DH keeps forgetting about our baby

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Name change as this is outing and would crush DH.

We have two daughters, both were planned and very much wanted. DH is a brilliant husband and has been a fantastic and loving father, but I’m starting to worry if I can trust him with our baby. Our baby is the perfect baby, very chilled, slept through since 4 weeks and she only cries when really hungry. Complete opposite to DD4 as a baby, DH was extremely attentive with her, would hold her for hours and was constantly watching the baby monitor. With our second baby, there has been several unbelievable incidences where he has ‘forgot’ about her.

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed. On numerous occasions has forgotten to pack anything for the baby, only snacks, clothes and toys for our older child.

At a christening, DH passed 7 week old baby to distant family member who wanted a cuddle then had started to talk to various friends, the family member couldn’t find him to hand baby back, so she was passed around various people - some of which I wouldn’t of wanted to hold her until MIL rescued her. I had arrived late to the party, as I waiting for DD to wake up in the car. MIL confronted him before I had the chance and DH said he had forgot he had her begin with.

His excuses are mainly, he thought I had her or she’s just so chilled... he forgot she was there. I have a hard time leaving my tiny baby as it is, but now I’m worried she’s not safe with her own dad. Especially with the stories I’ve read about babies left in hot cars He is an intelligent man - with a very serious professional job and I don’t think he understands how worried I am. This weekend, we’ve had a lovely weekend as a family and I have some lovely photos of him loving on both of our daughters, but his carelessness with our baby is affecting my relationship with him.

Am I overreacting?

[Chivers53]

How does he forget where he left her? Honestly, how is he coping, is he okay?

[Pinkarsedfly]

He didn’t want a boy or something did he, OP?

Because your update makes him sound as if he’s either not bonded or trying to make some kind of point.

He needs to get a grip, whatever the reason.

[FenellaMaxwell]

Just going to throw it out there - he doesn’t have PND, does he....? It’s also very odd that he would instantly agree he shouldn’t look after the baby and a crèche would be better, unless there’s more to it than this....

[3luckystars]

None of that is ok, I wouldn't leave the baby with him again.

Anyone I know with a newborn has them up in their arms or nearby all the time especially if they are 'babysitting'*
*I am using the word babysitting for her dad here because it sounds like you have the baby 98% of the time and he doesn't know her at all.

Anyway, if a granny or child minder did this once, you would never trust them again with your child. Just because he is the father and looks after your older child, it doesn't matter, he cannot be trusted to mind this baby. Just look after the baby yourself, it's not worth the risk.

There is something very wrong here, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Congratulations on your baby and good luck.

[Notanotheruser111]

I’d ask him to get a check up at the GP to be honest, especially if he snores or has a tendency to fall asleep easily whilst sitting down.

I had a lot of trouble with my memory a year or so ago I forgot my youngest was with me twice at that point I went to the dr because once is fair enough but twice in a short space of time is really bad. I had very low iron which was the cause of my memory issues but there can be lots of physical issues like sleep apnea or depression that can affect memory as well.

Just because it is always the baby that gets forgotten doesn’t mean it’s selective either memory is such a funny thing

[thehouseinhousesitter]

Still don't see an issue.

the person holding her didn’t know who the baby belonged to!

Yeah, that's normal.

[AE18]

The older child is a toddler who needs much more looking after.

This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like MN have completely different standards for PFBs than other children. A four year old is NOT a toddler, they are a young child, and their needs are very rarely more urgent than a baby's. They might want a lot of attention but they don't actually need it. If anyone's needs should be on the back burner it shouldn't be the baby's - remembering to take things like hats for the older child but not even remembering you have the younger one is awful.

The only defence I can think of is that he isn't coping with the lack of sleep and is more distracted than he realises. Otherwise it's just classic "only the first born really matters". People saying "oh it's totally normal for nobody to give a shit about the second child" make me so sad.

