DH keeps forgetting about our baby

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Name change as this is outing and would crush DH.

We have two daughters, both were planned and very much wanted. DH is a brilliant husband and has been a fantastic and loving father, but I’m starting to worry if I can trust him with our baby. Our baby is the perfect baby, very chilled, slept through since 4 weeks and she only cries when really hungry. Complete opposite to DD4 as a baby, DH was extremely attentive with her, would hold her for hours and was constantly watching the baby monitor. With our second baby, there has been several unbelievable incidences where he has ‘forgot’ about her.

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed. On numerous occasions has forgotten to pack anything for the baby, only snacks, clothes and toys for our older child.

At a christening, DH passed 7 week old baby to distant family member who wanted a cuddle then had started to talk to various friends, the family member couldn’t find him to hand baby back, so she was passed around various people - some of which I wouldn’t of wanted to hold her until MIL rescued her. I had arrived late to the party, as I waiting for DD to wake up in the car. MIL confronted him before I had the chance and DH said he had forgot he had her begin with.

His excuses are mainly, he thought I had her or she’s just so chilled... he forgot she was there. I have a hard time leaving my tiny baby as it is, but now I’m worried she’s not safe with her own dad. Especially with the stories I’ve read about babies left in hot cars He is an intelligent man - with a very serious professional job and I don’t think he understands how worried I am. This weekend, we’ve had a lovely weekend as a family and I have some lovely photos of him loving on both of our daughters, but his carelessness with our baby is affecting my relationship with him.

Am I overreacting?

[LatteLove]

He does sound like a bit of an eejit, but I’m not getting what’s wrong with waiting for a baby to cry before feeding them? That’s what I did with my 2 I thought that was generally what people did, that’s how you know they’re hungry after all

[Rainbowknickers]

(Sorry to hijack the thread op)
I suddenly got really bad back ache (to the point I couldn’t walk)
It was taking me 45 mins to slide up and down the stairs
Add two older kids I was stuck-I couldn’t even sit on my sofa let alone run round after them
The pain was out of this world I’ve never felt pain like it
Periods where all normal and I maybe put on a few pounds but nothing to worry about-I was in my size 34 inch jeans (about a size 14)
Well anyway my mother said there was more to this and dragged me to the doctor who asked if I could be pregnant
Oh how I laughed-not a chance I hooted
He asked me to pee in a bottle as you do-he came back in the room and asked me to let him feel my tummy
‘Oh I’m guessing your about 8 months pregnant’
My mother just slid off her chair in shock!
That was the Monday afternoon I had a scan on the Wednesday lunchtime and gave birth stood up on the landing on the Saturday morning
(I woke up in agony-and I don’t seem to find many things painful
I went to the loo thinking I needed to ‘go’ stood up and staggered into my landing-just as I screamed ‘I want to f*cking push!’ He slid out onto the landing floor
He’s 19 now and when his boss asked if he’d been dropped on his head as a baby he answered ‘yes! I was born on my head!’ His boss rang me to check he wasn’t joking!

[3luckystars]

What way has he reacted to all of this, is he embarrassed?

If it was me I would just hold on to the baby myself until he cops on that he has 2 children.

[buddy79]

Feeding on demand is not supposed to be feeding when they cry, the idea is to be attentive to signals like rooting, sucking, that they are getting hungry, so you feed them hopefully before they’re full blown crying with hunger. I think that’s what the previous poster means. And so no yanbu to be annoyed by this. It is an adjustment process to the second and you might forget a few bits for the first few times you go out, but forgetting about them completely is not on!! The christening thing I would find really frightening I’m afraid.

[drivingmeupthebend]

The first time I went to the gym and left 8 week old dd with my husband I came home and she was frantic.
Dh complained that she would not stop screaming. I asked if he’d fed her, and he had forgotten she might need a feed 🙄
I think if they’re not in the routine of looking after the baby all day every day then sometimes they just don’t realise.

[HennyPennyHorror]

buddy I can assure you that not everyone is attentive to those signs. Both of mine were fed when they cried.

I did begin to notice DD1 would cough prior to crying for food...so would get ready to feed her but other than that...I needed a yell to know.

There's no "supposed to be" regarding feeding. Everyone is different.

[plantwhisperer]

That would piss me off too! No matter how chill a baby is I don't believe you can truly forget you have one with you!

Imagine if he took her out somewhere public and just 'accidentally' forgot her.

Good on your MIL for pulling him up on it too!

[Judystilldreamsofhorses]

My dad once left my tiny sibling outside the supermarket in the pram, walked home with me, then got the row of his life when my mum was like “where’s the baby?!”. I was four, really did not want a baby, and thought it was brilliant. My dad was hyper-attentive after that!

[CJsGoldfish]

I fed my babies when they cried and would quite happily go about my day in the meantime.
I've also handed my baby off and, as long as they weren't crying, quite happily went off to chat to others. Usually ended with an "oops, better go check"
I honestly see nothing really wrong with his behaviour. It's not necessarily 'forgetting'. Sometimes it's just being a confident and relaxed parent

[Andysbestadventure]

The trick is @SmartPlay to feed them before they get so hungry they're crying... Generally that is modern day parenting advice for bottle fed babies who are less likely to 'feed on demand'.

