DH keeps forgetting about our baby

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

Name change as this is outing and would crush DH.

We have two daughters, both were planned and very much wanted. DH is a brilliant husband and has been a fantastic and loving father, but I’m starting to worry if I can trust him with our baby. Our baby is the perfect baby, very chilled, slept through since 4 weeks and she only cries when really hungry. Complete opposite to DD4 as a baby, DH was extremely attentive with her, would hold her for hours and was constantly watching the baby monitor. With our second baby, there has been several unbelievable incidences where he has ‘forgot’ about her.

DD is breastfed, but will take expressed milk when she’s not with me, DH often forgets to feed her when she’s due, only feeding her when she’s crying for a feed. On numerous occasions has forgotten to pack anything for the baby, only snacks, clothes and toys for our older child.

At a christening, DH passed 7 week old baby to distant family member who wanted a cuddle then had started to talk to various friends, the family member couldn’t find him to hand baby back, so she was passed around various people - some of which I wouldn’t of wanted to hold her until MIL rescued her. I had arrived late to the party, as I waiting for DD to wake up in the car. MIL confronted him before I had the chance and DH said he had forgot he had her begin with.

His excuses are mainly, he thought I had her or she’s just so chilled... he forgot she was there. I have a hard time leaving my tiny baby as it is, but now I’m worried she’s not safe with her own dad. Especially with the stories I’ve read about babies left in hot cars He is an intelligent man - with a very serious professional job and I don’t think he understands how worried I am. This weekend, we’ve had a lovely weekend as a family and I have some lovely photos of him loving on both of our daughters, but his carelessness with our baby is affecting my relationship with him.

Am I overreacting?

[WhyBirdStop]

@Femodene I do, I've got an app! Initially used it to track feeds as DS was prem and didn't take to bf well, and HV wanted feedback. Then he was poorly and I set reminders for meds. I used to set alarms for feeds etc. Now I don't much but I still use it to track things, so if I think oh when did I last change his nappy I can check. DS has never had nappy rash, now feeds well and has gained weight nicely. The number of saggy heavy, wet nappies I see at groups etc, one mum in particular always moaning that she doesn't know why her DS always has a sore bum/nappy rash, but I've never ever seen her change or check a nappy. Other people could probably do with reminders too, at least I don't just not bother.

[wlucy]

I literally lie awake at night with anxiety about the thought of my baby being left in a hot car. I don't know why but the idea just really triggers me. It was all I could think about when reading your post! So I would say yanbu at all but then again I may be biased and I know a lot of people will find my anxiety totally unreasonable!

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

To be fair, many babies are fed on demand, rather than by the clock.

[CassianAndor]

I’m a bit baffled by the baby being held by ‘people I wouldn’t have wanted to hold her’ - like who?? And the waiting in the car for a 4 year old to wake up. How long did you wait for? Why did you wake her when you got there?

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

@user1493494961 I know DD was safe, it was more the fact that the person who had asked to hold DD wasn’t a close relative or family member, she was apparently quite shocked that DH had left her with our baby, as she probably only wanted a quick cuddle and couldn’t find him to find her back, so dumped her to someone else who didn’t really know us. MIL recognised DD in someone’s arms and asked is that DD? And the person holding her didn’t know who the baby belonged to!

[whatsgoingonwithhim]

@BasilTheGreat no, not at all. His job requires him to be very on the ball and he plans everything meticulously.

He is brilliant with DD4 and always has been, he even remembers things that are easily forgettable like hats and suncream.

[zippey]

I’d say over reaction.

• baby being passed around at Christening. Easily done if you’re distracted by conversations with other people. Christenings are pretty safe areas.
  
• baby fed when crying - no issues with this
  
• baby’s stuff forgotten when going out - this is often trial and error. If out and something is forgotten, there’s usually a shop nearby. Keeps wipes etc in the car.

[SmartPlay]

"she probably only wanted a quick cuddle and couldn’t find him to find her back, so dumped her to someone else who didn’t really know us."

While your husband obviously shouldn't disappear like that, I would be far more furious with that woman than with the father. She asked to hold a baby, then she got enough of holding her and just hands her over to a random person? This person would never hold my baby again!

[CorBlimeyGovenor]

It sounds like he's just more distracted at the moment with having two and also that he sees it more as his responsibility to help out with the first child whilst you look after the baby (which is fair enough). I wouldn't be worried about the family gathering and forgetting. It was a social event and he was distracted. If he is going to look after the baby, I would pack the bag for him and ensure that kids have suncream on and drinks. And perhaps avoid him having too much on at once (i.e. food shopping with both of them). Re hit car worry. It's unlikely, but stick a post it note on the dashboard/leave a toy there or something as a reminder. My husband had Sepsis two years ago (nearly died, organs failed and ended up in a coma on life support). His memory is still not great and I just can't trust him the way that I once did (not leaving doors unlocked, suncream, drinks for kids etc). He's getting better, but I prob won't fully trust him.

