...to ask what are the do's an dont's when dealing with a fussy eater?

[Hmmmmminteresting]

Ds1 is almost 4 and has always been a great eater. Loves fruit and veg and will always eat veg on his plate before anything else. Will help himself to fruit. Doesn't pull a face when he gets an apple for pudding unlike some of his friends.
Assumed it was due to my great parenting skills.
Well ds1 is 17 months and is a bloody nightmare. Hes gone from eating everything put in front of him, to the last 4 months hardly eating anything. He says no to all fruit at home and at nursery. He wont even try it. He just pushes the bowl away and if we persue it he cries. Dinner he will filter out all the good stuff. The only healthy thing he likes is corn on the cob! We never changed anything or did anything different it just started one day when he wouldnt eat banana which is unlike him and it's got progressively worse. We dont offer him an alternative but then in return I just get tears constantly because hes so hungry! Dh is of the opinion we need to admit defeat and start giving him crisps or something as a snack inbetween as hes hungry and then pudding give him a bit of chocolate. Since this started he now wakes at least 3x a night (never ever used to wake) and is just generally a lot more unhappy that he used to be. He dropped his milk and only has 2 small cups a day but isn't interested we really have to encourage him with it. Hes not underweight.
How do you deal with a fussy child!
What are the do's and don'ts?!

Today he's eaten weetabix, a bit of pesto pasta, a small sausage roll, some cheese and a ham thin.

Hes refused toast, an orange, a yoghurt, blueberries and raspberries. We then give all this to ds1 who we know will eat it!

Thanks everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it and It does make sense about giving him lots of praise when he eats and ignoring it when he doesn't. Its just so hard to ignore! He eats less than half what he did a few months back.

I understand what I said he ate today may sound a lot, but was literally 1 weetabix, about 4 pieces of pasta in pesto sauce. 3 or 4 cubes of chopped cheese and half of a sandwich thin that he shared with his brother (and mainly pulled the ham out and left the rest).

I will keep offering the good stuff and I like the idea about letting him choose too. That may work well for ds1 who loves too help and be independent.
Thanks!

Watching with interest as I've an almost identical story here, easy to feed 4 year old, increasingly picky 18 month old who likes to throw!

For her it's sometimes boredom, she's always on the go and gets restless very quickly in the highchair.

Think it's mostly behavioural though as she's selective what/where she will accept different things. Fingers crossed they grow out of it soon!

I had to wait until DC4 to get a very fussy one. (sigh)
I almost cried with joy when he ate Wotsits.

Assuming my 17mo had turned down dinner offered but still hungry... If he'd eat WM bread with butter I'd offer that, at that age. And milk. But nothing more exciting. Don't make any drama.

My other usual mantra on these threads: if he eats
corn on the cob
&
pesto sauce

He's a lot less fussy than many.

He will eat if he is hungry. He won't starve himself.

This advice is totally incorrect, there are children who won't eat even when hungry and who will starve themselves. DS once refused all food for three days straight based on advice like this.

PP saying to let him go hungry, also outdated and incorrect advice.

DS sees a dietician and advice from him is to offer meals as normal with the main meal of the day consisting of two courses (meal plus yoghurt or fruit). Always ensure there are 1-2 'safe' foods at every meal and only ever offer new foods alongside safe foods. Do not beg, persuade, cajole, or bargain about eating set amounts and getting the yoghurt/fruit happens regardless of how much savoury food is eaten as it's part of one complete meal. Allow a specific amount of time for the meal (30 mins is enough really) and then remove their plate at the end of it with no comment on how much they have or haven't eaten. No set snack time, only offer snacks if requested/based on hunger and no snacks at all for an hour either side of meals. If they haven't eaten any of their meal and seem particularly hungry then around an hour later offer a small snack. Use a good multivitamin (Well Kid was recommended to us) and make sure they have a cup of milk twice a day.

The "let them go hungry" brigade are wrong.

My child had reflux, and could not handle certain textures (like bolognese, chilli, or anything with mince or mixed textures) and he DID starve himself to the point of being so thin and dehydrated he needed to be put on a drip. It was awful. It happened twice.

Some parents like to act all tough and no-nonsense but they haven't a clue

Some kids have issues around food, eg after being a reflux baby, and it is not about a battle of wills where the parent has to win. It is about finding a way to get the kid to branch out without pressure, and in a calm environment.

My DS now eats everything. But it took years of patience and a very gentle approach. MIL once forced food down him and he vomited!

Venger, your dietitian's approach is exactly how we did it and it worked

extreme fussy eating may be due to an underlying physical or neurological issue. If the underlying cause of food refusal is not addressed by a professional, over time food fussiness can get worse as the negative association attached with meal times and with food increases. There can be a number of underlying issues that may lead a child to present as an extremely fussy eater. Both sensory and mechanical issues need to be considered
Children with sensory processing difficulties can find any of these sensory elements an obstacle when it comes to new foods.

To overcome this, it is important to help babies and children feel safe to explore the sensory elements of new foods. One therapeutic approach found to be effective is a gradual and repeated step-by-step process of exposing the child to new food. The steps would be to first get the child to look at it, hold it, then smell it, lick it, and finally taste it. This process could be done all in one sitting or could take weeks depending on the child. In addition to sensory considerations, we also need to be aware that children need a set of mechanical or motor skills for safe eating. The absence or delay in development of these motor skills can interfere with eating.