[SavingSpaces2019]

I don't think his forgetfulness is genuine...he's being selectively forgetful and only with DC2.
He doesn't want to look after her.
He knows he just needs to play the game long enough for you to feel worried enough to take over everything...
...which is the point you're getting to.

Why not give him a dose of his own medicine?
Forget to cook, clean, consult and bother with him until he starts making 'enough' noise.
It doesn't sound like he's bonded with her - or even wants to.

[Andysbestadventure]

Can I point out to everyone saying the OP is overreacting... If a Mother did what her DH had done, she'd absolutely be hung out to dry?!!

OP has every right to be livid at him, and tbh OP I wouldn't just be having stern words, I'd have lost my shit entirely. He needs to get his shit in order.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Andy would she? By whom? I wouldn't hang ANYONE out to dry for the things the OP mentions.

What's so terrible?

[CJsGoldfish]

If a Mother did what her DH had done, she'd absolutely be hung out to dry?!!

Meh.
I've done the same, never been 'hung out to dry' because it's really not that big of a deal. He didn't feed 'on time' and he handed baby to distant relatives and went and chatted with others.
I doubt he 'forgot' he has a baby. lol

[HennyPennyHorror]

Me too CJ me too.

[Chalfontstgiles]

It's worth saying to him that an accidental forgetful incident at her tender age could be absolutely catastrophic for your daughter and obviously for your relationship. Tell him, he's a good man but you think he'd never forgive himself if anything were to happen. Start with a hard talk OP and take it from there.

[Drabarni]

I left mine in the Post Office, I'm a mum.
A woman shouted "Hey love, you've forgotten something"
I burst out crying and felt like the shittest parent in the world.

Talk to him and tell him it isn't normal to do this, just acceptable under stress maybe once.

[Happymum12345]

Your dh sounds like mine. Sometimes they just lack common sense but definitely wouldn’t do anything to upset your or harm your dc on purpose.
Let him know how you feel & male it clear that his behaviour is making you extremely anxious. Write a list & stick it on the fridge about what to do.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

So he can hold down a job and look after his other child just fine.

Inexcusable...there is a reason he isn't parenting his child and you need to find out why.

[LatteLove]

Feeding on demand is not supposed to be feeding when they cry, the idea is to be attentive to signals like rooting, sucking, that they are getting hungry, so you feed them hopefully before they’re full blown crying with hunger

I’ve managed to keep mine alive and fed til teenagehood doing it my way, thanks for the explanation though

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

@TinklyLittleLaugh DC2 isn’t on a strict schedule but rarely cries when she’s hungry, if I only fed her when she was crying for it, she would be past hungry and would end up falling asleep before she ate enough to sustain her. It was a learning process for us to realise this. DC1 was completely different, she was fed on demand and if she hadn’t been fed in 2 hours, you would be hearing about it.

Thank you for your comments, I hate talking about DH like this because he really is a great dad and lots of fun. I know things would be different if the baby was vocal like DC1 was.

I only gave a few examples of things he has done, unfortunately there’s been quite a few more. Some more worrying and public. My reactions differ, sometimes I can laugh and see the funny side but other times I’m angry or upset with him. BIL told him he needs to make more of an effort with DC2 but he took it as a joke.

I can appreciate the comments that I say I’m overreacting, if the shoe was on the other foot I might feel the same. But I’m worrying about DC2 safety, even when in the hour max I leave him with both girls to go to the gym, it upsets that the majority of the time when I return home, DH doesn’t automatically know which room he’s left her in, sometimes she’s in her bouncer, sometimes she’s just lying on the floor. Unless she’s crying, he tells me just forgets she’s there, if she’s fallen asleep he has no idea how long ago because he wasn’t watching her. I’ve told him that I’m now looking at moving gyms to one with a crèche, but he just agreed it was a good idea.

[EileenAlanna]

Can you programme his phone/watch/whatever to give him a verbal half hourly "Warning! Warning! You have forgotten you have a baby to care for!"

[thehouseinhousesitter]

Bizarre that people keep saying 'why is it a problem she was handed to relatives at a christening.'

It wasn't a relative. The person didn't know them. Somehow 'christening' has made it sound ok. If op had said random people at a party I think the responses would be different. I wouldn't be happy about that either op.

[managedmis]

DH doesn’t automatically know which room he’s left her in, sometimes she’s in her bouncer, sometimes she’s just lying on the floor. Unless she’s crying, he tells me just forgets she’s there, if she’s fallen asleep he has no idea how long ago because he wasn’t watching her. I’ve told him that I’m now looking at moving gyms to one with a crèche, but he just agreed it was a good idea.


^

If he genuinely cannot remember which room he left her in, he quite clearly needs to see a professional. And he must realise this too.

[CJsGoldfish]

It wasn't a relative. The person didn't know them. Somehow 'christening' has made it sound ok. If op had said random people at a party I think the responses would be different. I wouldn't be happy about that either op
Yeah it was.
Relative then handed baby to someone else.
Still don't see an issue.