[Rainbowknickers]

With no3 I was the same
I left him (twice) in the local shop
Left him on the bus
Left a lady holding him in the curb while I got his siblings on the bus
Left him at home and got into town before the penny dropped
Left him at my parents and got all the way down the road before my dad rang and asked if I was planning on taking him home!
I also left him at nursery in his pram after dropping his siblings off

In my defence I’d only found out I was having him on the Monday and had him in the Saturday

I think my brain hadn’t caught up with me having him around!

(He’s now 19 and unharmed by my uselessness)

[Luckybe40]

rainbow whhhaaatttttt?????how!???!!did you not know you were pregnant ??

[Sunshine1235]

I was about to comment on this but then I saw Rainbows post and feel like I just want to ask... how??? (I mean how did you not know until the Monday before? Tell us the story!)

[BuildBuildings]

Jesus this sounds like hard work. He needs to sort himself out. It's really unfair you have an additional thing to worry about when having a baby is bloody hard enough!
I'd just keep challenging him on this. I'd be fucking furious.

[NoSquirrels]

I think that mothers who gave birth not long ago are almost never unreasonable and your instincts are on high alert compared to your DH.

But I think you might be slightly over anxious - what sure your DH say about the slip-ups? Does it worry him - and is he sad to be upsetting you and promising to try harder?

The christening sounds like one of those things - could easily happen but hopefully his mum telling him off will have focused his mind!

The forgetting to feed until hungry - I guess I think this is par for the course? Breastfed babies aren’t on such predictable routines and I’m sure he’s less tuned in to her than you naturally are.

The baby bag stuff is just adjustment to two?

My DH was much better with the older child than baby no.2 for really quite a while, but it comes good in the end.

I think as long as he’s taking you seriously and not dismissing your feelings it’s OK.

[SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum]

I think you're massively over-reacting.

Babies don't need to be fed until they cry for a feed.

So what if he handed the baby to a relative at the christening?

You said your self that you were in the car.

The older child is a toddler who needs much more looking after.

YABU.

[Derbee]

I wouldn’t be pissed off about the feeding or forgetting things when packing. It’s an adjustment, and he’ll get used to it.

The christening would piss me off though. I wouldn’t pass a brand new baby around for people to hold willy nilly.

[HennyPennyHorror]

I don't think he sounds terrible.

Feeding her when she's due? Why not when she cries? That's how I fed both of mine...when they cried.

The church thing isn't that bad either....he just sounds more relaxed than you. I think you sound anxious.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Babies don't need to be fed until they cry for a feed.

I’m sorry, what now? Have you ever had a baby?

[NewAccount270219]

How much was he actually in charge of DD1 alone at the same age - with only one I imagine it was actually that both of your attention was on her? And you also say that she wasn't a baby that made it easy to ignore her! I suspect you're seeing more of a contrast between the two than is really there, so while it sounds quite annoying if he's not packing bags correctly etc, I don't think it's as telling of a deeper favouritism as you seem to fear.

[Nonnymum]

I don't understand the bit about not feeding until she is hungry. Aren't breast fed babies fed on demand? All I have known have been and responsive feeding is encouraged for bottle fed babies too.

[waterrat]

The christening would have upset me. I think that shows a disconnect to completely forget like that.

Could you work on him bonding more ?? Like let him have more time with her while you are around etc.

[SmartPlay]

"Babies don't need to be fed until they cry for a feed.

I’m sorry, what now? Have you ever had a baby?"

I don't know when you had a baby last, but feeding on demand has been standard for at least 15 years. Babies know when they are hungry, they don't adhere to clocks and schedules.

[waterrat]

Erm it's not relaxed to forget you have a baby with you.

I don't think you sound overly anxious OP. Though I think a mother is more tuned on to a baby's need for a feed than a dad. Especially if you are breast feeding.

[waterrat]

However OP. To reassure you it is very very normal for baby number two to get much less attention.

[Witchend]

I don't think anything much of this really. I've known a few mothers who've forgotten their second born.
One left them in the car when it went for a service when they were less than a week old. Arrived home with older one to several messages on the answerphone by increasingly panicky mechanics.

A couple at least left them in the pram at the park or one was library. Someone else I know left the baby asleep in the cot for school pick up and only remembered when someone asked where the baby was.

With the feeding I used to forget dd2's feed in the morning because she didn't ask for it in the way dd1 did. She would refuse to feed unless she really wanted to, which was between 11am and 12noon. (she usually had a big feed at about 4am, so not as bad as it sounds!) "I'd think "oh, she's getting a bit wriggly" and realise that she hadn't fed.
I certainly was guilty of packing stuff for one dc and not for the other by the second child. For the first I lovingly checked I had everything and the kitchen sink with me every time I went out. For second and third it was a case of if I remembered I'd used something then I'd probably replace it. I can only remember once it went a bit pear shaped and I ended up having to buy stuff.

The passing round is what dh would do. He'd have in his brain that she was being looked after and not worry, whereas I liked to know who was holding my babies. But by forgetting he wouldn't mean he'd totally forgotten her, he'd have just not got her on the front of the mind, not thinking about her at that moment.