DH keeps forgetting about our baby

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Name change as this is outing and would crush DH.

We have two daughters, both were planned and very much wanted. DH is a brilliant husband and has been a fantastic and loving father, but I’m starting to worry if I can trust him with our baby. Our baby is the perfect baby, very chilled, slept through since 4 weeks and she only cries when really hungry. Complete opposite to DD4 as a baby, DH was extremely attentive with her, would hold her for hours and was constantly watching the baby monitor. With our second baby, there has been several unbelievable incidences where he has ‘forgot’ about her.

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed. On numerous occasions has forgotten to pack anything for the baby, only snacks, clothes and toys for our older child.

At a christening, DH passed 7 week old baby to distant family member who wanted a cuddle then had started to talk to various friends, the family member couldn’t find him to hand baby back, so she was passed around various people - some of which I wouldn’t of wanted to hold her until MIL rescued her. I had arrived late to the party, as I waiting for DD to wake up in the car. MIL confronted him before I had the chance and DH said he had forgot he had her begin with.

His excuses are mainly, he thought I had her or she’s just so chilled... he forgot she was there. I have a hard time leaving my tiny baby as it is, but now I’m worried she’s not safe with her own dad. Especially with the stories I’ve read about babies left in hot cars He is an intelligent man - with a very serious professional job and I don’t think he understands how worried I am. This weekend, we’ve had a lovely weekend as a family and I have some lovely photos of him loving on both of our daughters, but his carelessness with our baby is affecting my relationship with him.

Am I overreacting?

[SnuggyBuggy]

It's a bit crap when some (obviously not all ) posters give very thoughtful and informative answers that someone else could Google and benefit from.

It's not like anyone is forced to post a thread on MN.

[AnAC12UCOinanOCG]

I’m going to ask MN to close this thread as I fear it’s outing as it is.

forget about feeding, I wish MN would stop deleting threads on demand.

[Flamingnora123]

It's not great but I have a very chilled baby and my others were horrors and I'm the same as your DH! I regularly forget I have a third for a few minutes, he just doesn't make himself known

[petyeti]

The irony

[Alsohuman]

Learn some manners.

[petyeti]

I thought feeding babies by the clock went out with Dr Spock, aren’t they all demand fed?

Learn to read

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Thank you for your replies, I’m not going to justify when I don’t feed my baby on demand for a third time. For now, I’ll be keeping DC2 with me, we are going on holiday next week so I may poach the subject when we return if things haven’t improved. I’m going to ask MN to close this thread as I fear it’s outing as it is.

[Parky04]

My DM left me sleeping in the pram for 2 hours outside a shop! She walked home and realised that she forgot me! BTW she is a fantastic mum!

[Pinkarsedfly]

I wouldn’t be leaving a vulnerable baby with someone I couldn’t trust to look after her.

I’d be kicking his arse, though.

[Alsohuman]

I thought feeding babies by the clock went out with Dr Spock, aren’t they all demand fed?

[EvaHarknessRose]

You and MIL take dc1, but leave dc2 with dh frequently instead, give him time to bond and get to know her. If he is a good dad and not struggling with her then he should embrace this? Maybe he has a ‘set shifting’ problem in terms of his cognitive styleand just gets focused on dd1.

[53rdWay]

But parents have to adjust from one to two all the time, and most of us aren’t regularly leaving a baby alone in the house/at the park/at family gatherings because we forget it exists! He is being really worryingly casual about this.

We had a very intense DC1 followed by a really chilled DC2 as well so I get that but I don’t think it explains his weird forgetfulness.

Ask yourself - did he do this with your older child until she reminded him not to? Was he regularly putting her down and wandering off and only remembering he had a child when he heard “WAAAAH”? Or leaving the pushchair alone at the park when he went off to do something else? Did he need constant reminding he had a child then? Or was he a bit more proactive about paying attention?

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

To answer your questions... Fed on demand just didn’t work for DC2, she wasn’t eating enough and was losing weight. When DH fed her later than she was due, DD was using the milk to comfort herself and fall asleep, rather than to sustain herself. So instead of drinking 6/7oz, she would drink less than 2oz. DH knows this and has even told MIL to make sure DC2 was fed by X time, when she was watching her.