Not bonding is not an excuse - he should be using all the time he can to bond with the baby not handing her off to strangers as soon as he gets an opportunity.

[WellThisIsShit]

Oh OP, you must be so worried and upset by all of this. Your last post makes it clear that this isn’t a behaviour you can explain away...

Why do you think it’s happening?

Is it laziness?
Or lack of bonding?
Or is he making some kind of point?

He’d have to be extremely low functioning to be forgetting everyday objects so frequently in this way, so unless you genuinely think he has such an extreme and seriously declining mental competence issue, it’s safe to say that he’s aiming his very odd behaviour at his little daughter, or at you.

His emotions are leaking out into his behavioural sooooo much he’s are almost screaming out his lack of interest in his new daughter.

I’d actually ask him why he thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

I’d ask him why dislikes her that much that he’s happy to neglect her? To just, leave her untended, unfed, uncared for and without the love and attention babies need to thrive... and to not even disguise his behaviour towards his own daughter?

Why does he think this is acceptable behaviour? Why does he think anyone around him will watch him neglect his little newborn, and think well of him for doing so?

If you weren’t there to pick up his slack, his bizarre behaviour, this baby would be in a really risky situation... Because they rely on the grownups around them to care enough to want to meet their basic needs.

And that happens by bonding with them, not putting a tiny baby down on the floor and walking out of the room, and leaving her on her own for goodness knows how long, ‘forgetting’ which room she’s even in?!

I’d challenge him on it, and not let him worm out of it. But, if he fesses up quickly and it turns out he is having trouble bonding with the baby, I wouldn’t go on castigating him, but suggest a gp appointment instead:,,,,

[Skittlesandbeer]

I can think of many ‘inappropriate people’ at a party, with whom the baby would not have been safe enough.

Lots of people don’t know much about babies, but would be excited to ‘have a hold’. Even some people who’ve had their own have been known to forget the very basics (looking at you, DM), or remember stuff from a different (more robust) age of baby.

Leaving aside anyone with actual malice or hurtful intent (which is very possible in any group), I wouldn’t have been comfortable with my little one being held by young children, most teens, lots of overconfident grandparents & great grandparents. I wouldn’t want people doing some multitasking (like drinking coffee) with the baby in their arms, or holding the baby at a height accessible to pets.

Accidents can happen to anyone, which is why parental supervision is important. The adults who know the baby best (if he wriggles a lot, if he’s prone to putting things in his mouth, that he gets stressed out by loud noises, etc) should be around in a crowded situation.

I don’t think the OP is unreasonably ‘anxious’, she’s reasonably cautious. I’d be very cross and looking for solutions too.

[Toneitdown]

YANBU but I wouldn't be angry, I'd be concerned. This is something he should probably speak to the doctor about. If he's generally a loving and caring father yet he's having these sudden bouts of forgetfulness with the baby then there may be something wrong.

So yes, be vigilant, but don't "go ape shit" on him as PPs have said. Be concerned and go to the doctor with him.

[AsTheWorldTurns]

I don't think either of these things are a very big deal, honestly.

[Damntheman]

The christening thing i would also be upset about but not the feeding thing. Is there a medical reason why she's on a schedule for milk rather than feeding on demand?

[53rdWay]

He lies her down on the floor and then just forgets she’s there and wanders out of the room? And doesn’t have a “SHIT, where’s the baby?” moment until you come home? And he’s doing things like this all the time?

If he’s as horrified by this as he should be, then I would tell him to go and see a doctor and check if there’s anything medical going on, because this really isn’t normal behaviour. If he’s not bothered by it, you’ve got even bigger problems. Either way I wouldn’t be leaving him alone with the baby at all until you’ve found out what’s going on.

[Damntheman]

Sorry OP I see you answered my question already. I only saw 1 page of responses before commenting!

[ememem84]

I forgot about Dd the other day. She’s 4 weeks so it’s all fairly new. Ds is a bit of a handful at present (23months).

