What the hell should I do?

[FloatingObject]

I need your advice because I'm feeling stuck.
For the past three years I have been living in France, in the region where DP is from. I partly grew up in a French-speaking country but I'm British, and for all of my adult life I have hopped back and forth between the two. I'm 32 and DP is 38.

My relationship with DP is easy and warm. He's great, really supportive, kind, he feels like my best friend. The issue is that I want to experience more in life and he doesn't, and in particular, I keep having to fight back urges to go back to the UK.

I know it's popular these days with Brexit to bash the UK as a wet little island, but often, I miss that wet little island. I love the French way of life, and since I partly grew up in French, there is no language barrier for me. But I am British, and I miss a lot about British culture. I miss my English-speaking girlfriends, I miss going down the pub, and open mic nights, and just the vibe and attitude.

At the same time, I know my partner wouldn't follow me there. He loves his community, and has never left his village before. The problem is that no matter how much I love him, I can see that being here and being in this relationship, nothing will ever change for me. He isn't a "high achiever", he has a NMW job and his priorities are seeing his family and friends, and that's pretty much it. He doesn't particularly want children, and I'm undecided but leaning towards not. I don't want a "high achieving" man, but I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that he doesn't particularly have any desire to change things, or any other real vision of a different life other than the way things already are. If I stay put, my life will be living hand to mouth in the beautiful French countryside with a lovely man. But is that the life I want?

Added into the mix is Brexit looming on the horizon and the feeling that if I leave France now it will be much, much harder for me to come back.

I guess I just want your insight - what would you do if you were me? Has anyone else had this feeling of being torn between two countries? And/or of being torn between a man and a different life?

It breaks my heart to think of leaving him, but at the same time, life as it is now is one I would want if I were retired. I have friends here but its just not the same as the mates I have in the UK. I just feel a bit lonely and confused.

I'm worried I might leave this idyllic life and great guy and find myself back in the UK and regretting my decision. Any thoughts?

Goddamn it. I did actually put paragraphs in there!

I think that you already know what your future will look like If you stay. If you want so much more now, then its inevitably that this will be an issue many times down the road. You will grow apart at some point and there might also be alot of resentment on your part as well.

In your situation, I think I would compromise by making it a long-distance relationship. I'd come back to the UK and make my own life, but go back to France to visit my DP - and ask him to come over and visit you. You never know - he may decide that he misses you so much that he's prepared to move after all.

Sounds like you are putting the relationship before your own happiness.
Move back to the UK. Enjoy it whilst you are young.
You can always go back to France when you are older and ready for the quieter ideal.

I don’t know what to advise as I am in a sort of reverse quandary: we have a long distance relationship and I keep saying I will go and live there but I can’t quite make it happen. My life here is not exciting but it’s settled (I’m in my fifties) and where DP lives the only good thing is DP who I love dearly.

Have you been together long?

Do you work?

What would your life be like without DH? Have you settled? I don't pick up much passion for your relationship?

Although you are ambivalent now, do you see kids in the future? Or just not kids with DH?

Would a livelier part of France with easier access to the UK suit you better?

Have you had an honest conversation with your DP about all of this? He might surprise you. Perhaps not at first, but maybe he will slowly come around to the idea if he knows how much it means to you.

A few years ago my DH got offered an amazing job on another continent. When he spoke to me about it he sounded like he was already preparing to turn it down because he knew I wouldn't want to leave my home city and go so far away from my family ( I had often said this to him). He was wrong. It took me a little while to get my head around it but eventually I became really excited about the move. Knowing that he wasn't happy where we were was enough to make me reconsider my point of view. I love him very much and didn't want to stop him from following his dreams. And I told myself that I could always go home if I didn't like it. We've yet to move back to the UK because we're really happy here but I know it's always an option and that made the move easier.

My sympathies OP - my French partner lives in Paris which I know sounds great but I also miss the UK. For the past 11 years I have gone back and forth between Paris and London so we each have our own home but see each other frequently. I spend about three - for weeks with him and one - two weeks in London roughly.

It depends on what your job is as to whether you could sustain a long term relationship on this basis and also find out what you really want from life. 32 is still pretty young and your partner sounds happy where he is. Mine is the same - absolutely no chance of him moving to London with me.

As for Brexit - who knows? I'm prepared to have a visa but am worried about the exact length of time I'll be able to stay in France each time I visit after 31 October :-(

Has anyone else had this feeling of being torn between two countries?

Yes! We lived in SE Asia for a decade and I still miss it to this day.

When we left for UK 20 years ago we were balancing up several different issues relating to work, DCs' education, wider family, etc. Interestingly I was much more reluctant to leave than DH who is from that part of the world whereas I am British

It sounds like this relationship has run it's course, time to move on.

I would listen to your gut feeling. I wouldn't fight back those urges to leave, I would go. Really. Truly. As soon as you can. One day you may look around you and feel regret for all the things you could have done with your youth. It might be hard to go. It might be lonely and scary. But it will open your life.

Time40 I could suggest that alright, although he would feel it's like signing a death warrant for the relationship.

sunshinesupermum Sympathies back at you! Do you have children? I'm thinking since we don't, it may not be too complicated. You'll probably be fine post-Brexit, because you're nipping back and forth rather than spending extended periods there. Don't worry yourself over it :)

Toneitdown I'm so glad it all worked out for you! Unfortunately in my case I know it's just not going to happen. He knows how I feel about where we are, and it's already an absolutely massive struggle to get him to consider another region of France, let alone the UK. I'll admit that that does frustrate me - the unwillingness to consider anywhere else at all but this little sliver of France.

GrimDamnFanjo Yes, I work, I'm self-employed and am the higher earner by quite a bit. If I wasn't with him, I definitely wouldn't be in this region of France. I've lived in quite a few different parts of the country, in the cities, and I'm not sure it's about it not being lively enough anymore. It's hard to explain, it's more about speaking English on a day-to-day basis, and just the kind of dynamics over in the UK that I miss. Also small, I guess kind of negligible things, like attitudes towards animals, easiness of being vegan, etc. Also as I said to another poster, it's actually barely possible to get him to move from his region, let alone another country. I feel like I could, maybe, just about, 'bully' him into moving to a different part of France, but if a part of my heart is back in the UK and he's dragging his feet because he's away from his village, I'm not sure how much of a good idea that would be...

Thanks for your replies everyone!