Sensory-related feeding problems
According to Thompson et al (2009), feeding-related problems due to possible sensory processing preferences may be indicated by the following:

Inadequate eating, eg:
repeated food refusal
not swallowing food
tendency for regurgitation, choking, retching or coughing
accepting only minimal amounts of food
intensely limited range of food, including difficulty advancing to solids
limited movement of food around the mouth as the infant develops.
Difficult mealtimes, eg:
excessively lengthy feeding periods (eg 30–45 minutes)
problem behaviour, such as screaming or throwing food
the expression of extreme distress at mealtimes.
Inadequate weight gain due to lack of nutrition.

I've copied and pasted my reply from the other thread because the same applies here. Do not make mealtimes into a battleground. And I do not subscribe to the "eat that or nothing", if you can be calm and flexible the chances are that this is just another phase that most children get through.

Parents take a child refusing food so personally. Its very hard not to react when you have spent ages lovingly making a nutritious meal. It's not. It's just them learning about taste and texture. Do not make mealtimes a battleground because this is what makes things worse. Offer small amounts of various foods, find out what s/he likes. Praise when they eat, ignore when they don't. Chat normally at the table, don't make it all about cajoling or pleading. If they put it on the floor just pick it up and put it back on the tray. If they put it on the floor again remove it. Always put something on the plate that you know they will like. Don't extend mealtimes. When a meal is over, leave the table and clear up as normal. Praise if they have eaten, ignore if they haven't.

Do not overload the plate, I see toddlers with so much food they don't even know where to start. They are more likely to eat if it's less and they can ask for more. If possible, serve the food on the table in dishes so they can help themselves, rather than just present them with a plate of food.

Despite all of the above some children just don't enjoy mealtimes but you have to remember it's not about you. My oldest ate everything I gave him until the age of 10 and gradually his diet became very restricted, he is now 20 and still fairly fussy about what he eats but adding new things all the time. My youngest eats everything and anything.

Most food issues are as a direct result of table battles. Try (as hard as it is) to stay calm and not make it more of an issue.

Dd1was a brilliant eater. Ate anything given in quantity at those ages.
Dd2 ate nothing consistently. if she ate it one day, she wouldn't touch it the next.

They're teens and the other way round now.

My experience (from also being a fussy eater).
Small quantities are better.
If you know they don't like something, don't serve it to them (they'll like it much better pinched from your plate after a few months of no pressure to eat it)
If they have an apparently strange food fad (eg I used to like to eat everything separately) don't comment on it, or try to trick/force them into changing it (like mixing it all together)
Always make sure the meal has one (healthy) thing they like.
Let them help to cook. It's amazing even at 18 months how much more they'll eat if they've "helped" (although ds' addition of grapes to the lasagne at about 2yo were... interesting)
Don't comment on how much they've eaten. Just clear the plate.
Don't say things like "it's just one more mouthful".
If they really don't feel like eating don't pressurise them. Put some fruit out and tell them it's there for when they want to come back.
If they've not really eaten anything then porridge supper (with a bit of sugar) was a rare enough treat which got anyone eating (can't stand the stuff myself though!)
Frozen peas were a great treat in our house for non-eaters.

Lots of good advice here, and totally agree that you must ignore any 'he'll eat when he's hungry' advice as some kids won't. The key thing is not to make a fuss, offer foods he will like as a staple and have other foods freely available, offer but don't cajole, and don't praise! Don't make eating and food an emotional thing.

Yes, I will add that "eat when they're hungry" does not work on me (nor two of my dc).
Rather strangely the less I eat the less hungry I feel. I can literally go days without eating if I don't like the food offered. It gets to a point fairly quickly that I don't want to eat, and the idea makes me feel sick.
I'd have loved my dm to decide that, and I can totally guarantee that she would have caved far before I would have.

I echo those who advise safe foods and self service from bowls on the table. Food risks becoming such an emotional battleground.

(I was 'fussy'. I ate only one type of cheese, one type of bread, until I was 15. Those who say 'they'll won't starve' didn't meet me...)

Make being at the meal table unthreatening. Don't focus on the food, enjoy sitting together. If your toddler only eats the safe food, don't comment. If they pick up, lick or eat something new, don't comment on it: no-one wants to feel like they're being watched.
Basically take the pressure off, chat about anything but the food on the table, and see what happens.

@Didntwanttochangemyname sounds just like my DS, he has always had sensory issues, even now he hates certain noises and even a few foods like baked beans (which his younger brother loves!) bother him because they are 'messy'. On the whole he has grown into a well balanced lad, I vividly remember taking his red lunch box with us wherever we went because that way I knew he had his 'safe' foods. Yes we got comments from parents with a more rigid approach but they didn't understand how much of an issue this was for DS. The first time we ordered from a pub menu for him was a huge triumph!
I had to develop a thick skin and ignore people who said I was making a rod for my own back, I somehow knew our approach was right for him. It definitely worked in the long run! Good luck to you