In my defence Dd was napping in her Moses basket. So perfectly safe. But I did almost leave the house without her.

[NoSauce]

After your reading your last past, yes I would be worried OP. For both of them actually. Is he depressed, over worked, forgetting other things?

Whatever you do don’t let him look after her if he needs to go anywhere out of the house or in the car.

[RoseAdagio]

Nope, not overreacting at all!! I would be generous and blame sleep deprivation but if shes sleeping through already it's not that. Doing it once I could probably just about forgive as an anomaly, but habitually doing it is pretty disgraceful tbh. He sounds really self absorbed even if he is overall a good Dad with the other kids....sounds like hes focusing more on the ones he gets more out of and ignoring the one where the relationship is most one sided which unfortunately is the one that needs him the most!

[TheCatInAHat]

I find it really strange that he’d consider having a young baby in a crèche rather than care for her himself whilst you’re at the gym. And along with the other issues I’d be worried, particularly habitually letting her cry before feeding her.

[Walkaround]

I'd be concerned. Sounds like he's only a good dad to one of your children and finds your baby boring.
How old is she now? The not crying for milk unless beyond hungry sounds a bit weird to me, though, tbh! When she was tiny, how on earth did you know whether or not she was hungry in the night? Did you find out she didn't cry when hungry because she was failing to thrive? Is she otherwise developing normally? Do you think your dh hasn't really bonded with the baby?

[WeeDangerousSpike]

I think all new parents probably have a moment where they 'forget' the baby - usually just a split second, but sometimes longer like pp have said about themselves. The thing is though, it makes you feel sick (or at least it did me!) a rush of adrenalin and that ohmyfuckinggodwheresthebabyissheokfuckfuckfuck feeling. And it dramatically reduces the chance of it happening again, because you know it can happen, so you're more vigilant in similar situations in the future.
The fact that he is repeatedly forgetting her in the same way and doesn't seem to think it's a problem is really worrying.
As his brother has already said to him about it could you ask him to approach him again, making it very very clear it is not a joke and he needs to look after her properly? Maybe MIL too? People other than you taking this seriously might give him the push he needs to either sort himself out or get to the Dr's if it's something he can't control.

I'm horrified that he'd rather you put her in a creche than he have her alone for just an hour.

[greentheme23]

Oh dear. Feel a bit of a slack parent now. DD is 20 now but we fed on demand and took her on travels to Samoa and Tonga when she was 7 months and she was held by so many different Tongans and Samoans I can't even remember! Young boys love babies in Tonga!

[user1480880826]

It’s definitely concerning that he would hand the baby over to someone and walk off without remembering to take her back. It’s also very annoying that he doesn’t pack the things she needs when you go out for the day.

However, it doesn’t sound like he actually forgot to feed her. You are meant to feed babies responsively. If he waited until she was crying for milk then he was feeding her according to her hunger cues. You’re not meant to feed according to a feeding schedule. So technically he didn’t leave her to go hungry did he?

[Readytogogogo]

Either he had serious issues that he needs to see a GP about. Or he's a lazy, manipulative man child. I think you need to have a very frank discussion.

[BehindATractor]

I wonder if the not crying for a feed is a bf thing? I know that a crying baby is hard to latch on, too tired to feed effectively, and in that situation you can easily end up with no feed or a best a short top-up feed, letting the baby sleep for a bit then trying again. So I would agree that ignoring early hunger cues (or the clock, if that’s how you’re doing it at the moment) is a real problem that could lead to failure to thrive if it carried on. So I think your DH really does need to be on board with regular feeds.

Not knowing where the baby is, is also a problem - how can he keep track of whether she needs a change or a feed or a nap if he doesn’t know where she is in the house or a the christening.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Having only had a velcro baby I'm not sure how if be with a quiet one who let me put them down. That said his memory lapses do sound off and maybe a GP appointment would be a good start.