I don’t think it’s a laziness thing, as DH is really active and a great help around the house. He cooks most evening meals, walks the dogs before 6 am and does his share in cleaning the house. I just feel he is taking advantage of our baby’s sweet temperament, she is so perfect and so chilled. I’m hoping she will probably once she’s mobile and she will be harder for DH to forget.

I did question PND myself and confined in a friend in the profession one day, after a trip to the park, I left DH with both girls to find the toilets and when I came back he was by the stream with DC1 at least 50 yards away from DC2 asleep in her pushchair, he said he had forgot she wasn’t with me. I was angry but my friend told me I’m overreacting and he needs time to adjust to two. Which I can understand.

He is doing great at work and there isn’t anything else alarming me which would make me think he needs to see the GP other than his carelessness with our baby. He thinks I’m overreacting and turns everything into a joke or reminds me of mistakes I’ve made, like dropping food on DD while trying to eat and feed her. He works with mostly other parents, so they like to share stories about their parenting fails, so thinks it’s quite normal.

Both DDs are with me most of the time, but I’m taking DC2 with me to appointments, work meetings and social events to stop me worrying about her safety and to ensure she’s fed when I would of happily left DC1 with DH at the same age. MIL is a great help and will happily watch DC2 if I need her too.

[Pollywollydolly]

I would talk to him and see if he has any other symptoms that are worrying him. Go to the doctor with him and see if there is a reason for his forgetfulness. If there is nothing then you can explore the notion that he is deliberately opting out of caring for her.

If he has been a wonderful husband and father up to now why on earth would you assume he is deliberately neglecting your planned and wanted second child. His agreement to you changing gyms would make me suspicious that he knows something is wrong with him and doesn't want to admit it.

[RunawayLove]

OP, don't feel sorry for his hurt feelings, let him feel crushed, it might be the I my thing that changes him. A friend's boyfriend was like this with their baby and it took him having a horrific nightmare about the baby dying for him to "snap" out of it.

[RunawayLove]

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed

Everything else is weird but this is normal isn't it? DD was breastfed and I never fed her unless she was telling me she wanted feeding (crying)

[53rdWay]

It doesn’t seem like the child has ever been in danger or neglected

He leaves her on the floor and then can’t even remember what room she’s in when the OP gets home!

[bluebluezoo]

I agree with pp.

Bf babies surely feed on demand? I would be surprised at forcing a routine at 7 weeks.

As to the handing round thing- this is normal in some families. I don't like it myself, but DH's family are very much like this- if I gave them dc for a cuddle and turned my back for a second, they'd have been passed round to 3 more people. Any concerns were dismissed with oh X wanted a cuddle, she'll look after her. Not just babies- if a toddler wanders off no one bats an eyelid- y is over there, she'll keep an eye. It's kind of assumed those nearby will be watching them.

[managedmis]

Op?

[Batcrazymum3]

I think I’m in the minority when I say I think you are being a little unreasonable.

He’s getting used to a new baby too. It doesn’t seem like the child has ever been in danger or neglected (other than the woman who got fed up holding her and fobbed her off to anyone who would take her)

Let him find his feet, if he forgets something for DD it’s not like he is inconveniencing you to pick up his slack. He will get there.

[NoSauce]

FFS I wish @MNHQ would sort this out

Sort what out?

[SunshineCake]

FFS I wish @MNHQ would sort this out

...a man who would risk his own child's well being just because he doesn't want to look after her or thinks it is all your responsibility.

[GizzardChops]

YANBU!!!

[SunshineCake]

I can't help feeling he is doing this on purpose and I'd find it very hard to love a man who would risk a child is his owns well. Ding just because he couldn't be arsed to look after her properly.

[SavingSpaces2019]

I’ve told him that I’m now looking at moving gyms to one with a crèche, but he just agreed it was a good idea.
Yep. I was right. he doesn't want to look after her and is choosing to manipulate you into doing it all.