn’t anything else alarming me which would make me think he needs to see the GP other than his carelessness with our baby. He thinks I’m overreacting and turns everything into a joke or reminds me of mistakes I’ve made, like dropping food on DD while trying to eat and feed her. He works with mostly other parents, so they like to share stories about their parenting fails, so thinks it’s quite normal.

Both DDs are with me most of the time, but I’m taking DC2 with me to appointments, work meetings and social events to stop me worrying about her safety and to ensure she’s fed when I would of happily left DC1 with DH at the same age. MIL is a great help and will happily watch DC2 if I need her too.

[53rdWay]

But parents have to adjust from one to two all the time, and most of us aren’t regularly leaving a baby alone in the house/at the park/at family gatherings because we forget it exists! He is being really worryingly casual about this.

We had a very intense DC1 followed by a really chilled DC2 as well so I get that but I don’t think it explains his weird forgetfulness.

Ask yourself - did he do this with your older child until she reminded him not to? Was he regularly putting her down and wandering off and only remembering he had a child when he heard “WAAAAH”? Or leaving the pushchair alone at the park when he went off to do something else? Did he need constant reminding he had a child then? Or was he a bit more proactive about paying attention?

[EvaHarknessRose]

You and MIL take dc1, but leave dc2 with dh frequently instead, give him time to bond and get to know her. If he is a good dad and not struggling with her then he should embrace this? Maybe he has a ‘set shifting’ problem in terms of his cognitive styleand just gets focused on dd1.